Mission
by solange channonix
Summary: Two times raped by the closest friends, Duo loses his trust in others and love of life. After getting to know that Heero, waiting for whom was the sense of his life, is dead, he tries to suicide. But Heero lives and loves him too. COMPLETE !!!
1. 1

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV.   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

  
  
  
  
  
  


The war finally ended, for good. I hope that for good. It was calm for the last few years, peace was never disturbed and I want things to stay that way. I'm partially through the theology at the university and I want to finish it. I don't want to fight anymore, not that I could if necessary after we destroyed the Gundams. Anyway... We all went on with our lives, I hear sometimes from the others, especially Quatre, but, strangely for me, from Wu and Trowa as well. Only Heero doesn't give the signs of being alive. And I'm not the only one who doesn't know where has he gone after out last fight. If he wouldn't contact with me I would understand, after what happened between us it's hard to except we'll be friends, but he just disappeared, and even Relena knows nothing about his whereabouts. It seemed he had a thing for her, for a long time, they had a chance to be together and instead of that, he disappeared and left her alone. If he's alive, and I bet he is, I can't understand him. Unless he felt nothing for her, which isn't that impossible... I know something of it... I know something about him no one else knows, and would ever know, as neither of us will ever tell anyone. It was a shameful experience for both of us... but I still think it was worse for me. I know something about Heero, about what love means for him, and having that knowledge, I think Relena should consider herself happy of the fact he just left her. I would want things to be like that for me as well. If I could change anything in my past, that would be what I'd have changed, I'd have made him never coming close to me, never destroying what I felt for him, and what was my first real love, something more than a mere crush, something that never happened to me again, something so wonderful, that though painful, I wanted to keep it deep in my heart forever, never fulfilled, made only of dreams. But he had to come and take it away from me, like everything else had been taken away from me before... On that night, I'm never going to forget...   
  


That night, which was following the day very much alike any other day during the war: mission to complete, luckily completed, checking Gundams after the fight, lunch, a bit of spare time which, as far as I can remember, I spent playing basketball with some kids met by chance, and that's all. I came back for night around 9 pm, finding Heero in our room, sitting at the computer, getting details for the next mission. I went to take a shower, then dried and combed my hair, which took me another hour, then I came back to the room and read a book till the midnight passed. Heero was still typing, and it didn't seem like if he was going to stop anytime soon. He was getting a lot of details for that mission, it had to be something particularly complicated. I sighed, another hard task to perform. How many more days like that could I stand, for how long could I approach my limits before passing them and getting killed somewhere on Earth, so far away from my home ? It was tiring to be Shinigami. I wanted holidays from it, I wanted to rest, and I wanted to sleep right then, which Heero was efficiently making impossible with his tapping on the keyboard, strangely loud in the silence of the night, and the lamp on the table turned on and dazzling me. I yawned and changed position, lying on my stomach. That way I could at least see him and drooling in him was a good way to spend some time for me. I could do this for hours, watching him and daydreaming. Having that knowledge that he was so close while I was getting aroused by the visions of him and me... uhm... doing stuff... was making it even better. I took loose strands out of my eyes with my hand and traced his slight figure with my eyes, starting at the unruly hair, going through the fine profile, his chest, not exactly hidden under revealing top, to his spandex clad legs. At the moment, I didn't care if he felt my eyes on him or not. More, I wanted him to feel it and notice what he was doing to me, and love me back. But it was only another dream concerning him. He was straight, I was sure about it, and, he had a thing for that girl, Relena or something. Beside that, even if he would have been interested in guys, why would he have looked at me like that ? Me ? All too cheerful jester with weird hair and eyes ? Maybe I could have some giggling girls attracted to me, maybe, but not him. I was always only pissing him off, one single thing I was good at. He had to be at least annoyed with me, which he wasn't hiding, or maybe even he hated me. Definitely, he wasn't a good person for me to fall in love with, but, as everyone else, I had no control over it, and it was already too late, I couldn't help it. I loved him. Feelings for him were already there, and I wanted him, badly. One could reflect why. What so special I saw in him ? This was a question I was posing myself quite often lately. He wasn't that handsome to fall for him for his mere appearance, was he ? Sure, these Prussian blue eyes, cold, and strangely bottomless, making me want to drown in them forever, weren't something common, and one could call them beautiful, but what more was there ? Nothing special. There was plenty of guys that were way better looking than him. So, something else about him ? He was so distant that all that could be said was that he was an antisocial, cold, suicidal freak, maybe a good soldier, but totally fucked up as a man. Maybe I wasn't normal myself, feeling sometimes like if there were two of us, one cheerful and outgoing, and another me, cold and deadly, sometimes called Shinigami, or maybe rather, they were my two masks, and real me... isn't what I want to talk about right now. Maybe one day, maybe later... Maybe... So why did I love Heero ? Because I felt lost and disoriented in the world, having no one to lead me, ever, because I felt painfully alone, and somewhere in the dark recesses of my twisted mind I figured out that his constant presence beside me, cold, distant and silent, would help me. Because he maybe seemed a bit crazy, but at least sure of himself, always having a goal, and having will to live only as long as this goal was available to achieve for him. For him life was simple, life was completing the missions, and he was only what was needed to complete them. He understood it as well, understood all he was and yearned for, while I couldn't understand and accept myself, hiding the true me behind several masks. In a way, he was everything I wasn't, had every advantage and fault I hadn't, and maybe that's why I felt like if only being with him I would be whole. He was capable of living for a one single purpose, and I wanted to become that purpose. I shook my head. I was so stupid, he wasn't ever going to even notice me as someone more than an annoying jester. I sighed, loudly. Go look elsewhere for someone to take care of you and share his self-assurance with you, Duo, you aren't that bad looking after all, are you ? Surely some freaking old gay would gladly give you what you want, won't he ? Just close your eyes and pretend it's Heero. I shook my head in unspoken protest. No... I sighed once again, this time masking it a bit with a yawn, and lied on my back instead. Maybe enough watching Heero for one evening, don't you think ? Yeah... I yawned, this time from genuine sleepiness. I was so tired and it was so cold in the room that I dreamed about nothing but burying in the warm sheets and falling into peaceful slumber. But I knew well I wouldn't be able to fall asleep as long as Heero wouldn't turn the computer and the lights off. I could always ask him to do so, but I knew anyway he wouldn't even listen to me, yet alone accomplish. I yawned again and sat up, my hair falling onto my face in process. I hated it when it wasn't braided, it was still in my eyes then. I took the most away with my hand. 

" Uhm, Heero, couldn't you end this tomorrow ? I'm rather sleepy, ya know. And despite what you may be thinking, the Perfect Soldier needs sometimes to sleep as well." 

" Hn." Was all his reaction. It meant he registered what I had said, and wasn't giving a fuck. 

I yawned once again and took the sheets closer to myself. It was unbearably cold in the room, at least for me, Heero didn't seem affected as he was sitting at the desk for hours. I shivered under the sheets. I could swear it wasn't that apparent for him to notice it all of a sudden, but somehow... 

" You're cold, Duo ?" He asked turning to me. I could make out on the screen behind him that the computer's system was finally shutting down. Finally, I was getting close to get some sleep. 

" No." I answered shaking my head. Damn, I completely forgot that my hair wasn't braided, with the move of my head several loose strands slipped onto my face. I reached my hand to take them away. 

" You're sure ?" 

I looked up at him suspiciously. Since when did he care so much about me ? Me being cold should be the last of his concerns. But, well, maybe he's trying to be nice to me, finally. 

" Thanks for the concern. Just a bit. Don't worry, I won't die of it." I said smiling brightly, my jester's mask right on its place. 

He smiled back to me, or maybe smiled to show that he thought that what I had said about dying was really funny. Wow, he was really trying to be nice. Maybe an apology for waiting so long for him to turn off the computer ? I smiled wider to show him how much I appreciated his efforts to act like a normal human being and not a trained wild beast. 

" So, what's the next mission about ?" I asked. I was genuinely curious what kind of mission comes with so many details, even if I had no real desire to accomplish it. 

" What a mission ?" 

I blinked few times. What a mission ? His new way of telling me that's something he had to do by himself, alone, and it shouldn't interest me unless I wanted to get a few bullets into my heart ? Hadn't it been `none of your business` before ? Anyway, I wasn't going to ask anymore. Another few strands slipped onto my face as I lowered my head a bit. I reached my hand up again to take them away. 

And then the weirdest thing happened. My hand was blocked on its way up by a firm hold on my wrist. Heero's hand's hold. He was suddenly very close, kneeling next to the bed, our faces nose to nose, so close I could feel the warmth of his breath on my cheeks in the coldness of the room. I blushed, immediately turning intense red, while he remained calm and self assured. He was smirking, and there was something in his dark blue eyes, something that definitely wasn't there every time he looked at me, something so different from the bored annoyance he usually expressed towards me, something close rather to the strong appreciation, or maybe more... 

" Don't, Duo. You look beautiful as you are." He said softly, very, very softly. 

It took a moment for me to realize he was talking about me trying to take loose strands of hair out of my face. It was hard to think with him so close, and touching me. Holding my wrist, more precisely, but... He was doing it in a weird manner, very gently, like if it was made of glass and he had to be aware not to shatter it, his thumb caressing in slow strokes the flesh on the inside. He had just told me I was beautiful. Him, Heero, had told this to me. And that I looked better with my hair loose. I hated having it like that, but if he liked it so much, I wasn't going to braid it ever again. He had commented on my appearance, and I had always thought that as for him I could be looking like a zombie and he wouldn't give a fuck. 

" Thanks." Was all I managed to answer through my suddenly dry and clenched throat. This time it took a while for my jester's mask to come in place, short moment when I was vulnerable, my real self revealed. I think he saw it then, and his smirk widened slightly. " Thanks for the complement, buddy. But you could let my hand go now." I said smirking myself. His hold on my wrist tightened lightly before he let it go. 

He didn't go away as I thought he would, but stayed where he was, our faces still way too close for comfort. I was blushing like a fucking school girl, and I couldn't stop. And I couldn't go away myself, finding myself drown to this dark blue gaze. Some more of my hair slipped through my shoulder on my chest and face, but I knew better than to try to take it away. 

Heero smiled and moved towards me. I smiled as well, though a bit unsure, and moved away, making him a bit of room on the bed next to me. He sat there and I moved as much away as possible, to the edge of the bed, but sitting like that on the single bed still involved more contact than I wished. Then he reached his hand to the hair lying on my shoulder, and took a strand between his fingers, wrapping it around it, and then letting it slide back down, whole the time looking at it thoughtfully. He acted weird, weird in general, and even weirder considering it was Heero, the last person I could suspect about wanting to have anything to do with me. He looked up from my hair to my face, locking gazes with me. That something, which I described as strong appreciation not having better word for it, was still there, clear and obvious. What was going on ? I opened my mouth to talk, because the silence between us was filled with unusual tension I couldn't stand anymore, though I have no clue what to say. I was just going to chatter about everything and anything, as always, and maybe then I'd annoy Heero and he would come back to his usual self I had had time to get used to. I shivered, partially from cold and sleepiness, partially from the nervousness, and just when I was going to say something, he spoke first. 

" Still cold ?" He asked, lying his hand on my shoulder. I shivered again, this time from the sensation his warm and a bit rough hand caused. 

" N... No." Damn, I couldn't handle it anymore, my voice trembled. 

" Maybe we could do something about it." He continued ignoring my answer. 

" Yeah, let's go to sleep." I said. This time it was ok, I was slowly getting some control back. 

He frowned. 

" Don't act like if everything you think of when you don't fight is eating, sleeping and basketball." 

" When it is. Mostly..." I said smiling. I moved away so that his hand slipped away of my shoulder. 

" And don't you sometimes think of me ?" He asked, his voice and facial expression not changing a bit, like if he was asking about the time. But he wasn't, and my heart stopped beating for a moment, before resuming in the fastest pace. He knew. He had noticed. He knew I had fallen for him. And he was going to... do what ? And what was I supposed to do and say ? 

His hand, that I had just took away of my shoulder, reached to my face and touched my cheek. 

" You don't need to fear. I love you, too." He said softly again. 

At the moment my eyes had to go twice their normal size, and my stupid grin fade away from my face like blown away. His hand caressed my cheek before the thumb stroke my lips. He had said he loved me. How ? He had been always so mean to me. Had he been just hiding his true feelings for me ? His hand moved from my cheek to behind my head and slipped into my hair. It forced me to move my face towards his until our lips touched for the briefest moment. Then I took my face away. I wanted explanation. 

" How ?" I asked softly pushing on his chest to get him to let me go. His second arm wrapped around my waist, holding me still. 

He didn't answer me then, pushing me down onto the mattress, placing himself above me and ravaging my lips until I parted them giving him access to my mouth. His tongue played with mine for a long time, until we parted for air. He was a good kisser, better than I thought such an antisocial freak could be, somehow he had had to have many girls, or maybe even guys, before to be that good. Or maybe it was another activity he was trained in to the perfection. I smiled mentally at the thought. 

I licked my lips, getting the last of his sweetness from them and looked up at him. He was tasting good. Better than most the girls I had kissed before. He looked strangely emotionless and concentrated. It puzzled me. You shouldn't look emotionless and almost absent kissing a person you love, should you ? And for what did he need concentration ?   
Idiot, like if you hadn't had enough time with him to get to know that he was always emotionless and concentrated, always, so why would he have changed after confessing his love for you ? This was the way he was, this was Heero, and this was what you had wanted - his cold, distant presence beside you. You had gotten no less. 

He leaned down to kiss me again and I gave him free access to my mouth immediately this time. The kiss started slow and tender, and I reached my hands to put them in his unruly hair. Surely, I liked his hair as much as he seemed to like mine, and my hands had been burning to touch it since very, very long time. Finally, I had my chance. His tongue ravaged my mouth while I was massaging his scalp. Just once, I tried to return the favor and slip my tongue into his mouth, but he didn't let me, forcing it away with his. He wanted to be the dominant, strictly dominant. I could understand he wanted to be on top, and excepted him to be. It was always like that, for reasons I couldn't quite understand, other males considered me a bit girly, someone to be fucked, not to fuck. I could understand Heero felt the same, but why wasn't he even allowing me to kiss him back ? I tried again, and it turned worse this time. He gripped my chin holding it at an angle letting him reach the deepest and plunged his tongue down my throat, choking me down with it, and kept it there immobile. Not a pleasant sensation at all, especially if you hadn't much air even at the beginning and it was slowly turning worse. My heart began beating like crazy, my vision wavering a bit as I was suffocating. My hands moved to push onto his chest, but I was too weak, or rather, he was in a better position, having me pinned under his whole body weight, and I couldn't get myself to harm him in order to get free. As my vision was spinning from side to side, worse with every passing second and I felt myself slipping slowly into unconsciousness, I reached for the gun in the pocket of my pants and pulled it out, slowly positioning it at Heero's heart. I unblocked it, and only at the sound Heero seemed to notice it and withdrew, letting me breathe. I breathed, heavily, slowly and deeply. My vision and consciousness slowly coming back to me, along with the realization that a moment ago I had been ready to fire a gun right into Heero's heart. But I had had a reason, good enough for my mind trained to preserve me from getting killed or harmed by killing and harming. I was Shinigami, after all. And I wanted an explanation, good explanation. 

" You need to learn where you belong." Said Heero in a voice sounding so sure of himself, like if he was in perfect control of the situation, maybe I needed to remind him where he did belong while I had a gun pressed to his chest. I pushed it harder, letting him feel it, cold, hard and obvious against his flesh. 

" Take it easy, Duo. Take it away." He said in the same tone. Then, it suddenly changed and he continued in a softer voice. " I love you, Duo, but I'm not ready yet to give you the control. I got used to... more passive partners." 

It didn't take my defenses all down, but I smiled. 

" Girls ?" 

He nodded and reached his hand to take the gun away from me. 

" Virgins ?" 

" Sometimes." 

He took the gun from me and blocked it, before putting it away on the floor, next to the bed, on the left side, in the middle of the length of the bed. How I knew ? I heard silent tap. Why was I giving a fuck ? Once again, training. I felt uneasy enough having that knowledge that it would take me over two seconds to get to the gun if needed, I would have never let myself into the situation when I had no clue where it was. Heero smiled down at me. 

" I'm sorry, Duo." 

I nodded, accepting his apology. This was no explanation, he had been trying to strangle me, and he didn't really seem sorry, but I had to accept what he was giving me. What else could I do ? Tell him I wasn't believing nor trusting him and that I don't want him and his love ? Throw it away in his face ? While I wanted it more than anything ? He just was like that, his training had made him react like that, most likely, that's why he had gotten so aggressive and so fucked suicidal, yeah, that's it ! And I had no choice but to deal with it and be careful not to provoke such reactions again. 

He lowered his head to kiss me again, licking and sucking on my lips, slowly and gently, and I slipped my hands back into his hair, resuming what I had been doing before, like if nothing had happened. His hands began working on the buttons of my pajama's shirt. Surely, we were moving fast. I couldn't decide if I liked it or not, if I enjoyed the fact that I was going to have my ass pounded by Heero's cock within minutes, if we would keep the pace. But I already understood it wasn't me who was deciding here, and that I had only one choice - accept him, his love and his demands or lose it all. I thought I already grasped his idea of a relationship - you're either with him, read under him and after him, or without him. Plus, he will try to... uhm... motivate you to choose the first option. Having that choice, I liked more the first, so I surrendered, ceasing all motion that wasn't absolutely necessary, and letting him have his way with me. I just hoped his previous experiences would be enough for him to know how to please me. I wouldn't stand all the pain of being the one taken without something nice in return. So my hands slipped out of his hair, despite how much I wanted to touch it, touch him, and fell down at my sides. He took his lips away from mine so he could look at me, and smirked down at me, all the reward I got for the offering made of my dignity and great part of my lust, never to be fulfilled. From the look he gave me, slightly warmer than usual and even a bit reassuring, I got to know he had understood what had just happened, so I dared to speak. 

" Better you have something good in return..." I whispered huskily. He kissed me again, preventing me from saying more, his hands finishing with the buttons and getting the shirt off me to throw it carelessly to the ground, his lips wandering from my mouth to my neck, kissing it passionately for a moment, his hands slipping into my hair again. 

All was fine, but not stunning, his touch was gentle, his tongue skillful enough, his firm frame pressed to mine felt quite pleasant, but... it was far away from the perfection I had been dreaming of encountering with him, but yes, I know, one can never have everything he wants, and nothing is perfect, not even Heero Yuy, but... There was something more, aside from that, obvious for me... lack of feelings, especially as strong as love in the way he kissed and caressed me. And it wasn't something I could just forgive him. 

He kissed his way down my collarbone to my chest and moved back to my lips, while his hands slipped out of my hair and moved to pinch my nipples until they were hard. He took his head up then, breaking the kiss. I used the opportunity to look at him. His face wore the look of emotional absence, like if his mind and heart were elsewhere, while only his body lied there with me, his brows drown together and lips firmly clenched in the look of concentration, his Prussian blue eyes cold. However, whole his body was beginning to cover under the fine layer of glistening sweat, his eyes shaded with pleasure already and as I looked down I noticed the unusual tightness of his pants. At least I had some effect on him, at least he did really want me. He sat up, straddling me, and took his own shirt off, followed by his pants. He had no underwear under that spandex. Had he planned our... encounter... or did he enjoy being covered just and only with something that felt like if you had nothing on ? I couldn't quite decide. He looked good. It wasn't like if I saw him naked for the first time then, there had been few occasions to catch a glimpse before, but surely it was different. He was sweating quite badly, his unruly hair getting damp, and as my eyes wandered lower I noticed he was already so hard that he would need some kind of release in the next minute or so. Some kind of release... I knew all too well where he was going to look for it... 

He reached down to the pocket of his pants lying on the floor next to the bed to check if the gun was there. It took him slightly more than a second to get there and back, while my time was two seconds, damn. 

Then he took my pajama's pants off me and throw it away on the pile of my shirt. It left me naked, only with the small crucifix hanging from my neck. I took my head slightly up and took it off and put it away on the night table. Somehow, it seemed inappropriate for me to have it on doing such things. Heero smiled at that and kissed me again, while one of his hands moved to my crotch and grasped my erection which definitely wasn't as hard as his, but I was guessing this was going to change soon. He grasped it only few times, stroked it for a while, before moving to massage my balls, kissing me slowly on the lips whole the time. I thrust my hips against his hand instinctively but he didn't let me have much fun, his hand going lower, his fingers obviously looking for my entrance. He broke the kiss, but his face stayed very close, almost pressed to mine. His second hand spread my legs wide apart and motioned for me to take them close to my chest. Fuck, not so soon ! And not dry ! 

" I love you, Duo." He whispered in my ear, moving then to suck on my earlobe as he inserted one dry finger inside me. Why hadn't he even tried to find a lubricant ? Maybe he enjoyed using blood as such, but I did definitely not. 

" I love you." He whispered again in an almost soothing manner, pushing his finger deeper. 

It gave me unpleasant, dull feeling of fullness, no pain yet, but as he slipped second finger and pushed deeper again, it began getting worse. I whimpered softly when he inserted third. Now, it really did hurt, and it was just the beginning. He didn't stretch me much, and not once brushed my prostate. All I got was pain, and I really wasn't regretting as he took those offending fingers away. I mentally begged him to ask me if I wanted this to happen right then or if I wasn't feeling ready. I begged, but the question on his part never came. Instead he took hold of my legs, wrapping them firmly around his waist, kissed me once more on the lips before beginning to nuzzle my neck as he entered me, filling me in one swift, smooth stroke. The pain was unbearable, and my inner walls were torn apart by the sudden intrusion. I really wasn't stretched enough, and I was dry. And it hurt like hell. Worse... It was the worst kind of pain I ever faced, it was so... It blinded me, making countless blades slip into my flesh all the way up my spine, from my ass to my brain, where it exploded in white, blinding light. My heart tightened painfully at the knowledge that the only person I ever truly loved with that kind of love in whole my life, was the one doing that to me. Then he moved, and it got worse, though I never thought it possible, and it passed the limits of what I was capable of standing, and I began to scream, I screamed from pain under him till my throat got raw and useless and tightened from the mental pain, as the stifled sobs rocked my body, along with Heero's rhythm of thrusts. Tears were falling from my eyes, widened in terrible realization that he had to be not giving a fuck about me if he was capable of hurting me so much for his own sick pleasure, and the blood flowed freely from my inner walls, tore in shreds by his thrusts, too vicious for me, without lubricant nor preparation. I was trying to stop him then, as the blood that filled me and spilled on the sheets let him fasten the pace, I was trying to make him stop, but I was somehow too shaken, and too weakened and blinded by the pain to success. I was trying to push him away, to get on top, to get to the gun, I was even close to reach it, but he grasped my wrists and held them together, pinned to the mattress above my head, continuing to move, making the pain still worse, and still not even once hitting my prostate. As he pinned my hands down I tried to thrash a bit, but it was useless and made the pain worse, so I gave up at the end, letting him pound into me and waiting only at the moment when he would finally cum and let go of me. It hurt so much... He had hurt me so badly... Him, the one I loved, the one that had told me that he loved me too. I cried, from the pain and awful feeling of being betrayed and used, and I whimpered like a sobbing child, sobbing after they beat it. I could still feel him hard inside me, wasn't he ever going to cum ? I counted the seconds, the breaths and the thrusts, slowly taking me at the edge of unconsciousness. And finally, after agonizingly long time, he spilled his seed inside me, with kind of a silent growl, and it flowed down my thighs onto the sheets. My semen never came, I wasn't hard anymore anyway, my erection long time forgotten, any kind of pleasure and anticipation replaced by pain, pain... He stayed inside me for a while longer, tormenting me some more with his immobile presence, until finally he pulled away, leaving me there like I was, used, broken and hurt, lying sprawled on the blood-stained sheets, and went to the computer, wrapping a sheet around himself and using it to wipe the blood off his shaft and thighs. 

I curled on the bed, turning my back to him, wrapping the remaining sheets tightly around me, covering myself the best I could, and cried, cried and cried, while he was typing again, typing and typing... And this seemed to have no end, until finally I slipped into unconsciousness, feeling still like the blood flowed down my thighs from my opening, taking my strength away with it. I hoped I would never wake up again. I prayed, silently, for a chance to leave this world and never have to look into beautiful cold Prussian blue eyes ever again... Ever again... No more pain...   
  


I really hoped to never wake up again. You may ask me why... and if what Heero had done to me had been really that bad. Yes, it had been, it had been the kind of pain I know no words to describe, physical and mental pain mixed together, reaching high beyond the limits of my endurance. And these weren't placed low, I am a soldier, after all. But it had been something... kind of pain that had reached new levels, and I bet that no one who hadn't lived through something similar himself can't truly understand me. But it is bad, to be raped like that by someone you love, because it had been rape, I hadn't wanted this to happen, and then I had begged him to stop and he hadn't given a fuck, about my prayers, about my pain, about my blood. He had enjoyed it somehow and it had been all that had counted for him, I had been just a nice little toy breaking which had pleasured him, nothing more. It was all I was for a person I loved, and couldn't stop loving just because of what had happened. My feelings for him stayed there, buried in my heart, and wouldn't just go away. Despite that he had betrayed me and hurt me worse than anyone had before, I loved him. And I feared that if I wouldn't die what had happened that night could repeat, several times over, because I loved him, and some part of me was beyond thinking of myself when it came to his well-being and his pleasure, however it sickened me as a whole. But real love isn't something you can just throw out of your heart when it isn't right anymore, it's just not like that. I think that's why I still love Heero Yuy, despite even what happened next...   
  
  
  


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It was supposed to be a one-shot, but it turned too long for my liking to stay as such, so except another part coming, soon.   
sol-chan   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. 2

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV.   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**   
**Part II**   
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I woke up the next morning to the stabbing pain in my backside and midriff, overwhelming sickness and first rays of the morning sun. I blinked few times, considering closing my eyes and going back to sleep, fuck the lessons I had at school that morning, I wasn't going to come there anyway, I felt weak, and still in pain, the best that could happen was to end up at infirmary. Beside that, it was still early, but... As I looked down my body, my thighs and backside covered in blood and semen, as the sheets I was under, I felt more sick than before and my want to sleep disappeared completely. I wanted a shower and clean sheets and maybe some stitches to my opening, which still felt like torn apart, and as the conscioussness began to come back to me fully, previous sleepiness disappearing from my brain, the pain from it hit me, blinding me again, and I had to grit my teeth really hard not to scream. What had he done to me ? I gritted my teeth harder, cutting my lower lip open, as I slipped one finger inside me trying to examine the damage. When I took it out it was covered in blood, fresh blood. Still, few hours after, I was bleeding inside. I really needed stitches, but looking for a medical help could be dangerous in such a case. For a specialist, it would be obvious that I had been brutally raped and I bet he would want to know who, how and why had done it to me. I wasn't too sure either if he wouldn't be obliged to let know the police. And my fellow Gundam pilot wanted for rape was not what we needed right now. I had to come through this alone. But a shower and a pain-killer, and throwing out and fresh sheets wouldn't hurt. Slowly, very slowly, trying not to put too much pressure on my sore midriff I moved to the edge of the bed and as slowly, stood up. At first, my legs gave way and I had to sit back down, but after few more tries, I succeeded. But the pain... I tried not to think about the pain, more so about stopping myself from crying and screaming, tears blurring my vision anyway. That was the first time when I marmured something about hating Heero, first and not the last, but that wasn't changing anything, I still loved him, as much as ever. I almost fell down when I stumbled on the gun, my gun, lying next to the bed. Thoughtfully, I picked it up. Maybe I would need it, I never felt save without it, and especially not now. Then I continued on my long, painful way to the bathroom, my hair falling down onto my face and covering my eyes. I promised myself I would braid it as soon as I would be able to. I took the most away with my hand and just then, noticed him. He had fallen asleep sitting at the desk, over his beloved computer, still wrapped only in that sheet. Fucking me was a bit tiring, wasn't it ? I thought bitterly taking the gun up and unblocking it as I approached, pointing it at him and finally, putting it to the side of his head. I wanted to pull the trigger, for a moment I really wanted to, I didn't do this just to feel in control myself, if only for a while, not only for that, not only... 

But then he opened his eyes, beautiful cold Prussian blue eyes looked at me again, with no feelings inside, as usual, and not clouded with lust, anymore. I wanted to die, just to not have to look in them again. Eyes that I loved, that haunted my dreams, eyes that I was going to hate, that were going to appear in my nightmares for years on end. I didn't want to see them ! I wanted him to disappear from my life, not leaving any traces, and with that thought I found myself able to pull the trigger again, so I pushed the gun harder and closer to his temple and was going to fire... but my hand trembled, just before, and noticing that momentary opening in my defenses, Heero snatched the gun from me, blocked it and put it on the desk and then pushed it away, far away from us. I was defenseless against him, I couldn't get myself to harm him, he had full control over me. And as I thought about how he could use it, I really forgot about the physical pain, replaced by fear, fear of him. For the first time in my life I feared someone. Before, I had rarely feared at all and all I really feared to the moment was the death. Yes, I believed I wouldn't disappear when I would die, but I knew as well that having killed so many people, committed so many other sins, skipped so many prayers and messes during the war, I wouldn't go to heaven either. So I feared. But then I realised I feared him, Heero Yuy, more than death. I would have rather died than to have him doing to me what he had done the previous night. He was looking at me, for a long time, long, long time. And it isn't pleasant, to have gaze like his, devoid of emotions, watch you for so long, considering the circumstances, when you're guessing what could be hiding behind those cold eyes, when you're guessing what could happen to you the next moment, being still in pain after what he had done before. 

" Let me go." I whispered almost inaudibly. 

" No, Duo, stay." 

I shook my head. He wasn't holding me there, right, but I... The pain, the fear... it made me... I found no strenght in me to go away... I... What the fuck was happening to me ? I wanted to go away. But he told me to stay and I... What would he have done if I disobeyed him ? I was in no conditions to stand against him, to fight back and win, to save myself from whatever he would have done if I disobeyed him, so I stayed, as he had told me to, stayed under this gaze, however it was tormenting me. He smirked at that, and I noticed he always smirked like that when I was giving him something, like the previous night, when he had smirked like that every time I had been giving him control, more and more of control, until he had gotten it full over me... and had used it against me, in the way I hadn't even thought possible... Some part of me whispered something else... I liked that smirk, his eyes were sparkling when it was appearing on his face, and getting even more beautiful than usually... so beautiful... Smirk like that again, Heero... I know that's a reward, but I'll make you happy, do everything you could wish me to, just to see that smirk, see that sparkling in your eyes, like if you just completed very difficult mission and, for the shortest while, were proud of yourself, because that's what you live for - your missions, and completing them is only thing that truly pleases you and makes you happy, and makes your eyes sparkling, and then they're the most beautiful thing one can possibly see. His smirk disappeared, after being on his face so shortly. There was no sparkling in his eyes anymore and I feared, only feared, once again. That weird trance, his mere look had gotten me into, quitted, and I aknowledged the pain once again, radiating from my backside all over my body. I wanted to go away, but now his eyes, just his eyes, cold, narrowed dangerously eyes, kept me standing there, in front of him, despite the physical and mental pain it was causing me. But slowly it was getting too much for me to bear. 

" I have to sit down. Can I ?" I whispered softly, feeling my legs really giving way slowly. 

He gave me weird look of mild surprise. It took me a while to realise why, but yeah, he had a law to be surprised. Since when I asked his permission before doing something. So, he hadn't even realised what he had done to me, or had he ? 

" Yes." He answered firmly. 

Slowly, I went back in the direction of the bed, his bed this time, at least sheets there weren't stained in my blood, and slumped down on it as soon as I reached it. Heero frowned a bit, maybe because the sheets under my backside turned red immediately. I bled worse than just after waking up. I was badly wounded inside. Maybe I would need the medical help after all just to stay alive, but who was supposed to bring me to the doctor ? I bet that not Heero. 

" Duo, we have to talk." He said sitting next to me. I couldn't help but flinched and crawled as much away as I could, taking my legs up and wrapping my arms securely around them, covering with one of the sheets the best I could. I was still nude, but it wasn't really embarassing me or making things any worse. Things were already the worst they could be. Beside that, what was the point in hiding myself from his eyes if he had already seen and violated all of me anyway ? 

I nodded. Yes, we needed to talk, but I couldn't know if he wanted to talk about this... this that meant... what had happened the previous night. But of course I was going to listen to whatever he had to say me, I couldn't disobey him, stabbing pain from my backside and sheets under it getting reddier with every passing second reminded me of this. 

" There is a mission." 

Back to being just fellow Gundam pilots mode, Heero ? 

" That mission you were getting details for... last evening ?" I asked. 

" Partially." 

Partially ? What `partially` ? Were these details describing only part of the mission or quite the contrary, were they concerning that mission among others ? 

" I tried to confess them to send me but they want you to complete it." He said softly though I saw no reason for this. 

" Try harder. I'm in no condition to go on a mission, thanks to you." I said bitterly. 

His features twitched slightly. 

" There is no: try harder, Duo. You're going." 

" I fucked don't ! I can't ! I can't keep sitting still, I'm going crazy with pain and I'm supposed to pilot a Gundam ?! I'll end up blowing everything up !" 

I couldn't stop this, this bitter cry, leapt out of my painfully clenched throat. But as soon as my outburst ended, I regretted it and the fear got worse. What was he going to do about it ? 

" That's what you're supposed to do." 

I blinked, not understanding what he meant. 

"... to blow everything up." 

" What do you mean ?" I asked, my eyes widening in shock. 

" Most of OZ stuff, many fellow soldiers and Kushrenada are all gathered in one place. Vilnius. Eastern Europe. We're supposed to blow up the base. They want us to end the war at once." 

My eyes widened more. What the fuck was he talking about ? 

" We have nothing that could blow a big base up. Not even self-destruction of a Gundam on a open surface is strong enough." 

" Sometimes ago, I was sent to get something strong enough. We have middle power atomic missile. Self-destruction of a Gundam can be a good ignition for it. They did a research on it." 

What ? I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to concentrate and think straight despite the pain-induced haze that was clouding my mind. Suicidal mission, completing which was going to result in killing few... what ?... millions ?... people, most of them innocent civilians having nothing to do with OZ. And God knows why I was supposed to do this. 

" There may be other Gundams in the area during the mission." I said. I could feel something was not right with that mission, I didn't want the victory like that it was offering. " We have to let them know before, but I'm not sure the pilots will all be ok with this." I narrowed my eyes... Pain... If only not that fucked pain... 

Heero was silent for a while. I could sense that as much as he was capable of he was against his mentors' newest idea as well, but that wasn't changing the fact he was able to do everything to complete the mission. His want to complete the mission... compassion, bravery, endurance he was putting into it... It all wasn't normal in its intensity. I bet there was a lot of hardware in his skull. 

" They are supposed to be there then. I've already sent them an information to get there." 

" What ?!" 

Slowly, things began to be clear for me, there really was something ugly going on here, my impressions weren't wrong. I was supposed to get close to OZ base... where ?...never mind... somewhere in Eastern Europe, and blow it up with atomic missile, killing myself, OZ leaders and other pilots, destroying all Gundams... that's it, all except of Wing. Heero really would have gladly gone to complete that mission, but he needed to stay alive, because his mentors needed him and his Gundam to create new order to replace the one I would have most likely shattered with my action. Betrayal ? Another one in the history of that war ? This time among us ? 

" That's not what you think. They don't want to be obvious that the colonies will be responsible for the crime of killing civilians all over the place. Civilians OZ uses as a shield. But we won't hesistate. And if four of the Gundams will be destroyed as well no one will blame the colonies." 

I think he knew as well as me that what he was saying was an excuse, not the best excuse. Or maybe he was blind enough when it came to those who were giving him orders that he didn't see what was obvious. Anyway, their plan as it was was good, but there was one big fault in it. They had chosen me to complete that mission because they needed Heero later, but unlike him I wasn't going to die for something I was against. I was going to refuse, and I bet every other pilot was going to do the same, and there was nothing beside Gundam and no one beside us that could carry the missile close enough to the base for it to destroy it completely, so no one inside stayed alive. 

" I won't do this." I said firmly, breathing deeply, trying to ease the pain. 

Heero gave me weird look, full of something so... sad, broken... I couldn't quite place it... He reached for his gun and put it to my chest. I wasn't afraid. He couldn't kill me, he had made it obvious that he needed me alive. 

" Don't make a show, Hee-chan. You won't kill me anyway, we both know that. You need me alive." 

He took the gun away. It wasn't even unblocked before. 

" There is no..." His voice trembled, really trembled. "...no difference for us if you'll come there fucked senseless once or twice..." At the end his voice was steady, and cold, the coldest I had ever heard, from him or not. "...or maybe more. I kinda enjoyed it last night, I can do this for as long as you will need to change your mind. What do you think, Duo ? Now when you're still bleeding we could go faster." 

He reached his hand to touch me and I jumped away off the bed to avoid the contact. No... He could shot me, strangle me, beat me, do whatever, but this. I wasn't probably going to live through another ride like that, if I wouldn't get medical help, that's it, but a helpful doctor could be found to make my life and torment longer. Now I knew, Heero wasn't sick enough himself to rape me like that from his own will, it was a part of his mission, do this to get the control over me in order to make me and Deathscythe carry the missile. They had really planned it well, better than I had previously thought. I was going to do this, to get away from him, I wanted to die, rather die and kill so many innocent people than to live through the hell again, I would have done everything they had asked me for. 

" There is no need, Heero." I said, my whole body trembling. "I'll go."   
  
  


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There will be another part, with some of Heero's POV this time. And it was supposed to be a one-shot... Well, it turned out different. Review !!! I really appreciate it.   
  
  
  
  
  
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	3. 3

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV.   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**   
**Part III**

  
  


I slumped down to the floor and breathed hard, with eyes squeezed shot to keep the tears that began stinging under my eyelids there, I couldn't cry in front of him, not again. I could feel his eyes on me, observing me closely, then I heard him leaving. 

" I'm going to get Deathscythe ready for this. Enjoy your last morning." He said just before going away. There was no mockery in his voice, nothing like that, even a bit of sad warmth. 

Now I at least knew, he had been forced to do this, they had told him to, he had had no other choice but to comply. He hadn't wanted to hurt me that badly himself. But it wasn't making things much better. He had raped me and forced me to go on a suicidal mission, or had his mentors done it through his hands ? Anyway, I was hurt, I had to have some deep internal wounds that were still bleeding and hurting like hell, and I was going to die today. I wiped out the tears stinging under my eyelids. I didn't want to die. I... I considered it as a possibility, of course, I was fighting in a war after all and I knew that who kills should except to get killed himself, but... I thought that if I would die it would be fast and sudden death, like of a gunshot or something, that I wouldn't suffer much and have too much time to think, I acknowledged also the possibility of falling in the hands of OZ and then my death could be slow and painful but... at least I wouldn't have to be the one pulling the trigger of the gun aimed at my own heart, or pushing the self-destruction button of Deathscythe equipped with middle power atomic missile. It was the worst part, that I would have to do this, worse than dying itself. But I had no other choice, I couldn't not to go, I knew that Heero hadn't been kidding about raping me till I would have changed my mind. I didn't have to be very efficient to complete that mission. It wasn't anything of a great precision. All I had to do was to keep conscious and have force left to push the button, they hadn't need of much more from me. So they could let Heero... No... I didn't want to think about it. It was decided, it was over. I wasn't going to be raped ever again. I had only that one day left after all. I crawled slowly onto Heero's bed and slipped under his sheets. I wondered where he had gone wearing nothing... Probably only to the bathroom, so he was going to be back soon. Anyway, it was none of my concern. I bet he was going to let me stay in his bed for that day, I was almost sure. He was expressing kind of compassion towards me, in his own cold, distant way. But he did. It was weird. How could someone have raped me and sent me to death and show compassion towards me about that almost at the same time ? Heero was weird, but I thought I had learned to understand him, had learned to love him. Anyway, all of that had no meaning at the moment, all was over. Over... My short life was approaching its all too soon end, and my death was worth whole my life. It all just fitted together, so what was there to worry about ? Why was I crying ? Must be the pain...   


_Heero's POV:_   
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I went out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and headed back to the room, our room. I regretted I hadn't just gotten the clothes with me before. Then I wouldn't have to be coming back there now. I didn't want to face Duo again. I knew some, well, most, if not all people I knew may think I was emotionless and cold, and maybe I could stand seeing and doing more things than they did, maybe a lot more, but I had limits, just as they did. And looking into those violet eyes full of tears of pain and betrayal was out of those limits. I really wondered now why I had even raped him, why hadn't I said no at the end. But it wasn't something possible for me, to refuse a mission, I had been trying to change it, but at the end I couldn't have just said no. There was just no way I could do this, I didn't know why. And so I had done it and now all was over, done, spoiled, fucked up or whatever you wish to call it. I had changed ever so cheerful, always maniacally smiling Duo Maxwell into sobbing mass. Maybe I should have been proud of myself, I had my control over him, I could tell him to go and kill himself and he was going to comply, just as J could do with me. But it didn't feel good. I had wanted... I had wanted before something else with him, despite that he really had been annoying me to no end with that endless chatter, I had wanted... I had considered him as kind of... Damn, I couldn't even put it into words, I didn't know such words, I didn't really need them so they hadn't learned me. Or maybe it wasn't their fault at all. Maybe only mine. All I knew was that I wanted him to stay near me, chatter, joke, complain, annoy me, drool into me when he thought I wasn't looking, and that I wanted to be only one who was allowed to listen to his chatter, to be annoyed by him, to braid his hair for him, to look at him like that, and that I felt ready to kill whoever was looking at him like that himself, his eyes lingering at his rear, and that I would have gone and changed into bloody mass whoever would have done to him what I had done last night. Despite the consequences. I hadn't have any desire to make him mine in that way, to dominate him sexually, I had just wanted him to stay who he had been, nothing more, and I had hoped that as long as the war continued he would stay, and then, if we both would have been hopefully alive, I would have done something, maybe just that, become his lover, to keep him near me. I would have... Because he wasn't going to live through the war. Because I had killed him in one of the worst ways possible. They had told me to, but I had done it, it was my fault, my sin, I was the bastard that had betrayed his friend in such a sickening way. It was only my fault. And as soon as the war was going to end I was going to punish myself for this. 

I was standing by the closed door to our room for some time now, trying to pick any sounds coming from inside. All that could be heard was steady, even breathing, ending sometimes in soft sobs. I bet he had fallen asleep again. I opened the door and stepped inside, trying to be as quiet as possible. I picked my clothes and put it on quickly, and I was going to leave, but I couldn't stop myself from coming to look at him before. He had been asleep in my bed, wrapped tightly in my sheets, getting red where it was in contact with his rear, curled into small ball, his long hair covering his face completely. But it was obvious he was crying anyway. He was trembling, and whimpering softly like a hurt child. He had to be in pain. Six hours after, he was still bleeding. What had I done to him ? I hadn't wanted it to end like that. I had been supposed to hurt him, but never that bad. I hadn't wanted to, things had just slipped out of my control, with him thrashing and with me getting kind of sick pleasure from what I had been doing, and wanting more, wanting for it to be mind-blowing enough to make me forget about what I had been really doing, and to whom. 

" I'm sorry, Duo." I whispered before turning around and going away. 

I knew what little meaning had me being sorry right then. I wasn't stupid. But I had to say it. And I had to leave right after because if I would have stayed there a second longer I could have lost my control, for the first time from so many years I actually felt it could happen, and having it no more I would have dragged him to a doctor, put him into the hospital under false name, left him there and disappeared from his life along with his Gundam, excluding him from the soldiers fighting in that damned war. Doing this, I would have failed my mission... Something I couldn't get myself to do, despite the consequences. So staying there a second longer I would have just gone crazy. I had to go away.   
  


The sun was setting. I could see it through the opened gate to the hangar. Maybe I was a bit careless leaving it open, but not too much, the whole area as such was save, and beside that most of OZ was gathered in Vilnius anyway. The sunset was beautiful, I rather registered it as a fact than really admired it, but it was. It wasn't righteous that the day Duo was going to die was so beautiful. He would regret more that he was going away. I felt weird, empty inside, I supposed I was empty inside most the time as I wasn't experiencing and feeling much things, but only now it was painful. I had just realized that something inside me was snapped, destroyed, all that years ago, something almost all other people around me had, and I had had myself once, but hadn't anymore. I was empty, I had almost no feelings at all, I was like a machine, no feelings, hopes, barriers, conscience, no weaknesses, and only one all consuming thought - I have to complete my mission, and once it's completed get another one, and so it goes, and there is nothing beside it. I was able to do everything if it was a part of completing a mission, normal people weren't. They had their feelings, their morality, their conscience, their experiences, their upbringing and education, their religion, their beliefs, that were stopping them from doing certain things. They could say that they wouldn't do certain thing, I could only say that I wouldn't unless it wouldn't be a part of mission. Most of them divided things into good and bad, I divided things into those concerned and not by my missions. I was able to do everything... commit every sin... I had raped Duo and was going to send him to death. I had done it to my only friend. I was a monster. 

I reached back for my tools and bend over Deathscythe's revealed electronic devices. After attaching the missile to it, which had taken me few hours of hard work in Wing, mostly because of its weight, lack of space in the small hangar and required precision of whole operation, I had linked the controls of the missile to Deathscythe's electronic systems, and now all that needed to be done was to link it with the self-destruction button through the self-destruction operating device, so it would fire as well after pushing it. I needed another few hours of pointless sitting and looking at the sky to feel ready to do this, and I still didn't feel ready. But I had to do it now, else Duo would be late at Vilnius and other pilots there would anticipate. I needed to do this right now. It was easy, to link the cable from the missile controls to the unit and then solder it, technically it was easy, and if I hadn't that knowledge what this cable and device were I would have done it in no more than a minute, but... Just to think what would have happened if I didn't do that, or did it wrong... Missile wouldn't have fired, and Duo could be able to live through just the self-destruction. No... It was stupid thing to do, Duo most likely would have been dead anyway, mission never completed, war never won. I shook my head to deny my thoughts and took the cable into my fingers, it was really time to link it to that unit. But what if... No... I linked it and soldered it. But... I couldn't go away, new idea that had appeared in my mind didn't let me. What if, by the chance, I would have pulled the unit a bit too hard to get an easier access to it in order to link it with the cable from missile controls, and on the other side of it, its connection with the self-destruction button in the cabin had failed ? What if I helped the luck and disconnected it myself ? There would have been no way to tell for sure that I had done it, such things happen, nothing is perfect, even connection in the electronic system of a Gundam can fail. And if just that connection failed right now not only the missile wouldn't have fired but also the self-destruction wouldn't have run. Duo would have gone to Vilnius, pushed the button, but nothing would have happened. Mission wouldn't be complete but that would seem like no one's fault, just the ill luck. Things like that happen, I couldn't have helped if it would have really happened by chance, no one would have blamed me, no one was going to blame me. Duo was never going to forgive me what I had done already to him, but he would be alive, and it was all that mattered. I reached for the cable coming from the button to the self-destruction unit, with atomic missile controls linked to it, and pulled on it till the connection gave way. I didn't have to pull much and hard. It made whole situation with pulling it out by chance way more probable. I left that cable there, hanging limply, and put the cover on. Then I came down to the ground carrying the tools, left them in the toolbox and went to get Duo. I had just failed a mission. I felt more human than ever before.   
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Thanks for reviews to all ! Especially diane.   
And of course, that's not the end of the story.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. 4

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV. 

A/N: Starting by Heero's POV this time. 

  
Mission   
by** solange channonix**   
  
**Part IV**

  
  
  


I closed the hangar checking first if no one had gotten inside before and rode to the nearest town where our safe house was with our worn pick-up. I needed to get Duo, it was already about the time for him to leave and I couldn't know what his conditions may be. I parked the car few hundred yards away and literally ran to the safe house. On my way I met one of our teachers from school rambling something about us not going to the lessons and seeing us after playing on the streets. When I stormed past her not giving a fuck she began screaming she would call our parents to the school. Yeah, call if you want to... Whole the idea with us going to school whenever we stopped somewhere for longer was unnerving me. It was rather Duo's than mine, he was always saying he needed some human contact not involving fighting nor killing nor being ignored over screen of a laptop in his life. And I had to go with him because at some point I had found myself unable to stand the thought that he would be there, with all those annoying girls wandering after him, few guys drooling in him whenever they got the chance and cornering him alone whenever they could, and me not being there even to glare at them and never leave him alone. Most was getting the hint, I was good at glaring, only few times I needed to use my fists in order to make it obvious that I wasn't letting anyone close to him. What ? I could be protective, normally we were playing brothers. Beside that, I was letting him have his time with girls, unless there were too many of them and they were getting extremely noisy, but at the same time I couldn't stand the thought of him being with any other guy. Anyway, someone like him needed protection. He had that weird ability - whenver he appeared one could easily tell from the looks guys were giving him which of them was gay. I didn't think that any of them could stand him, maybe just because of his hair, maybe something more. Of course Duo was able to put almost everyone down in a physical combat, but I couldn't permit to a situation where he had to fight to save himself for a few times every day. I just couldn't. And the thought of him letting someone willingly... getting himself a boyfriend... was just making me... Though I didn't truly know why I cared. Anyway, now it was over. I bet after he was going to come back from Vilnius I wasn't going to see him often anymore, maybe I wasn't even going to meet him ever again, or maybe quite the contrary - I was going to meet him and taste his anger. I already decided that if he would come to punish me, strike me, take me out of my misery or whatever else, I wouldn't fight it. He had a law to have his way with me after what I had done to him. And everything that really mattered for me was that he was going to be alive. It was the most important thing, something more important than the mission, which I had failed to save him. He was the most important. 

I reached our safe house and went straight to the bedroom, finding Duo still asleep, noticing though that he had had to be awake not a long time ago. He was lying on the sheets of my bed, by the time as blood-stained as those on his, dressed in his black shirt, pants lying nearby on the floor, next to the tray with few sandwiches he had been apparently trying to eat and failed. His hair was braided the best he could, his brush lying on the bed next to him. It wasn't quite looking like if he had peacefully gone to sleep, rather ran out of stenght and lost consciousness. I approached him slowly to examine him further. His underwear was soaked with blood, flowing slowly down his thighs. He was still bleeding. I had never thought what I had been doing to him would be that bad. After so many hours, he had had to lost a lot of blood. He was impossibly pale from the blood-lose, his skin more a shade of grey than anything else, his breath was even, but somehow very weak and when I reached my hand to his neck to check on his pulse it was... barely there. Damn... He was dying, even if I would have woken him up he wasn't going to live through the trip to Vilnius and back. But he had to at least get there, then there would be chance to take care of him, that's it. I needed to get him to go. But there was no point in waking him up just yet, here, he wasn't most likely able to walk anyway.   


_Duo's POV:_   


I woke up from the deep, dreamless slumber, being viciously shaken by a pair of rough hands on my shoulders. Their grip was painful, like if someone was trying to crush my bones. I woke up and tried to open my eyes, but my eyelids were so heavy, it was so hard to get them to move, it was so hard to keep my chest rising and falling with the rhytm of my breaths, so hard to move my nostrils in order to catch the air... so hard... I was so weak... I wanted to cease all motion, it was so hard that painful... The pain was coming from my backside but then it moved up my spine to explode in white, blinding light in my brain, making it hard to think and to concentrate in order to move. And when I was forgetting about breathing I was gasping and suffocating, so I was resuming, however much more I wanted to stop, and forget forever. All the time, I was working on opening my eyes and I did it, and saw something, an image, spinning from side to side, with something indistinct on it. I blinked, however hard it was to move my eyelids again and I saw Heero, gripping my shoulders and shaking me. I smiled up at him the best I could not wanting him to think I was really hurt and worry about me. Anyway, what had happened that had gotten me hurt ? An explosion, a gunshot, a poison ? When it had happened ? During a mission, or had we, or maybe just me, been attacked ? I tried to find the answers in my hazed mind, all the while smiling. It seemed for me it confused the hell out of Heero, really, he had that look of uncertainety and... guilt ?... written across his usually blank face. Had he done something wrong that had resulted in me getting hurt ? Why had he been guilty ? 

In one moment, all in my head came into its place and in focus. He had raped me... He had hurt me so badly... Somehow I found the strenght in me to take one arm up and push him away. Then I took my time watching my surroundings, getting to know I was in the Deathscythe's cabin, and it was in the hangar ready to launch, and even the hangar's gate was open to give me the passage-way. I was going to Vilnius, wasn't I ? I felt weak, terribly weak, and in pain. I could still feel that I was bleeding, though there was something, some kind of dressing on my internal wounds that was helping it. My weakness - it had to be caused by the blood-loss and that's why I had fallen unconscious before, while I had been trying to get ready to go. But back then I had been still in our safe-house, without the dressing nor stitches or whatever else I had there then, on my wounds. Apparently, Heero had taken care of me. I looked up at him, he had been still with me in the cabin, holding a glass of water in his hand which he handed me but I shook my head. I feared I was too weak to hold it. He understood and poured few sips of water down my dry throat himself. It was good that he had brought me it, I had had nothing in mouth since yesterday evening, for the entire day. He then handed me a painkiller and I swallowed the pill and drank the last of water, and then he left, without a word, and I didn't comply, guessing that things like coordinates and schedule for the mission I was going to find stored in the memory of Deathscythe. And yes, I found it and read all before crawling out of Deathscythe and moving to the cabin of the transporter instead. I left as soon as I was sure Heero went out of the hangar and I wasn't going to knock him out while launching. 

And so I went on my last mission, I was going to sacrifice my life at for something I wasn't even believing into and kill so many innocent people. I didn't want to, rather I had no choice. I was a coward, I was doing this to avoid being raped, I was doing this only because of myself, regardless of others. And I had thought I wasn't selfish. If I wasn't, how could I even think of killing few millions innocent people, starting new order, maybe an order made of terro, upon the Earth and the colonies, only because I feared of being hurt myself. How could I ? But what else was I supposed to do ? Only then it struck me that in fact I could do many things. I was free. I went away from Heero, I really didn't have to go to Vilnius. No, it wasn't that easy... I would have to make it impossible for Heero to catch me then in order to go away, and there was only one way, one place where I could go away to. Place they called hell, I was heading to anyway. But to go out of Deathscythe and commit suicide, leaving it equipped with the missile as it was, was going to result in Heero taking my place or getting someone else from the other three pilots. Firing the missile in some other place would always result in the death of innocent people, if I would have tried to find a dessert in order to use it there I would have been caught by Heero, who was tracing me sure as hell, most likely even escorting me in the Wing, flying few miles away from me. Think of something better, Maxwell, and fast ! What could I do ? Let know other pilots ? I looked at the communication device, or rather I looked at the place where it had used to be. Fire the missile then here and now, hoping there wouldn't be any big city so close that the bomb could have struck it ? I didn't even know the exact power of the missile I was carrying, I couldn't know that. It was like shooting from a gun to the crowd hoping you wouldn't harm anyone... I couldn't. Fuck, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop or change the way I was going, because Heero was following me and nor me nor Deathscythe, charged with the missile, were capable right now of fighting and winning with him, I was on his mercy. And the way wasn't the shortest possible, it was leading over the coast, damned, overpopulated coast. Firing the missile here would have killed ten times as many people as firing it at Vilnius. And beside that, by the time I would have landed and get Deathscythe out and crawled to its cocpit in my conditions Heero was going to be here and stop me, he wasn't that far away. I had no time either to make the missile useless, like by destroying its controls. All I could really do alternatively to getting to Vilnius and blowing the city up was landing and ending with myself manually, putting Heero in trouble of finding new pilot, which would have gotten some time and by that time OZ could be gone from Vilnius, after all they hadn't probably gathered for more than two, three days. They would have been risking too much staying there for longer. I couldn't know how long they have been there already, but... maybe, just maybe... until Heero would have found someone to replace me, the gathering would be over, and the mission impossible to complete. I just hoped that finding me dead Heero wasn't going to throw my corpse out of the cabin, take my place and complete the mission, but after all it was something to be excepted from him. Did they really need him so much ? What were they going to do when he would report that I had committed suicide ? Tell him to go and complete the mission or to find someone else ? I figured out it would depend on time. If there would be enough of time, they would told him to look for and control over someone else, if the gathering really was close to its end, they were going to send Heero, and worry later about replacing him. So, I wasn't going to achieve what I could wish to gain by killing myself on the way. Fuck ! They had really planned it well ! Every time I thought I was seeing an error in their planning, I was ending up figuring out that I had been just imagining things. In fact once telling yes and going at this mission I had no choice but to complete it, and I could have told no. I just couldn't. It was planned perfectly. I was blocked, no matter how much I wanted to stop it I couldn't ! Only one person could make this mission fail, Heero, as the one getting everything, including me, ready, but he was Perfect Soldier, he wasn't failing. So the plan was perfect. I had no choice but to complete the mission, because doing anything else I wasn't going to change anything anyway, or make things worse, so what was the point ? They had planned it all so well...   
  


I don't know if there's a point in describing the following battle in details. I was half-conscious anyway when I got to Vilnius, so I don't remember much. However, I remember the city, in the rays of setting sun, beatiful, and the awful feeling I got thinking that I was going to change it into ashes in the following minutes. I remember spotting other Gundams, I couldn't contact with having my communication device taken away. I remember going out of the transporter with Deathscythe after I somehow crawled to its cabin, and standing there, tall and immobile. There were Lios and Arieses shooting at me, but I wasn't paying attention to them, though they were destroying my Gundam's weapons. I didn't care anymore, Deathscythe was going to be destroyed in the next moment anyway. It took me a while of standing like that to get to feel ready to push the self-destruction button, but I did, finally, and held my breath waiting for death to come to take me... 

...but nothing happened, and no one came. Nothing fired, like if I didn't push that button at all. It was a bit like a dream, I was pushing the self-destruction button over and over again and still nothing was happening. I didn't know why, but only thanks to this I'm still alive. 

I remember one of Arieses shooting at the Deathscythe's feet then, losing my balance and falling down onto one of the buildings of the base, something exploding inside it, other shots to the back of my Gundam and slowly losing my concsiousness as the pain coming from my backside with renewed force got so intense that I couldn't even stay aware of my surroundings... I passed out, the last thing I remember from the battle I was supposed to die in.   
  


I woke up in the double bedroom in a safe-house I remembered from a few months before, lying in the clean bed, under clean, freshly washed sheets, dressed in my pajamas, with my hair falling lose onto my shoulders. I felt clean and... there was no pain, anymore, no pain at all, almost at least. I wasn't bleeding and there was no blinding pain coming from my backside, it was gone, only the slightest itching remained. I blinked several times and rubbed my eyes. Had I been dreaming or something ? But then, the itching wouldn't have been there... I sat on the bed, only to see Heero, sitting at the desk and typing on his laptop. I jumped to my feet and walked closer to him, looking over his shoulder at what was written on the screen. Description of the mission at Vilnius, starting by two words, formed of big, red letters: MISSION FAILED. The cause: Failure of connection between self-destruction button and self-destruction unit of Deathscythe. What the fuck ? They had to be kidding. I was alive only because some cables in my Gundam had disconnected ? But who had brought me here, pampered me back to health and then left me with Heero again ? Or had it been him ? I turned my head to look at him, and at the same moment he turned to look at me, our gazes locking, his expression blank, as most the time. Not taking his eyes off my face he turned the computer down. I needed to know if it had really been him. 

" Who brought me back ? Was I in a hospital ?" 

" I brought you. Yes, you were, for the night after Vilnius, they put you stitches and things. Then I took you from there, they were going to call the police." 

" And then, for how long was I out ?" 

" Just another day. You didn't miss much." 

I just looked at him for a long time. I couldn't understand... Why ? He had raped me to make me complete the mission, which I had failed after all, but instead of leaving me somewhere to die, or letting someone else take care of me, he had taken me to the hospital and then taken care of me for another day, apparently had washed me, dressed me, brushed my hair. Why ? Maybe he had done it so I would kind of owe him something, so that I would never tell anyone that he was a rapist. I didn't know ! And I never got to know.   
  


We left it as it was, and never talked about it again. And yes, we stayed partners to the end of the war, but it wasn't like if things between us didn't change. They changed a lot. However hard could have been for the others to notice it, since when we were in public I was still smiling at him, blabbering about everything to him and he was always annoyed with it, but once we were left alone, only the two of us, there was a silence between us. Silence broken only by the single, absolutely necessary words, no talking about anything. And no physical contact, I wasn't even able to stand his closeness. My heart was beginning to beat twice as fast when he was standing closer than a yard away, and I think he knew that if he tried to approach further I would have fired a gun at him, without hesitation. What he had done to me just wasn't something to be forgotten, nor forgiven, we both knew it equally well. He had not only hurt me but also intented to kill me and had nearly succeeded, if not my luck with that cable's disconnection, I would have been dead by then, as would have been all of the other pilots, beside him. It wasn't something to be forgiven, ever. 

But despite that I was somehow still capable of loving him, of dreaming about a better world when we actually could be together, where he hadn't ever hurt me so badly. I love him still, to this moment. Despite what happened then and the fact that I haven't seen him in such a long time... Ever since the end of the war, when we were both merely 17. Now I'm 22, close to ending my education at university, so that means we haven't seen each other in... what ?... five years. A lot of time. To forget, about what had happened, about him, about what I may feel for him. But not enough for me. And so leading my happy peaceful life, sometimes, just sometimes, mostly at nights, I wonder where has gone the Perfect Soldier, now, when the war is over, and if I'm ever going to look into beautiful Prussian blue eyes again...   
...and if I will be ever able to stop loving them, or to forgive him, if never forget.   


  


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Are you out there, Dear Readers ? Give a sign. Review, mail me, do something, please !   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. 5

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time)   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part V**

  
  


_Wufei's POV:_

There is something about Maxwell, something I could never understand, just fall under the spell and live with it. First thing that needs to be said is that I'm gay, I wasn't always, I guess, but I've turned after I lost Meiran, I just didn't feel able to love another woman ever again. For a few years I thought I would just be alone, forever, only me and Nataku, but then he appeared and all of sudden turned my life upside down. It was the middle of the war, I was supposed to fight, to concentrate on missions but I couldn't get thoughts off him. He haunted me, whenever I slept or simply wasn't absolutely busy, I dreamed of him. It was turning me crazy, then and throughout all the following years I knew him. There is a part of me that hates him for what he unconsciously does to me, other part just dislikes him, because he's so different from me, so annoying, alien in his ways of doing and feeling things, but there's also whole other part, that is in love with him, and I can't get over it. Duo Maxwell, the most amazing man I've ever met. I would still think that even if I would feel nothing for him, just to think, he's so careless, so open, so outgoing, like if he was the happiest man alive, not an orphaned street brat, having everyone and everything he ever loved brutally snatched from him. He still, despite that all, loves the life so much, you can see it in his eyes, they're always sparkling, their violet surface always lighten up, if only slightly sometimes. And he trusts people, he believes they're good rather than bad. It's amazing me, but that's not what attracts me to him. I am not interested in hopeless optimists, incapable of being serious even for a while, even while fighting and killing. There is something else about him, that got me wanting him since the first time I saw him, before I even realized I can be interested in a guy, there is something about him, that awakens a need inside me, need to have as my own, dominate, ravage. I don't know if this is quite love, if this is even an attraction, rather... I just want him, hopelessly want him from so many years, and can not have him. Why ? I don't know how, first, I bet he's straight, I saw him kissing a girl more than once before, second, I don't know what I feel, I don't know what the fuck it is, that I want to have him as my own yet I'm not all that interested in having to deal with someone like him too much. I can not stand his presence, maybe if he would shut down and stop grinning, or better even just lie down and let me have my way with him, maybe then... But it is crazy, to want complete, strict submission from anyone. It just isn't normal. Beside that, it isn't just submission I want, it is his submission, no one else's. His submission, just that, not him as a whole, not even his body, just his submission. So I bet that really I am not in love with him as I said before. And I don't even hopelessly want him. All lies... All I really want is to take that love of life away from him, and then have him as my beautiful, breathing doll with glassy violet eyes and long, long braid slipping down his back. It is all I want, it is how I dream of him. I'm fucked up, am I not ?   


_Trowa's POV:_

Quatre arranged another one of our every year reunions. That's it, we meet once a year at his mansion on L4, the four of us, fellow Gundam ex-pilots. Four of us because Heero never came, not even once. He just disappeared after the war, something I would have maybe gladly done myself... but didn't because it would have meant leaving the circus, and beside that I've been with Quatre ever since the end of the war, though not constantly, rather parting and getting together, parting and getting together and so on, but still. Beside that, there is Duo. And I was Nanashi once. There was the time when I was the pretty boy my fellow mercenaries were having their way with. So long time ago, but it happened, nonetheless. What has it to do with Maxwell ? I am not blind, I can see how some males look at him. He doesn't do this purposefully, I'm sure about it, he just gets men wanting him, desperately wanting him. I could see that hungry look in Heero's and Wufei's eyes when they were looking at him during the war, when I first met all of them. I never got to know what Heero felt for him, but I did get to know what Wufei did. He is obsessed with Maxwell, on a level that most likely still needs psychiatric help, and Duo is, at least seems, completely oblivious about it. It looks like if he did believe that Wufei's sudden breakdown, that excluded him from our reunion last year, was caused by the bad memories of the war and the time before. Like if he did believe that it was why Wufei got to the edge of being alcoholic, that that's why I needed to drag him to the therapist for half a year. They both, Duo and Quatre, seem to believe it. And maybe it's better that way. Maybe it's better for them and for Wufei, he's hurting enough considering himself crazy and being unable to ever fulfill his desires. I he would have tried, I would have killed him, I made it clear for him back then, while I was taking care of him when he got so close to the edge. I am not going to let him harm Maxwell, him or anyone else. Duo is everything I am not maybe because they fucked it all out of me, and I am not letting them, whoever them may be, do the same to him. I may not quite be standing well his over-cheerfulness, he may be annoying me with his constant chatter, but I don't want him to lose the love he has for life, it is something too unique among the people like us, who at some point found themselves alone and having nothing, not even own name. So as long as he stays away from Maxwell I may consider Wufei my friend, but if he will ever try to get close to him, I'll take him down, and we both know it. I hope that knowledge is enough to stop him from doing something stupid, all of us would regret. It isn't his fault that he wants Duo. I know it, but was it really the one's that raped me fault that they wanted me ?! It didn't make it any better for me, any less painful, that's not the matter of whose fault it is. Probably no one's, but it isn't enough of a justification, not for me. With kind of fantasies Wufei gets about Duo, especially when he helps himself with drugs sipped with brandy, I could easily get him locked in a mental hospital, but I know them and still let him be free, only with that knowledge that if he would ever try to make them real he'll end up dead. I don't care if they'll send me on a electric chair after for killing Preventer, I'll do it for Maxwell, he's worth it. I know. I have my own thing for him. He stirs up my protectiveness a bit too much, but at least I don't dream of fucking him till he gets cold and still.   


_Ouatre's POV:_

So we're going to meet each other again tomorrow, the four of us. Wufei and Trowa don't know yet, but we have special occasion this time. Duo ended university. He wants to celebrate it with us, so I prepared a party for tomorrow, to make this out particular meeting special. It will be wonderful, I already took care of this. I just hope this time Duo won't be two days late and that Wufei comes. He missed our reunion last year, there was something wrong with him, old memories came back haunting him. Only Trowa knows exactly what was going on, but he didn't tell me. Maybe it was really serious and he didn't want to worry me too much, tries to shelter me, like he always does. He thinks I'm fragile and that I need to be protected. I am not, really, but I think that protectiveness is particular way of showing love for Trowa. Anyway, I was trying to get him to tell me more, but he really wouldn't talk, so I left him alone in the end, maybe Wufei will tell us himself what was wrong, or maybe not. At least I'll see him, whole and alive. I hope at least. But Trowa said that he'll come for sure, that he misses both of us, me and Duo. It's nice that he does. But as for me he could have come to visit me before, the last few months I was home, just describing my previous discoveries. As for what I discovered, well, I'm an archeologist, I just finished my studies last year and then went on an expedition to South Africa for half a year. We found few complete skeletons, one of the oldest ever found in the area, I'm going to show them to the boys. Trowa already saw them, but Duo and Wufei did not yet. And I bet Wufei doesn't even know that I went on an expedition finally. When we last talked two years ago I just dreamed, and since then dreams came true and I'm back with my discoveries. I'm so happy to see the boys, Trowa said he didn't see me like that since I've found my corpses, uhm, that's what he calls my discoveries like. I'm just glad we're going to be together again, if only for a while, they're like my second family, so I miss them all whole the time, and beside that, it was a reason for me and Trowa to get together for a hundredth time, though I just know we'll part again, when he'll feel that his need to come back to circus, and I will leave on another expedition. I guess that's just the way it goes between us. But for the next few days I'm not going to worry about it, we'll be together, me and Trowa, and Wufei, and Duo. Yeah, I'll see Duo again... After a year. I wonder how much longer his braid got through that time, back then it was reaching just below his knees, soon enough it'll reach the ground and I don't know what he'll do with it in order not to stomp on it, but I just know he will not cut it, despite that it catches in doors, lands in food etc. etc. since ever. I bet he had enough time to get used to it, and I know what it means to him, and I can see how it makes him look. He would have lost half his charm cutting his braid down, but I don't think it would really make things all that different for me. I should blush here, get all red like a soviet flag, I know, I really think I love Trowa, I'm not lying when I'm saying it to him, but Duo is just... There is something about him that makes me wonder sometimes what could have been if I hadn't Trowa, if Duo would be willing to take his place, or maybe, just maybe, if he would let me take this place for him. I just wonder, I can't help it. But that's nothing wrong, is it ?   


_Duo's POV:_

Can you believe it ? I met Heero again, completely by chance, in a place I would never except him to be at. But that doesn't matter, what does matter is that he's back to my life, and that I still feel that I love him, and that he makes it all better for me, because my life turned a mess in the last few weeks. I got hurt again. The pain was back... I never thought it would happen, I just thought I'd be happy ever after after I suffered so much in my childhood and during the war, but I was wrong, so fucked wrong... But maybe it was worth it, only because of that I met Heero again, most likely only because of that I have him staying with me, and to have him with me is worth everything for me, every sacrifice, every amount of pain. Now I have the knowledge, that he is with me, and that having him by my side nothing bad will ever happen to me again. He'll defend me, I'm his reason after all, I'm the same for him now that his missions were during the war, everything. And it gives me that sense of security, but what's more important, I'm happy, and I'll be ever.   
  


I rushed into the room where my ex-partners from the war were supposed to be. I needed to rush, I was a bit late, uhm... in fact, maybe a bit more than just a bit. Quatre had told me to get to his mansion at 9 a.m., it was 1 p.m., so not that big deal, last year I was two days late. But anyway, I stopped at the door only for a moment, to catch my breath and take loose bangs out of my eyes, and then pushed them open. My eyes ran frantically all over the room, looking for him. I couldn't help it, I still hoped that he would come on one of those reunions, just like that, and that I would find him sitting with them. Not this time, unfortunately. There was no young man with Prussian blue eyes there, only Trowa and Quatre, sitting on a couch together and making out like if world around them didn't exist, and Wufei, sitting on another couch and frowning. So, at least Wufei got there this year. I grinned devilishly and slipped silently into to room, I was going to surprise a bit our sweet couple. I shook my head when Wufei opened his mouth to speak and walked through the room, only to sit on the couch next to him. I threw my bag under the table, sat more comfortably and only then began to talk. 

" So, Wu-man, when do you think they'll run out of air ?" 

" Don't call me Wu-man, Maxwell." He growled. 

I just knew he was going to say it. Trowa and Quatre broke apart and looked at each other, startled, before turning to look at me. 

" Don't disturb yourself. I'm doing perfectly fine, as for now I lost my way only twice." I said while looking closely at my nails. 

Next moment, I had Quatre's arms around my neck and his blonde head on my shoulder. His Blondeness really is such a huggable creature, I couldn't stop myself from wrapping my own arms around his back and patting it several times. 

" I missed you, Duo." He mumbled in my shoulder. 

" Me too, Q-man. But let go of my neck now, `k ?" 

He nodded and let me go, sitting back on the opposite couch. 

" You're a bit late, Duo. Something got in your way ?" Asked Trowa, his voice dripping with sarcasm. 

I shoved my tongue at him. He just smiled with superiority at that. 

" Show us your braid, Duo !" Pleaded Quatre, so I stood up and turned back to them. My braid was reaching low below my knees. I just wondered what I was going to do with it in a year or so when it would have reached the ground, in order not to stomp on it. 

" Wow." Gasped his Blondeness. 

I turned and plopped back on the couch. Wufei gave me weird look, and moved away. 

" How are you, Wu-man ? I see you're already better than Tro was saying you were last year." 

" Fine." He flinched at my words and mumbled. 

Trowa's eyes narrowed dangerously at him. What was going on ? 

" So, what did ya find in Africa, Q-man ?" I asked young ambitious archeologist while Trowa death glared Wufei once again. There was something wrong between them, never mind. 

" Few complete skeletons, and a bit of loose bones." 

" They're here ?" I asked pointing the walls. 

He nodded. 

" Of course. I'll show them to you after lunch." 

" What ?! I'm supposed to sleep under one roof with few thousands years old corpses ? I won't close my eyes, I want to share bedroom with someone !" 

" How old are you, Duo ?" Asked Trowa all of a sudden. 

" Twenty-three. Why ?" 

" Don't act like if you haven't half your years, just that." 

" Yeah, of course. Don't disturb Trowa, don't be too loud, he doesn't like noises, don't smile, he prefers people menacing him than being nice, that's it ?" 

" Yes." He nodded. 

Quatre smiled at me in a way saying: `You know how he is.` and I grinned back in a way saying `I know and I don't give a fuck. He isn't really serious anyway.` 

" And as for maturity and things, I don't know if Q-man told you already, but I'm through with my theology. I ended university." 

" How that happened, Duo ? You should report it as a miracle, there is something like that in your religion, isn't it ?" Asked Trowa, this time openly grinning himself. He had changed, he had definitely changed since the first time I had met him. 

I frowned at his comment and turned to Wufei. 

" Aren't you going to congratulate me ?" 

" Sure, it's great." He said in a voice definitely lacking of enthusiasm. 

I frowned more. What is it, guys, aren't you happy for me ? 

" You know Duo, I'm starving, maybe let's go to the dining room. I have something special ready there." Said Quatre standing up. 

Something special, uh ? When Quatre has something special ready in the matter of food, one good thing one can do is to run in the direction where it is, if you know what I mean. So I stormed to the dining room past his Blondeness, forgetting about our rigid friends all together.   


It was one hell of an afternoon. We ate lunch, which really was delicious... What am I saying. Delicious isn't a word for this... Then we watched bones and skeletons which interested mostly Quatre, but I, unlike Wufei, tried to be nice and stood there patiently while he presented them. As for Wufei, he stormed out at some point, and we didn't see him ever since. Trowa said not to look for him, that he still had hard time with himself, so we didn't. Then we watched Quatre's mansion's garden, his horses, his cars and many other his things. Guy really owns too much for his own sanity, but at least he tries to share as much as possible, he supplies all founds for children orphaned by war, for people who lost their homes etc. etc. And, last but not least, he supplies us with money, and that's only thanks to him that I'm not back on the streets. Or at least, that I don't have to steal, in any way, to get money. Still, despite how much he gives to others, his Blondeness is still pretty rich himself. Pretty rich... I'm just being sarcastic, I must have picked this from Trowa. I never thought it was contagious... Anyway, I'm blabbering things that don't make much sense. Well, that's what I'm best at, after all, but, don't worry, I'll try to get better.   


That night I was sitting in my bedroom at Quatre's mansion and reading a book which I had gotten from his library (of course he owns a library, how could he not to ?). The house was quite empty and silent, only from Quatre's bedroom, apparently located somewhere above mine, were coming silent sounds - moaning, muffled screams. Apparently, Tro decided to keep him company. They weren't really loud but mere character of the sounds disturbed me enough, I threw the book away and lied on my back, just looking dumbly at the ceiling for some time, until another sound didn't get me out of my trance. Roar of the motorcycle's engine. I jumped to my feet and looked through the window, as I excepted seeing Wufei coming back from his late night excursion. His bedroom was next door to mine, it wasn't locked so I waited for him inside. We needed to talk. 

When he came in he was a bit startled with my presence, but then he chose to ignore me, he took his jacket off and looked for something in his bag like if I wasn't there. Then he stood up, looked at me for a while with unreadable expression that made me think about Heero and finally came closer and sat down on his bed next to me. 

" What do you want, Maxwell ?" 

" Do I have to want something ?" I asked, startled with his rude tone. We were friends after all, and we had that one in a year chance to spend some time together and he treated me like an intruder since I had gotten at the mansion. 

Silent moaning sounded from the bedroom above again. Wufei looked around. 

" Q-man and Trowa. Quatre's bedroom has to be above." I explained. 

He nodded absently, his black eyes taking weird, a bit dreamy expression. I moved closer to him and sniffed him but he didn't smell of alcohol as I had thought he would. I moved away and grinned at his startled expression. 

" So, Wu, when you're getting married ?" I asked. 

" When you do ?" He asked back. 

" I'm alone." I said while shaking my head. " But you lived with Sally so we all thought that sooner or later..." 

" You were wrong." He snapped me. 

I nodded, still smiling, though a bit unsure. He drew one knee up to his chest and wrapped his arms around it, taking his head down so that I couldn't see his face. 

" I'm gay, Maxwell." He said softly. 

My eyes widened, definitely widened, and suddenly my arm began to burn where it was touching his and I moved slightly away, and the moaning above us began to really disturb me. Wufei being gay... Who would have thought... I wondered if the others knew. 

" So, you have a... boyfriend ?" I spilled, my grin not quite willing to come on its place. 

" No." 

I wondered why, he looked really good, and though his attitude was a bit unnerving, I knew people who had worse and weren't alone at all, just think about Trowa, and considering sounds coming from above he definitely wasn't suffering from loneliness right then. So, Wufei was gay, and he was alone, and I had ended in his bedroom in the middle of the night, sitting on his bed next to him, surrounded by damned moaning coming from above. As for my liking, situation was getting a bit ambiguous. My eyes flickered to his crotch, and as I feared he was damned hard. I just knew he would be. I was aware of the effects I had on most guys like him. I wasn't stupid nor blind enough to not realize it after having to viscously turn down so many offers in the past. I couldn't even go normally to a bar or club, I always ended dragged to the bathroom. I sighed, turning away from him. Just to think, that Wufei wanted me as well, or maybe I just turned him on tonight because of the circumstances and all. Maybe it was just that... Maybe these weird, hungry looks he had been giving me for years and I always thought about as misunderstandings, thinking he was straight, really were just misunderstandings on my part. Maybe, but tonight was tonight and he was hard, most likely because of me, and it was definitely time to leave his bedroom. I was going to stand up, but he jumped to his feet before me, went to the doors, locked them and the gun out of his pocket. He was Preventer, he was still always having gun with him, I wasn't anymore but my hand reached to look for one anyway when he turned back to me and saw the look in his impossibly black eyes, obsession, pure obsession, and he began to advance on me. Fuck, no... Please... No... Not again...   


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Once again, thanks for reviews !   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. 6

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit AU, rape in this chapter ! Duo's POV (at least most the time)   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part VI**

  
  
  
  


I tried to stop him, I fought him the best I could, but I bet he had been always better in hand-to-hand fighting, and I had run out of practice. Before I had time to react in any way, yet alone defend, I was lying on my back on his bed, pinned under his dead-weight, my wrists viciously crushed under the both of us in the steel like grip of his hand, the gun plunged into my mouth. No way to scream, to escape, to stop him. All I could do was to look up at him, with a plea in my eyes. Fuck, I had trusted him, we had been friends and partners in war, how could I not to ? How could I except him to be able to... What Heero had done to me all those years ago had been bad, but lying there, sprawled under Wufei, I got to remember that he had raped me kissing me gently and whispering he had loved me and not once hit me. I remembered that getting first blow to my face, first and not the last. What had I done to deserve it ?! What ?! I had asked myself that question over and over again as the gun plunged deeper down my throat, strangling me, as another blows to my face and punches to my stomach came after he sprained both my shoulders and made them useless, getting his other hand free. He got us both out of clothes soon enough and with the first thrust came the realization, that he was doing this to kill, and if I wasn't going to do something soon I was going to die there. But the pain, all too well known for me, pain coming as the blades slipping into my flesh all the way up my spine and exploding in my brain as waves of something white and blinding, stopping every thought for a moment, made it impossible to do anything. He didn't stop beating me, getting few things in my face broken and bleeding, blood making my vision red, and mixing with tears, that began flowing freely down my cheeks at some point. My supposed-to-be friend, one of the three people I considered my family after the war... I hadn't done anything wrong to him, ever, I had been always trying to be nice, to reach out to him, I hadn't deserved this ! Why was he doing this to me ? I saw no reason. I bet he hadn't a mission, I bet that this time it was really happening for the other part's sick pleasure. Once again, like all those years ago, blood flowed down my thighs from my tattered inner walls, and my torment wasn't stopping, for so long. His fist collided with my chin for the last time, I coughed out a bit of blood, weird haze filling my mind. Even the pain began to fade, my vision spinning wildly from side to side. Slowly, I was slipping out of the consciousness, slowly the darkness enveloped me and I accepted it. Maybe I was dying, maybe not... I wasn't giving a fuck, what was point in living anyway in living if THIS was going to happen again, sooner or later. As long as there was no one to defend me from this, there was no point in living. Heero had left me, after doing THIS to me himself, and he was only one person I could imagine taking care of me. There was no point in living, if living meant facing this pain again, and if is had happened twice, it was going to happen again. It was what they all wanted from me, those who were dragging me to bathrooms in bars, looking at me like if I was a prey. I preferred to die than see such look again, now knowing what THEY meant. With another thrust came more realizations... Heero... He could have raped me to please himself as well... There had supposed to be a mission, but... When I was thinking about it then I realized that really he could have just try to make me believe in it to explain himself, it could have been a lie, after all in the end nothing had happened. There was a bit of craziness in stealing an atomic missile and sending me to Vilnius with it in order to cover such things, but... It could have been that. My life was really falling apart, if it was what Wufei intended to do and what he enjoyed so much, he was doing this well. I just prayed he would kill me in the end, so I wouldn't have to suffer living with all that knowledge... How I wanted to die... Not to feel the pain anymore, not have to look at the world through the red surface of my blood, never again being betrayed or used. Both times, there were friends that were raping me, but only because no one beside my partners from war was strong enough to put me down, and only them I trusted enough to let my defenses almost all down in their presence. That made it both worse and better. Worse because of the betrayal, better because only thanks to that it happened only twice. And even third time would have been enough for me to lose my mind, I just knew that. I wasn't going to stand any more of this. I opened my eyes for the last time and forced myself to look at Wufei's face, trying to get some focus. He was looking... content, he was smiling, his black eyes shining... At least I made someone happy... I closed my eyes before some more of the tears could slip from under my eyelids. When I was passing out, somehow, I didn't feel the pain anymore at all, and the blood on my body felt just like water would have. I was past the point of caring of what was happening to me, I relaxed and let him do to my body whatever he wished, while my soul left it. I hoped that forever...   
  


But I was back. Mere awareness was painful. There was no part of my body that didn't hurt, most was soaked in liquid or dried blood, I could feel it, and I could smell the scent of blood, intense in the air. I wanted to see what was happening, but I was too weak even to open my eyes. But I was alive, nonetheless, he hadn't killed me... I heard a sound of something being zipped somewhere close. Wufei ? Was I still there ? I forced my eyes open and getting all my strength, took my head slightly up to see more. The pressure put on my sprained shoulders made the pain explode in them, I hissed, and at the sound he turned to me. I was still in Wufei's bedroom, but he wasn't with me anymore, he was standing few yards away, with his pants already on and dressing in his shirt. Then I... I didn't know from where I took enough of mental strength to look his straight in the eyes, with cold, steady look, like if he hadn't shattered anything in me, but I did, I did give him the same look that the God of the Death in me had given all my victims before, and the cold pressure of little crucifix made by own hands of black Gundamium, all those years ago, just before we had destroyed our mobile suits, helped me to keep my gaze locked with his. And there were his eyes that were haunted, not mine. 

" Why did you do this to me ?" I asked softly, still keeping our gazes locked. 

He wasn't going to answer, I knew, but I wanted to see the look in his eyes. And I saw it, terrible realization flashing in them, just before he reached for his gun, put it to his mouth and fired. Before I managed to close my eyes I saw the bullet coming right through the skull, and the brain... 

I screamed then, though I wasn't aware of what I was screaming, maybe nothing coherent, as tears filled my eyes but wouldn't flow, just gathering under my eyelids, stinging... Had I killed him with that last look ? Maybe he wouldn't have done it if I wouldn't... My screams alarmed others... and almost immediately after Trowa unhinged the door.   


_Trowa's POV:_

What I saw in Wufei's bedroom, in the dim light of the night lamp, was the scene from my worst nightmares concerning my fellow ex-pilots. Duo was lying sprawled on the bed, naked and seriously wounded, blood flowing down his thighs in thick rivulets, and his face... His once beautiful face was covered in blood completely, bangs plastered to his forehead, lips trembling with effort that caused him catching the breath, huge violet eyes full of unshed tears, and was maybe the worst, shadowed. The light, that was ever-present in them, the light that was his love of life, went out, and I felt dull pain in my chest at the realization. I heard Quatre rushing downstairs after me, I shut the door to block the view and turned to him. 

" Go away ! I don't want you here !" 

" Why ?" He asked, worry filling his blue eyes... blue eyes, with not even a shade of violet to them... 

" Just stay away, Quatre. Go to call ambulance." I said softer. 

He opened his mouth to ask about what had happened, but closed it and rushed down the corridor. 

I turned, taking the gun out this time and unblocking it before I opened the door and stepped in. I moved to rush to Duo's side, but he spoke before I approached, though it was unbelievable that he was even still aware of his surroundings. 

" First him, Trowa. I am not dying." He said softly. 

Him ? Wufei ? I looked down following Duo's eyes and only then noticed Wufei's body lying still in the pool of blood and brain that had run out of his crushed skull. Crushed by a bullet, it looked for me. I kicked him in the side, getting the corpse to turn on its back. It seemed that he had fired a gun inside his mouth. I bet he would have preferred to commit regular harakiri, just hadn't any appropriate weapon with him. I kneeled down to check on the pulse though it was already obvious that he was dead. So I stood up and went to Duo. He looked up at me, like if he excepted an answer to a question. 

" He's dead." I said. And why did you care, Duo ? 

He just tried to nod. I shook my head. He shouldn't move in his conditions, it would even have been better if he was unconscious, but I couldn't just give him a blow to his neck, it wasn't what he needed from me right now. But what did he need ? Reassurance ? Words ? First aid ? Compassion ? I bet he wanted to die, and I bet he thought no one was able to understand what he felt. These feelings weren't alien to me, I had experienced them myself every time just after. So I chose to be silent and after wrapping him in the sheets just held his hand, not putting too much pressure in order not to hurt him more. He wasn't looking at me anymore, but I could understand this as well. All he wanted at the moment was to disappear, I knew it. But I wasn't going to let him die, I believed he could live through it, as I had. But, really, what was the point in living for him if he wasn't ever going to be the same ? He was already dead, with the light in his violet eyes... How could I have let it happen ? How had it happened anyway ? We should have heard something, screams, noises, if Wufei would have dragged him to his bedroom, and beside that, Wufei wouldn't have even done it like that, I was sure about it. Duo had had to provoke him to somehow unconsciously provoke him... Had he came to his bedroom on his own ? But how had it happened, that to this shot that hadn't made the slightest of noises ? How ?! I had been lying awake upstairs whole the time and I hadn't heard anything. How the fuck had that happened ?! And what else could I have done to prevent this than lie there awake and listen ? I couldn't have sat at Duo's door with a gun in one hand and a knife in other if I had been trying to save some sense of normality among us. I couldn't have done nothing more ! But I had failed, nonetheless... Knowing what could have happened, I had been so damned careless ! 

" Tro ?" Duo's weak, silent voice slipped me out of my reverie. " Are you... blaming... yourself ? Did you know... as well ?" He said softly, blood sipping from his mouth. 

What had he meant by `you knew as well` ? 

" Shh... You shouldn't talk, Duo... Try to fall asleep, don't force yourself to stay awake, fall asleep. When you'll wake up, everything's going to be better." 

" Wu's dead..." He whimpered softly. 

Why did he care ? 

" Shh..." I soothed him, my other hand reaching to play with his braid. Something I had wanted to do from so long... He forced blank smile up at me, just before his eyes closed and breathing steadied. He blacked out. I let his impossibly long braid slip out from between my fingers before leaning down to kiss just the top of his head. I bet that he was going to need me more than Quatre in the following weeks, if not months and years...   


_Duo's POV:_

I woke up again. I knew somehow that I wouldn't be in Wufei's bedroom anymore, that a lot time had passed since the last time I had been awake, days, maybe weeks. I felt stiff and weak. Anesthetics ? I had the feeling of being wrapped in bandages, so most likely I was in a hospital. I didn't really wish to open my eyes to see white walls and ceiling, and some machines hooked up to me. I tried to black out again, but... I felt something soft and sweet brushing my lips, and heard Quatre's voice, just above my head. 

" Hi, Duo... How it's going ?" 

Had he... I shrugged the thought off and smiled at him, slowly opening my eyes. I met his bright blue gaze in the closest proximity ever, his eyes widening in disbelief. 

" You're awake ?" 

" Yeah... And I'm fine, Quat..." I said softly. 

He smiled back, a bit shyly, pink tint coming to his pale cheeks. 

" Help me take my head higher." I asked. 

He nodded and put more pillows under my head and shoulders, so I was half-sitting. I was completely stiff, not only because of the anesthetics that was plumped right to my veins, but also because of the plasters my ribs and both arms were put into. All I could move were my hand's fingers and legs, rest was immobilized. My God, it had never been that bad with me before... 

Quatre finished his work of sitting me up comfortably and sat himself on the edge of the bed, now smiling gently like he tended to, confusion forgotten. He assumed I hadn't felt... 

" So, how long am I here ?" I asked, once again shrugging the thought off. Maybe I had my law to be a bit uncomfortable with other male touching me, especially in that way, but Quatre was just... other thing... 

" Over a week." 

" How long am I going to be ?" 

He hesitated before answering, but did in the end. 

" Three weeks, maybe a month." 

I sighed. I couldn't help it. I looked around the room, it was single, quite comfortable, nicely decorated, and walls weren't white at all. They were light shade of orange, as the sheets, curtains and flowers on the night table. 

" And you're paying for this." 

" That's not that big of a deal." He said immediately. 

I wasn't going to argue, he wasn't going to stop paying for my stay in the nicest room in the hospital anyway, he just was like that. Rich people... I would never get to understand them... 

" Wufei's dead ?" I asked, though I did remember him killing himself, and I knew that it was true, no matter how much I wanted all of this to be just a bad dream. I shook my head, trying to block more memories from that night, trying to keep the knowledge that THIS had happened again away from me, if only for a while longer, till Quatre wouldn't leave, at least. He was too fragile to see me breaking down, he wouldn't have stood this. 

" Yes, he suici..." 

" I know." I snapped him seeing his blue eyes fill with pain as he spoke. But I needed to know. 

" What happened to him... after ? I mean, where did you bury him ?" 

Quatre shook his blond head. 

" We didn't. Police took him." 

" Just like that ?" I asked bitterly. I saw the shocked expression in his eyes, he wondered why I cared. I... I honestly didn't know... I just thought it wasn't just for him, to be abandoned like that by all his friends in the end, no matter what he had done. It hadn't been really him that had raped me. I knew it, I could feel it back then, I had seen it in his eyes. There had been some demons that had been hunting him, that had made him do this. I had had a feeling that he hadn't wanted this, that something had been making him do this, despite his will. That look in his black eyes, then, just before... obsession... Had I unconsciously done it to him ? Was it what I was making them all feel, all those who were looking at me with longing and hunger in their eyes ? Was I turning them all crazy, just like that, with mere look, with my presence ? I couldn't stand the thought. I had made my friend suffer and kill himself... But I hadn't meant to... and I had suffered and was going to suffer enough to redeem my sin, and I had wanted to join him in death... Did I still want this, to die ? No. I felt the fear of death again. Maybe it was even helping me somehow... that Wufei was gone after doing THIS, unlike Heero... How could I think like that ? 

" Duo..." Said Quatre softly, getting my attention. " Do you want me to leave now ? You want to see Trowa ? He's out there." He pointed at the door. 

" Yes." I answered to both questions. Trowa... I... needed someone's presence beside me, I was going to go crazy if they would have left me alone, and in Trowa's presence I wasn't going to have to restrain myself, I knew somehow that he was going to understand whatever I was going to do, and that he was going to take it well enough, and I still had questions, Quatre wasn't one to answer. So he stood up and left, smiling brightly to me from the doorway. I stayed alone... I didn't want to be alone ! Me was scary at the moment, I didn't want to be left alone, no, please ! Memories came flowing back, of the both times mixed together... I thought I had been through with reminding myself first time I had been raped, but no ! I had found new meaning to it, I had finally understood, Heero had done this to use me for his own pleasure... God, please... I wasn't going to stand much of it, as much as I feared death and suicide, I feared the life that was awaiting me more... I remembered IT, like if it was happening right then, I felt every bit of pain, and every drop of blood... everything, was so real... I began to cry, and I would have most likely put my face in my hands, but I hadn't hands, my both arms were in plasters... I would most likely hide my face behind the curtain of my hair... my hair ? wait... my hair ?! Just then I realized that my braid was nowhere to be seen nor felt... They had cut my hair... all the memories that were linked with it... it all was taken away from me... How much more could I even stand losing ? Why had they done it ?! How could Trowa and Quatre let them ?!! Why ?!!! I broke into tears at this point, over the loss of my braid, over everything it was for me, and over the loss of everything else in my life, given to me for a moment and taken away, leaving me once again having nothing, like back then, when I had found myself having no name, home nor parents, on a shuttle that had been flying somewhere, and which is the oldest memory I have... Now I was just like then, alone, having nothing and slowly losing the last thing that had left me, myself...   


_Trowa's POV:_

So he had woke up, finally, over a week after. Quatre had been there when he had regained consciousness, they had talked and then Quatre had stormed out of the room with his blue eyes widened in shock. I hadn't asked what had happened, just gotten in myself after he had said Duo wanted to see me. He could be in quite bad shape, I acknowledged the possibility, and I wasn't shocked when I saw him sitting there and crying, with lips clenched in order to muffle the sobs, and trickle of blood flowing down his chin from bitten lip. He was looking miserable, him, that always laughed, crying, put in plasters, beaten, bruised, with his hair short, but despite that all, he was still beautiful. 

" Duo..." I said softly to get his attention. 

He opened his eyes, squeezed shut before, and looked up at me. As I feared, his violet eyes were shaded, and painfully empty, if filled with anything, then only fear, growing as I began approaching. But I didn't stop, even seeing his futile attempts to get away, to hide, to disappear. I reached for a cloth and wiped his face clean of tears and blood, then soaked it in cold water, which full bowl was standing beside the bed, and put it to his bitten lip. We had been using both items before, to ease the pain that had been causing all the injuries on his face, only now slowly healing. I took the cloth away only as bleeding stopped. He shivered viscously under my touch when I reached my hand then to brush fresh tears away. He couldn't stand contact... 

" Duo, look at me." 

His eyes were squeezed shut, and he turned his head away from my hand and from me. At my words, he opened his eyes slowly, but turned to look up at me only when I took my hand away. Violet eyes were filled with irrational fear. 

" I'm your friend. I wouldn't do anything wrong to you. I won't hurt you." 

He took few deep, steady breaths, slowly regaining some measure of control over himself. 

" And how could I know that ?" He asked bitterly. " Both times, there were friends that did THIS to me." 

Both times ? I sat back on the edge on the bed. 

" But I won't do this." I said firmly. 

He shook his head. I wasn't going to argue, as for now. 

" You mean it happened once before Wufei ?" 

" I don't want to talk about it." 

" Just tell me when."   
" No." 

" Tell me. Before the war ?" 

" No." 

" So, during it ?" 

He opened his mouth to deny, but closed it. He didn't lie. During the war then... Who ? I could get to know probing him like that, but did I honestly want to know ? Did I really need to know ? Before I reflected on it, one thought subdued my mind... Another pilot, another friend, that had been looking at Duo like that, like Wufei... 

" Heero ?" 

He looked up at me, with weird, half-frightened, half-menacing look. He didn't want me to know, he didn't want anyone to know, I could understand. I had never let anyone know myself. But he hadn't denied, one more time. So it was true. Heero had done it to him before. A lot things got clear for me. Not only hungry look in Heero's eyes whenever he had been looking at Duo thinking no one had been paying attention, but also sudden... coldness between them, which had started at some point and continued to the end of the war. We all had assumed back then that they had had to have a fight or something, but most likely, it had been that. Second time... It had to be worse for him than I had previously assumed. Two times raped by a friend, he was most likely beginning to believe that all people that were friendly to him, that seemed to want him in any way, were capable of doing this to him. I had come to that realization as well, after few first times. I needed to prove him wrong, or he wasn't going to let anyone close anymore. He was going to create impenetrable barriers and turn as cold and reserved as some of us, something I couldn't let happen. Something I had to prevent. I had to save Duo Maxwell, for my own sake as well, I wanted to be for him that someone I had dreamed of meeting once myself, someone that would defend me from this, stop the nightmare. Someone that had never appeared in my life and it was maybe why I had lost all I didn't want Duo to lose. Something that still was in him, just buried under thin layer of shock and fear, something I needed to get back to surface, in order to save him. 

" You want to ask me something ?" 

He nodded. 

" Will police want something from me ?" 

I could tell he was terrified by the thought of being interrogated. But we had prevented it already. We had talked to the mister detective for so long that he had finally accepted that Wufei had done it and he was dead and that there was nothing more he could find. 

" No." 

Kind of relief appeared in his eyes. But they darkened again soon enough. 

" What happened to my hair ?" 

" You had an operation. They put your face back together from, mean it literally, bloody mess. Your hair would have complicated things, so we allowed doctors to cut them. And believe me, Duo, that's not the end of the world." 

" You don't understand. Where is my crucifix ?" 

" Here." I said getting piece of black Gundamium out of my pocket. " While you're in hospital, it's better for you not to have it on. That's Gundamium after all. Not everyone has it. Let's don't make you look suspicious. It'll get back to you as soon as you're out of here." 

He nodded. For a long time, there was silence between us. I figured out he didn't need my presence anymore and turned to leave. 

" Trowa ?" 

" Yes ?" I turned from the doorway. 

" I don't want to be alone." 

I nodded, coming back to sit on the chair next to the bed. 

" I don't want to be alone anymore, ever." He whispered. " Don't leave me, Tro."   


_Duo's POV:_

Following weeks were a blur for me. I didn't know why I had asked Trowa to stay with me, I had asked a lot, and he had complied, he had left Quatre for me. I didn't know why I had done it... Maybe because he was my only choice, there was no one beside him that I actually could ask to take care of me and protect me. There was no love between us, of course. At least not on my part, because I had figured out eventually that he loved me, really did. And so we had broken Quatre's heart. But he had accepted it soon enough, I thought he always had that feeling of lack of stability in his bond with Trowa, and that had helped him to accept it, us. Trowa was good for me, gentle, understanding, understanding to the point... I think now that he had had to live through it himself, being raped at some point in his life, to know so well what I felt. He had taken care of me, spend all his time with me, listened to me, soothed me, sometimes even talked a bit about himself. He was good for me, really, all the times in the past when he had hurt me forgotten, and then, when I had finally left the hospital, he had let me accompany him back to the circus. And he didn't want nothing in return, almost nothing. He had gotten me to stop fearing him, and once I had, he had begun to look for a physical closeness, and I had let him, as my body was all I could give him in return for being so good to me. I was like a doll, just lying there and letting him have his way with me. Did I feel used then ? Not much, it was rather me that used him, used his love, than him. But I did feel dirty. I was buying myself a warm place to stay, someone's presence, closeness, gentleness and love, for my body, I didn't want to, but I had no choice. I feared being alone, I needed someone to protect me. I didn't know how that had happened that I, God of the Death, had gotten to this point, but I was already there, I feared, I couldn't help it and I needed someone to belong to because it was giving me sense of security. I wasn't getting these looks when I was going out with Trowa, his arm around my shoulders, then they were looking at him, with jealousy and, sometimes, aggression, but not at me, at least. I was weak. Yes. I was disgusted with myself, and I didn't stop thinking about ending everything. My life had turned a mess. I had nightmares, worse than after the war, I feared that it would happen again, I was losing myself, and what I had with Trowa, however it was helping me, was not right, and while making some things better, made other things worse. I had that feeling, that I was getting lower and lower, and that sooner or later I wouldn't be able to stand it anymore. However for other people everything could have seemed all right. I lived with Trowa at the circus, so changed my residence every few days, they hadn't gotten me any work yet, so I was spending my days wandering around the cities we were in, accompanying Trowa at his trainings and appearances, joking around with the others... Yes, I had regained ability to slip my jester's mask on, yes, I had... but... before, there really had been optimism and happiness behind it, just not that much of optimism and happiness as it had made it look, especially during the war, then, in the time of peace, I had begun to lose the feeling of wearing a mask altogether, I had been really that happy back then, and now... I was using it to make them all wrong about how I really felt, to trick them, to lie to them... And they seemed to believe me, but, after all, they hadn't known me before, they couldn't notice the difference, but Tro... I couldn't forgive him for not noticing. But... I could understand it... he was happy with me like that, he assumed I was happy too, simple as that... He didn't want to notice, and to have to face the fact that I was not happy with him just because he was with me, because I didn't love him as he was trying to make himself believe I did. And I did not want to really prove him wrong. He didn't deserve it. He was just good for me.   


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Thanks for reviews ! Especially to diane !   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. 7

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time)   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part VII**

  
  
  
  


Another day like that I got up around noon and after eating breakfast went to look for Trowa. He was practicing on the trapeze, and didn't seem to end anytime soon but I asked him anyway if he would accompany me to the walk around the city. He said he was going to be busy whole day, so if I wanted to I could go alone. I feared, but after another three hours of pointless sitting and watching acrobats do the same thing for the hundredth time I got bored and decided to go. I stood up, waved Trowa good-bye and headed to the city. I just wandered around for a long time, simply having nothing better to do, I had no need of buying anything or nothing, I even had no money. I was just walking to fill my time somehow. I watched shop windows, I even got inside few times, mindlessly watching all the things stored, having no interest in nothing anyway, I was sitting on a bench in a park for some time, watching people passing by. Few girls in school uniforms tried to flirt with me at the mall, and I met few guys in tight clothes that commented on my appearance loud enough for all people on the street to hear, but beside that I wasn't disturbed. Slowly, it was getting late and I got hungry, so I headed back to the circus. At some point I realized that someone was walking behind me, so I turned, only to see short guy dressed all in black leather. He stopped as well just behind me and flashed me wide grin, making lack of few teeth in his mouth apparent. 

" See, you're just wandering around all alone, maybe I could keep you company. I can walk you home or something." 

" I'm not from here." I said intending to go away. 

" That's not that big of a deal, we could go to my place and have fun. What you think ?" 

" I think that's not the best idea." I said resuming to walk away from him. 

He didn't do nothing to stop me, at least not that this time. But it got me irritated anyway, I shoved my hands to the pockets of my black pants and fastened the pace. I wanted to go away from there, to come back to circus, to the safety, but I stopped dead in my tracks when something... something all too familiar, flashed in front of me. Brilliant Prussian blue eyes... 

I turned immediately looking after the figure of young man with unruly brown hair. For a moment I could not force myself to speak, but I had to, My God, I had to. This was... 

" Heero ?" I called in his direction. 

He stopped dead in his tracks as well, and only after a while turned to me. This really was him... Intense gaze met mine, one his hand reaching to run through his hair. He was almost the same as when I had seen him for the last time, six years ago, yet so much different. He wasn't a boy I loved anymore, he was a man now. He was higher, seemed more mature, but his eyes were more open and less cold than back then. And he was still beautiful for me, and I could get used to the changes. Only then I realized his second arm was wrapped around slim waist of another young man, I bet younger than me, and... Guy was pretty, really, and beautiful, he had immense brilliant light green eyes, and long black hair falling on down his shoulders. Once I noticed him I was ready to leave. Heero had his own life after the war, I wasn't a part of anymore, and there was no point in trying to force myself in. We couldn't be close, after what he had done to me, and I bet he wouldn't want me having already someone like that guy he was with. I turned to leave and began to walk away. 

" Duo, wait !" 

He called after me, or rather gave me an order, and I stopped. 

" You know him ? Who is he ?" Asked that guy who was with him. 

" Old friend..." He answered looking at me, not at him. His eyes had really changed, lost that cold, absent and concentrated at the same time, look that was ever-present there during the war. There was also a sense of warmth in his voice. He had changed, but these were changes for better, and I couldn't except him to stay the same, considering how much I had changed myself, especially during the last few weeks. 

I couldn't just stand there like that forever and stare at them, so I forced a wide smile and approached them, taking my hand out to Heero. He looked at me quizzically. I knew why. Throughout all those years, since that night, I hadn't let him touch me, not even once, not even brush me the slightest. But after a while he shook hands with me, putting maybe more pressure than necessary. His hand was calloused and rough, and I loved the feel of it. 

" We need to talk." I said softly looking up at him, wait..., up ? How had that happened that Japanese had grown higher than me ? 

He nodded and disentangled himself from his companion's embrace, took keys to an apartment out of his pocket and gave them to him with an absent look. It looked that they lived together, how could I force myself into this ? But yet again, did really something have to happen ? It was just my dream, that if I ever meet Heero again I would tell him how I had always felt about him, and we would end up together. Nothing like that really had to happen, we could spend that one afternoon talking about nothing and then never see each other again, or maybe call once a year. But I would be at least sure from now on that nothing bad had happened to him after the war and he was somewhere there, alive and happy. I needed that knowledge, and I was grateful for that meeting. 

" Go home and wait for me, I would be back soon enough. We'll go for beer with Duo and talk about old times." 

" You're sure he's just your friend ?" Asked the guy eyeing me suspiciously. " You know, he has that look..." 

" Yes." Heero snapped him and began to go away. 

I followed him shortly after. He was walking damned fast, like if he was running from something, I couldn't quite catch up to him. My recently crushed ribcage began to hurt and I had to stop at some moment, breathing slowly, unconsciously taking my hand to my chest. 

He stopped as well, and turned to look at me, and... worry filled his eyes when he saw pained expression on my face, really, he cared for me. He was back, and he cared. I felt tears stinging under my eyelids, I was happy to see him again, maybe happier than I had been ever before, and I couldn't stand being so happy and wearing emotionless mask or false smile, I couldn't. I broke down into tears and he looked at me suspiciously, with concern still present in his dark blue eyes, and somehow I ended up crying in his embrace, with his strong arms wrapped around my frame, so much slimmer than his now, and my face buried in his shirt. I didn't believe anymore that he had done THIS to me to please him, I didn't believe that but I still had no clue either what had really happened then. Maybe I needed to ask, maybe it was what we really needed to do, talk, and not to hold anything back. 

" What's wrong with you ?" 

It would be appropriate to say `everything's fine` but I couldn't get myself to, I just whimpered something incoherent and then pulled away, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. 

" Let's go somewhere. You live here ? There's a nice park not far away." I said before pulling on his sleeve and getting him to follow me. 

We got there in a few minutes and seeing all branches occupied, mostly by couples, I plumped down on the grass under the trees, and after a while of hesitation Heero followed suit. 

" That's what I love on Earth. Enough space to waste it on places like that." I said lying down and staring up into the sky, surely blue, but not as blue as Heero's eyes. I felt good, better than I felt ever since Wufei... I shook my head, I really didn't need those thoughts, maybe it would have been better to just forget and start everything from the beginning. It wasn't that bad idea, all I really wanted to remember were Solo, Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, and my love for Heero, all good things in my life, the rest was shit. And from all those good things only love for Heero hadn't been eventually taken away from me, and I couldn't let myself lose it, I just couldn't. It was my only way to happiness, or even normalcy. I needed to take things in my hands and lose everything or gain a second chance. The moment had come. 

" Where were you after the war ? We all tried to find you." I asked, sitting back up. 

" I used money from OZ accounts. I was in a boarding college, then secret police." 

" So you're fighting against people like us back then, during the war..." I sighed. " But it could be excepted. Where else can a person cease to exist ? " 

He seemed a bit uncomfortable with what I said, but he couldn't deny that it was true. 

" What about you ?" 

" I wasn't hiding. Quatre supplied me with money, I ended college and went on a university. I studied theology. Every year four of us met at Quatre's mansion on L4. Whole the time, we hoped that you'll join us one day. Well... You never did. Over two months ago I ended university and we reunited to celebrate it and then..." Remember, Duo, you promised yourself not to hold anything back... I lowered my voice to silent whisper. "...and then... Wufei always had a thing for me, even more like..." 

His eyes widened, and he unconsciously moved closer to hear better, since I was talking so softly. 

"... he was obsessed with me, and when I came to his bedroom at night, to talk, just that, he couldn't hold on anymore and... he raped me, and then killed himself... I couldn't stop him, I don't know if you knew but he was Preventer, he had more practice, and he was stronger... you see, I didn't turn very... you know... I couldn't stop him, either from doing this to me nor killing himself..." 

" I would have killed the bastard myself if he would have lived to this moment !" 

I looked at him, startled by his outburst, but continued anyway, even softer. 

" I was in hospital then, they needed over a month to put me back together. Still, I'm not fully healed. And then, I asked Trowa to... take care of me... and he did, though he had been with Quatre before..." 

" You mean, you're Trowa's lover ?" 

I nodded, noticing his fists clenching themselves to the point when knuckles turned white. 

" What's wrong, Heero ?" 

He shook his head, his jaw set too firmly to say `nothing`. What was affecting him so much ? Did he care so much about me ? I would have wanted him to, but... 

" You know, Heero, I was being completely honest with you. Maybe I deserve it, too, after all." 

" Back then, when I did this to you..." 

I knew immediately what `this` meant. 

"... I wasn't myself, J controlled me way more than I wished to be controlled. I... I regret what I did, really. After the war, I found him and met him again, and I killed him, for what he did to you by my hands. I suffered then, because of the chip planted to my brain by him, but finally I met the scientist that took it away. I've changed a lot since then." 

" I see..." I said thoughtfully. What did mean what he had said ? He had tried to avenge me, in a way, he cared about me, but I couldn't jump to conclusions. However, things between us got clear and simple, like they had been once in the past, we were friends again. I smiled brightly at him, because I was genuinely happy, and decided to ask the question that bothered me maybe the most. 

" That guy you were with is your boyfriend ? You live together ?" 

I had to wait a while for an answer 

" Kind of. We share a hotel room, I don't live here." 

" How long are you together ?" 

" Over a year." 

At that moment, bright smile on my face changed back into just a facade. How could I have been so stupid as to think that Heero would... He had his own life, his lover, his work, I wasn't fitting there. 

" See, Heero, I would have gladly talked more, but I have to run back to the circus. Tro has an appearance in an hour." I jumped to my feet, muttered `goodbye` and quickly turned to leave. I could feel that I was going to cry again, and I didn't want him to see my tears. He would have been disgusted with me. There had been times when I had never cried... These times were over... everything was over... I had done the last thing I needed to do in my life, repaired my friendship with Heero, had seen him again, now all was over, I wasn't going to stand even one more day of my life with Trowa. I wasn't going to go back to circus, there was a bridge on the way back... It was pitiful way to commit suicide, I knew, but... I didn't care what they were going to think of me, maybe I needed to finally stop caring about it... I began to walk away, slowly, then faster and faster, I was almost running away from there, until vicious pull on my arm didn't stop me and I met Prussian blue eyes' intense gaze again, Heero's face mere inches from mine. He pulled me up so my feet weren't even touching the ground and crushed me to himself in tight embrace. 

" Do you really think I'm blind ? Do you really think that someone like you, that has his feelings written across his face could hide something like that ? There were few men in my life, but in every single one of them I was looking for you." 

He had more hissed that than anything, like if he was really reprimanding me, but that didn't matter... I took my head the most up I could and looked at him closely. Still, I couldn't read him. I couldn't know if he meant what I thought he meant... 

" Do you mean... ?" 

" You know well enough what I mean, baka." He whispered before frantically pressing his lips to mine. I gave in to him almost immediately, letting him kiss me breathless...   


I woke up ready to cry... over what I could never have...   
I had found out yesterday that Heero was dead, killed just after the end of the war.   
I was not going to stand it, anymore of it, I was going to end it, there really was a bridge in this city, on the way from circus to the park... 

... and maybe I was going to meet him there...   


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	8. 8

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV.   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part VIII**

  
  
  
  
  


I woke up to the blinding light piercing my eyelids. I wanted to see what it was. I blinked few times, before finally managing to open my eyes. I was weak and stiff, and everything hurt - dull, distant ache, changing into sharp pain every time you tried to move. But there wasn't even any way to move, quickly enough I realized I was tied down to the bed. I opened my eyes and looked around through the light dazzling me, coming from a large window in front of me, looking over the white walls deprived of any decoration to the various machines hooked up to me, pulse measure beeping steadily, though way too quickly. If I was observed and someone was waiting for me to wake up, I would have company soon. But what had happened ? 

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to block the offending light and tried to concentrate enough to remember something. Previous days... Before I had blacked out... Heero... 

It all had gotten clear for me then, my sweet dream about me being finally happy with the man I had loved for so many years, and then, when I had gotten to know he had been killed... I had found the information in Preventers' archives, which I had gotten access to thanks to few disks Wufei had had with himself, that had given me few hints as to where to look and what kind of password request I should have excepted. And there it had been, Heero's file, since he had joined Preventers after the second war, saying he had been killed on his first mission, right after the end of the war. And I had been living ever since then hoping still I would have met him again, someday, somewhere. He was dead, and having that knowledge, I couldn't stand living anymore. I had tricked Trowa and gotten out of the circus, and went to the bridge on the way to the park I had dreamed of meeting Heero in, and knowing that I wouldn't meet him there, or anywhere for that matter, never, I had jumped. 

For the memories that had been hunting me awake and asleep, memories of what my supposed to be friends had done to me, for the feeling of being used that was coming from what I had with Trowa, and for all those hungry glances I couldn't stand sliding down my body anymore, I had jumped down, head first, with my eyes squeezed shut tightly, hoping that mere hitting the surface of the water from that height would be enough to kill me. Then, I had been feeling nothing, beside the wind whining in my ears, and then really nothing, blackness, void, darkness, something I had welcomed, because it hadn't wanted me at all. I would have been going to be left in peace, by everyone, forever. 

I had thought I had succeeded. Obviously, I had not. 

I squeezed my eyes tighter at the sound of the door being opened. Someone had walked in, I hoped it was just a nurse, but as soon as I heard the person's steps, I could tell it was Trowa. He had saved me, again. Was he really thinking he was doing me a favor ? He should have known better than that. 

I tried to steady my pulse, something I had been taught all those years ago, hoping he would assume I was asleep again, or just wouldn't bother me, but he didn't give me that comfort. 

" I know you're awake." He said pulling the curtains over the window blocking the dazzling light, before approaching to stand next to my bed. 

" Duo..." 

Just the tips of his fingers traced my features... Feathery like touch, with something soothing to it, making me at least feel safe. I could have learned to love Trowa, really, if only I wasn't already in love with Heero, unable to get rid of my feelings for him, even now, when I had gotten to know he was dead, it was pulsing within my heart, with renewed force. From where was it getting that force ? 

" Why did you want to die ?" He asked, for once being the one talking more. 

I ignored him. What was I supposed to tell him ? That I loved Heero, that it was because I had gotten to know he was dead ? That I loved my rapist more than anything ? He was the last person to understand. And I would lose the sense of security he was giving me as long as I needed to stay alive by telling him I loved another man, not him. 

" What I did wrong ?" 

What had he done wrong ? How could he ask ? I wasn't going to answer anyway, but I thought he could feel it, too, that he was using me, and that I was with him because I had no other choice. At the same time, he was maybe the best person I had ever met in my adult life, he didn't have to be with me, take care of me, yet he did, he loved me. I had never been loved by another man before, not in that way, deprived of destructiveness. What I wouldn't have given for a chance to love him back... 

" You want to ask me something ?" 

Slowly, I opened my eyes, meeting his intense gaze, filled with worry, though his face was mostly emotionless, just a bit sad. 

" Why am I tied down ?" 

I saw relief in his green eyes when he heard me speaking. He had feared I would not. 

" They've assumed you as a danger to yourself." 

" So... Will I stay like that till I'm old and ready to die naturally because of that ?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm. Some part of my sense of humor wouldn't leave me ever. 

" Only as long as psychiatrists will think it's necessary." 

" Get me out of here, Tro." I whispered pleadingly. Everything, but psychiatrists, I wasn't a damned freak... I wasn't the one who had done it to myself. 

" I can't." He shook his head. " We would both be wanted. Preventers are investigating in the matter of Wufei's death. As long as they won't finish, we're supposed to stay here." 

" I'm not the one who has done something wrong !" I screamed, astonished with my own outburst. I wasn't going to answer to any kind of questions, to recall myself what had happened. I hadn't been my fault ! I had not killed Chang Wufei, he had done it himself, I was just a victim, couldn't they understand it ? Or maybe they knew it. I understood them well enough. It wouldn't do them any good, to have to admit that one of their best agents had been obsessed with his ex-partner from the war and had ended up raping him and suiciding. It was all showing clearly he was a freak, and their doctors, psychiatrists and whoever else hadn't realized that. I couldn't even be completely sure that wouldn't be blamed for his death, and Trowa was right, us running away would have meant just that for them. 

" Hospital staff probably let them know already that you're awake. Someone will come to interrogate you, even today." 

I closed my eyes, sinking in the pillows more comfortably, at least as comfortably as the cuffs on my wrists and ankles were letting me. 

" Do they know I tried to..." 

" Yes." He nodded. 

So, I was going to be interrogated as a freak, psychopath. Maybe they were going to prove that it had been me that had raped Wufei ?! 

" Duo." 

" Yes ?" I muttered, though my consciousness was beginning to fail me slowly. 

" I won't let them blame you for this. Nor me nor Quatre, and we're both witnesses." 

" Thanks..." I said softly, slipping away. 

His lips brushed mine and I heard the sound of his steps and the door closing. Trowa shouldn't have saved me, if I would have died then there wouldn't have been any problems... but he had, and now I was held prisoner in a hospital and Preventers had found us, probably going to blame us for hiding from them for those few weeks that had passed since the night Wufei had... which I had spent in circus with Trowa. However as for me, they could blame me even for my rapist's death and punish me with death, if only coming soon enough. I didn't care anymore, not after what had happened, and not when Heero wasn't there anymore... I wasn't going to look into beautiful Prussian blue eyes again... Ever again... Two single tears slid down my cheeks... I was crying again... Was I ever going to stop ?   
  


Why had I dreamed of him again ? Wasn't I going to stop doing this either ? What had he done to me ? How had he taken possession of my heart and made it stay his despite the monstrosity of what he had done to me, despite that now he simply was no more. It wasn't normal. Maybe Wufei had been feeling the same towards me and it had resulted in... I couldn't make this feeling leave me, though now, I didn't want it anymore ! I knew, I had been keeping it willfully in my heart for all those years, because it had been... something beautiful, rare and seemed to be precious... I hadn't had many things like that in my life... But now, I didn't want it anymore ! What was the point in loving a dead man who hadn't had cared for me anyway, ever, who had used me, had treated me like a thing, when now I had Trowa, and I could have loved him if only my heart wasn't already Heero's. It was only making us both unhappy, me and Tro, and leading to nowhere anyway, giving me nothing but pain. Had I really said before that love isn't something one can just throw out of his heart when it isn't convenient anymore ? Had I meant it ? Could I have excepted that it would have been a sentence for me one day ? Because of that, my life was now leading to nowhere, and I wasn't regretting that I had tried to end it, and maybe I would try again. Could I do this to Tro ? I didn't know all that well what was it he was feeling for me. If I was going to get him stuck in the same situation I was in now... I wouldn't have left him then, knowing he was going to suffer so much, he didn't deserve it for being so good to me... But maybe his love for me was... was able to expire, maybe he could go back to Quatre. The two of them could have been happy together, surely happier than me and Tro. If only I could have known...   
  


I was deep in thoughts and barely conscious with all the medicines they had given me, but I did hear the sound of the door opening and someone getting in and approaching me. Then silence, and stinging in my inner elbow. I strove to open my eyes, but I couldn't focus my vision. So I tried to smile to whoever it was. I knew already that no one I had known. 

" What is it ?" I asked since the person was obviously injecting me something. 

Whoever it was didn't answer for a long while. All I was hearing were a bit frantic breaths. The person was smelling of something sweet... wait, jasmine ? It was a woman, and she had nice perfume, too. 

" Truth's serum." She spoke finally. 

Truth's serum... I knew well enough what it was: kind of a drug, or something similar, making you unable to lie and able to blabber for hours about anything your interlocutor wished you to, tell him all you knew. Not all that perfect, as it was making a person that had it injected susceptible to suggestions in the matter of interpretation of the events, and not too safe, too. It could kill a kid or a person that was weakened or simply had little tolerance to drugs. That was why only military forces dared to use it, not police. I bet that in my case it was a preparation for my interrogation by Preventers. If I wouldn't die of it, it was a good thing. I was innocent and all they could suggest me was that I had been seducing Wufei, that it had been how I had ended in his bedroom in the middle of the night. Still, he shouldn't have reacted the way he had... It wasn't like if I was blaming him, less even like if I was happy with his death. I just knew I hadn't done nothing wrong, but he hadn't either. Maybe they had been just nature and fate that had made who I had been, object of desire I hadn't even wanted to be directed towards me. Desire that had made Wufei, my friend, crazy. That was what I was going to tell them, the truth. Maybe my greatest fault was that I had immense, violet eyes, I liked to look into in the mirror myself, but I bet they couldn't punish me for that...   
  


_Kto temu winien, ¿e piêkna dziewczyna,_   
_ ¯e¶ czu³y ? nie twoja wina._   
_ Patrz, mówi³ dalej robaczek,_   
_ Na iskrê, co ze mnie strzela_   
_ I ca³y obja¶nia krzaczek._   
_ Zrazu szuka³em z niej chluby,_   
_ Teraz widzê, ¿e bêdzie przyczyn± mej zguby_   
_ I zwabi nieprzyjaciela._   
_ Ilu¿ to braci moich z³e jaszczurki spas³y !_   
_ Kl±³em wiêc ozdobê w³asn±,_   
_ Która na mnie ¶mieræ sprowadza,_   
_ Chcê, ¿eby te iskry zgas³y;_   
_ Ale có¿ robiæ ? nie moja w tym w³adza_   
_ I póki ¿yjê, te iskry nie zgasn±.___

_ Tak, póki ¿yjê, te iskry nie zgasn± !_   
  
_ A. Mickiewicz `Dziady czê¶æ IV`_   


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	9. 9

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time). 

A/N: This fic hasn't ended so far and isn't ending any time soon, since I have chapters up to 17 prewritten and that's still not all. 

It's mostly to you, Hellcat ! As for the poem at the end of the previous chapter, yeah, it is in Polish. It suits the mood quite well and I would want to translate it, really, but I'm not that good at translating poetic things (not that I've tried, but I think so), and beside that it's just a part of something way bigger. Anyway, it's about a firefly that was once proud of his light, but seeing his brothers die because of it, being eaten by reptiles, gets to know it will be a cause of his death as well and wants the light to stop shining, but that's impossible, of course. The last words, that repeat twice, mean `As long as I live these sparkles won't go out.` Also, that's only small part of a very long Romantic poem about a man who has gone crazy from unfulfilled love and died from it and his ghost is wandering around missing her and stuff. This firefly was supposed to talk with the hero, and the second time those last words are repeated it is by him (I mean the hero), in the meaning that he won't ever stop loving the woman he loves even if he would wanted to (it is said later so it's more than just my interpretation). So, it suits this fic really well. However, I wasn't inspired by that poem, only when I was reading it I discovered how it's talking about similar things with that fanfic. And well, I'm not that exactly French, I live in Poland and go to school here. 

Give me an award for writing the longest author note in the history of fanfic writing. 

  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part IX**

  


_Trowa's POV:___

I was standing next to the door to the room Duo was in, with my back against the wall. I wondered what they were doing to him, what kind of preparation to interrogation he was put under. They could do many things, he was completely helpless lying there, so weak and tied down to the bed. I should have been there with him now, inside... But I had missed the moment when they had come. Damn... 

The door opened and an young woman stepped out, alone. She was wearing white overall over regular Preventer's uniform. She looked everything, but dangerous. But, if she really would have been she wouldn't have been wearing that uniform. She stopped in front of me and smiled. 

" Trowa Barton, I suppose ?" 

I nodded. 

" Loraine Disuit." 

Her gloved hand shook mine before she continued with sweet smile still present on her face. 

" I need to ask you if you're going to let us interrogate you now, however I think you wouldn't oppose." 

" What about Duo ?" 

" He needs more time to get prepared anyway. Follow me. " She said not waiting for a reply and began walking down the corridor anyway. 

I looked at the door to Duo's room before following her. She stopped at the door at the end of the corridor and stepped closer to me, lowering her voice. 

" I suppose that's not that hard to realize that whole this matter is kind of... delicate for us. We have already asked for secrecy about the way Chang Wufei died, but now I need to ask for more. The man that's going to interrogate you, Preventer's lieutenant, is a Special. There are various reasons for his identity to stay hidden. So... We would be pleased if you wouldn't be telling too many persons about your... meeting here." 

From whole that long diplomatic speech I had gotten to know they were going to get rid of me in case I wouldn't be silent enough. I wondered if they ever knew how hard it could have been for them to hunt me down. But they wouldn't need to, I wasn't one to talk much anyway, especially about someone's secrets. 

She smiled warmly then and motioned for me to come in, so I pushed the door open and slipped inside. 

I was in an office, study or maybe internship, anyway, there was no bed, but a desk and a couch. The other person in the room was sitting in a chair over the desk, turned away from me. Ironic smirk played at the edge of my mouth at the thought of being interrogated by someone sitting with his back to me. It was so much like in a cheap criminal. 

I coughed to get the person's attention and the chair moved slightly, a hand holding a cigarette appearing for a while. Then the chair finally turned and I faced... 

My subconsciousness recognized him faster than my conscious mind, my hands clenching into fists, knuckles turning white as I was taking deep, even breaths assuring myself it simply couldn't be him. But there he was, quite short, young man, with unruly brown hair, slipping over dark blue eyes with intense maniacal expression deep inside them, dressed in khaki uniform soiled with some kind of oil, playing with his cigarette. Heero Yuy, indeed. 

I was ready to snap his neck in half that instant for what he had done to Duo. But it was him that had a gun with himself. 

He was looking at me thoughtfully for a long while before throwing the cigarette away and reaching for a pile of papers lying on the table. 

I sat down in a chair on the opposite side of the desk sure enough he wasn't going to ask me to sit down himself. He produced a pen out of one of the pockets of his uniform and stared at the papers for a while before filling the first blank with my name, going on with things like age and nationality. Then he came back to the blank with the name and looked up at me for the first time. 

" You still use that ?" 

I nodded. How could he have been alive and working as a Preventer if just a few days ago Duo had found in Preventer's archives an information about his death six years ago ? And even if was, why had they sent here him, of all people ? It was a bad choice, both for them and for him, because I was going to kill the bastard. 

He filled another few blanks stopping at one with a heading `Relationship with the victim`. I bet Duo was considered `the victim`. 

" So ?" He asked noticing me staring. 

" We're lovers." 

I didn't quite mean, but it sounded like a challenge. His eyes flickered from the papers to my face, his brows drawing together. 

" You aren't doing him any good with this, Barton. It would be better for him to be considered straight." 

" You've given him truth's serum, isn't it ? He'll tell you just that himself. And beside that, you're not the one here that should worry about him. Or that has a law to worry about him." I spit the words through the clenched teeth. What was he playing at ? Getting me to lie to discredit me as a witness ? 

" Right." He said filling the blank according to what I had said. 

We went then through what had happened that night, what I had heard and seen, ending by comparing my deposition with the one they had gotten from Quatre few weeks earlier. 

Then he gathered all those papers, stood up and headed to the exit, motioning for me to follow. Not so soon. 

I closed the distance between us, grabbing the collar of his shirt, taking him up to my eye level, his eyes widening for a moment but quickly narrowing back. 

" Listen, Yuy, is astonishes me you're even still alive, but not for long, I know what you've done to Duo, and you're going to pay for that, you bastard. I'll kill you." I hissed in his face savoring look of veritable dread that flashed in his eyes for the shortest while. So, he was capable of experiencing fear, after all. 

I threw him down, crushing on the wall. His hand was half-way to the holster, but he let me go, only a hoarse whisper following me. 

" If anything, I'm going to kill you."   


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Heero's back in the story. Am I only one person glad because of that ?   
  
  
  



	10. 10

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part X**

  
  
  


_Duo's POV:_

This thing they... well, she... had given me surely was good, I never thought it would have been like that after truth's serum, but it was... really nice. And I knew something about it, I had been taking drugs back then, on the streets, as almost everyone had had, everyone that had been capable to steal some, that's it. But I had never tried this before. 

I grinned as another wave of happiness rushed through me. What was it supposed to do ? Make you more open, talkative, unable to lie ? Someone like who I had been trying so hard to be for so many years and just as this had begun from a mask to my self, Wufei had had to come and destroy it ? Smash it to pieces ? I was beginning to wonder with what bit of conscious mind I still had where I could get this thing. But was I really going to need it ? I was going to suicide as soon as those cuffs would be taken out of my wrists and ankles, I thought with a widening grin. 

I thought they had given me too much... misjudged my tolerance to drugs, sure, I was a man, but I weighted something like 125 pounds... And now, instead of being perfectly prepared for the interrogation, I was hovering over the line between conscioussness, unconscioussness and dream. I knew where I was, the light from the window was dazzling me again and I had my eyes open, and I was even hearing steps on the corridor, but at the same time, there was a fine amount of dullness in my mind, everything seemed either too big or too little, and like if watched from far away, at the same time. I was hovering, without body, I knew it existed, somewhere, and that I had left it maintaining only a shadow of connection. And I was seeing things, that weren't there, in the hospital room. I knew I was seeing them, but I... couldn't recognize them as what they were, they were just... out of my reach. I knew I was dreaming, but I couldn't get close enough to my own dream to see the images and persons clearly, just shadows, just the knowledge they were there and I wasn't able to come close, to join them. I was striving for the focus, for a chance to see them clearly, but there was a fog between me and my own dream, as there was between me and real world. I was half-conscious in the real world, and in my own dreams, and still aware of both. 

So I heard the door opening and someone coming in, and I took my head up to see who it was, but then my focus on the reality was lost... Connection broken, my soul hovering somewhere, far away from my body, having no control over it anymore and unaware of what was happening to it. All my attention got into one place, to my dream, that had just come in focus... 

I saw Heero... I could except it, he haunted me in my dreams for years, yet somehow... This time he was different from how I normally saw him, he was neither young boy I remembered, nor I had been dreaming of just before my attempt on suicide, he was adult like back then, but totally different. Short, slim, muscled man with unruly brown hair, a bit longer than how he had had it as a boy, dressed in soiled khaki uniform, with a holster all too apparent on his hip, and smoking. And his eyes... His eyes were nothing like in my dreams... in my previous dreams they had been infinetely deep pools of dark ocean blue, intense and cold at the same time, but this time... they were holding so much more within them, more blue, deeper, colder, more intense, and gleaming with determination only he was capable of feeling. Just then I understood they were just more true than ever before. It was like Heero's eyes were looking like in reality, these were eyes I strived to look into just one more time, and my plea was granted. My happiness passed every kind of barriers and I began to cry, savoring every sob it was getting from me... This drug, it really was good, I had to work seriously over stealing some...   


_Heero's POV:___

After I ended fuming nd threw the cigarette away I stuck my hands in pockets, feeling them clenching, along with my jaw. I wasn't supposed to feel like that... Duo, my ex-partner from the war, someone that at some point had gotten the closest to being my friend, before I had hurt him and showed him once and forever how worth of his trust I had really been. He didn't know... That I had saved him back then, that I hadn't killed him despite I had been told to do this. He didn't know, that he had been more important to me than myself, that I had cared more about him than my own self... I wouldn't have, I hadn't hesitated before killing myself. And I couldn't have killed him... 

It had been driving me insane... Feelings were a weakness I shouldn't have had, especially feelings like that, I had known, I knew. He hadn't ever gotten to know what he had been doing to me... After that had happened and every time we had been left alone for some reason he had been curling into tight, small ball, wrapping his arms around his knees drawn up under his chin, his immense, violet eyes wide with fear and hurt. Dammit, I hadn't slept one single night ever after because every single time I had been closing my eyes I had been seeing him like that. I could kill, hurt in every way possible everyone else, including myself, and not to feel remorse at all, everyone, but him. All the same I had terribly hurt him before I had realized that... I had been striving to touch him, he had denied me all contact just as I had begun to crave for it. I had lost him, forever, only after I had had him for the shortest moment, when I had been kissing him, I had had him as my own, and after I had realized what I had exactly had, and had been losing. No one would have ever been capable to forgive himself after, no one... 

Not so long time ago, when we had gotten an information about Wufei's death and how exactly he had died, I had begun to wonder over why so many men wanted Duo, and why that much ? How could anyone cause people to go crazy with the desire to have him ? I thought I had understood. He was beautiful and had that look of fragility, but that was just a small part. What was way more important was that he was... strong, unbelievably mentally strong, close to unbeatable, I could say that now when I had gotten to know everything about his past for the sake of investigation. He had lived through so much more than me, had suffered things which single one taken from between would have broken any ordinary man, and managed to get through this seeming like if nothing bad had ever happened to him, still able to eat, sleep, have fun and laugh. If even this had been just a mask he was unbelievably strong to keep it together and in place. It was from where all the attraction to all of them was coming from. They didn't truly want him, his chatter, his grin, his nightmares, his mental wounds, they wanted his strenght. To dominate it to show themselves they could have power over someone so strong, or to snatch it from him, what Wufei had done, according to Trowa, quite successfully. I didn't believe him, Duo was going to recover and put his mask back together soon enough, no matter what was happening to him under it, inside him. I had seen him vulnerable, looking at me with eyes full of pain and fear, all his guards down, and only then I had truly realized how strong he really was, how much stronger than anyone had considered him, to wear that kind of mask over the kind of things he had inside him. Me and Wufei, we had added just two more nightmares he had to live through, but I knew it wasn't enough to break him, nothing was... That was why I admired him, I bet. And I did care about him, because I didn't want him to be hurt anymore, I wanted him to finally have a chance to recover fully, which he was able of doing if only he would have had more time... 

I was stupid, and I was weak, feeling things like that at all. I had been ever more stupid deciding to come to see him again... What did I exactly want ? He had loved me once, before that, I had known, of course. The point of the mission had been that he had loved me, else he wouldn't have trusted me enough to let me control him. I had destroyed his feelings for me, years ago, unless they had been as strong as all of him... 

I shouldn't have thought like that, better just to interrogate him and leave him there... In fact, I didn't really need to interrogate him, I had all reports done, one with his deposition as well. I had just put it all together so they wouldn't have been any chance for anyone to blame him. I could as well as leave now. But I couldn't, I was drawn to him. Looking up at me with immense, violet eyes, dumb and empty, but none the less beautiful, crying and grinning at the same time. What had gotten him so happy about my arrival ? Had he ever noticed me at all ? It seemed they had just given him too much of the drug and he was seeing things. No way to interrogate him anyway, even if I would have wanted to. I hadn't more time to waste on this interrogation, I should leave, now. Why couldn't I ? I cursed under my breath and forced myself to move towards the door, still not even turning away from him, but then I was stopped by his voice whispering something, angelic expression appearing on his face, his cheeks flushed and damp. 

" Kimi o ai shiteru, Heero..." 

Since when had he talked Japanese ? And... if someone was telling something after getting trutht's serum, you could be sure one thing, he was telling the truth... His love for me was as strong as all of him... I didn't deserve it, not being the man I was and having done what I had. I didn't want to hear more. I left, closing the door silently after me, not wanting to disturb him. Maybe he was asleep ? Just talking in his dreams... Even if he had seen me, he was going to think of that as a dream, as he had been half-conscious and simply had known I couldn't have been there. Trowa has said they had both thought I was dead. Good, it would be better that way...   


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
  



	11. 11

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XI**

  
  
  
  


Trowa was standing on the corridor, with his back resting against the wall opposite to the door I had just closed behind me, leaving drugged Duo alone in there. I looked up and eyed him, scowling. He was furious, in his own, silent way. He had every law to be, I had raped his lover. He didn't seem to know much more, details of the event had to be his imagination and according to its image of me he was probably wondering if I hadn't tried anything with Duo right now. My eyes moved down his bdoy, searching for weapons. Two guns without holsters, just put in the pockets of his pants and a knife, it seemed. I wondered if his little friend from the circus had taught him throwing knifes and if he really planned on making it sink into my throat. He knew well enough that neither I was an easy prey, nor the Preventers were going to leave him in peace if he would have killed me. If he was going to try to get me despite that I really shouldn't have been coming here. Duo already, or rather finally, had someone to love him and protect him. Not that I had come hoping I could have been that person for him... I just... When we had first gotten to know that Wufei had raped Duo and suicided on ex - Gundam pilots reunion, someone else had been chosen to investigate in the matter, but I had ignored the orders, something I was doing only when it came to Duo, it seemed, and had broken into Wufei's office and then his appartement, both secured to preserve everything for the sake of the investigation. I had found there what I had been excepting and at the same time fearing to find. Countless photos of Duo, from the war or their reunions at Quatre's, strands of his hair, and a lot of drawings, all presenting him either crying or dying bloody death. And I hadn't noticed that at all... After my mentors had gotten to know I had been so interested in the whole matter of Wufei's death they had ordered me to continue with the investigation, so I had, getting a deposition from Quatre and then coming for Trowa and Duo, finally finding them here, after we had gotten an information about Duo's attempt on suicide. The problem with finding them at all had been that I couldn't have been sure they had been together at all and the circus itself had been constantly moving in unpredictable directions.   
Duo had tried to suicide... Why ? This was a question I had wanted to ask him having him on truth's serum but I had understood I couldn't. I couldn't let him know at all I had been here, alive. 

Absently, I reached to the holster to check if the gun was there, all ready to use, just in case, then headed into my temporary office when I had all my things, took them from there, all put nicely in a bag and came back out few minutes later only to find Trowa standing in front of the door again. My heart began beating faster, but I didn't let it to be obvious, keeping my breathing from becoming frantic. We eyed each other like hunting wild beasts before I went out of the building and headed to my car. I left my belongings inside, by the time Trowa had come and approached, stopping about hundred steps from me. Perfect distance to shoot at... I took my Preventer's badge off and left it on the passanger's seat. This wasn't a matter of duty... Then I slammed the car's door shut and stood straight opposite Trowa. I shouldn't have come here in the first place, but now, when I was already here, I had no other choice but to face him and trust my reflexes... In such circumstances, I shouldn't have gotten shut by any ordinary man, a Gundam pilot had to have inhuman reflexes. The point was, we were both Gundam pilots. I could still count on my luck. I smirked. For a long time, I hadn't faced that kind of advantage... and someone who has gotten used to be pushed to his limits and to pass them every day, craves for advantage ever after.   


He was faster...   


The thought came with the agonizing pain radiating from my left shoulder. I looked down my arm, only then registering the sound from a second earlier - click of the safety, shot, my own hiss and sound of the shattering glass. The gun had been pointed straight in my heart, but I had moved off the way, so that the bullet had come through my left shoulder and into the car's door's window, shattering the glass, stained in my blood. I had tried to get him in the head, but I had missed, too, the bullet not even brushing him. 

He took the gun up for another shot, but before firing threw it out of his hand, or rather, it was thrown out. We both turned to see Quatre, his fair hair glowing in the sunlight, his blue eyes hollow and wearing a pained expression which made something in my heart sting. He shouted something I didn't register through the sound of blood pumping in my veins filling my ears, and rushed to my side, his eyes widening in horror as he looked at my arm, ready to wrap his arms around me. I shoved him away, got into the car and started the engine, blocking the door before he began to try to open them, screaming that I couldn't drive in my conditions. I didn't pay attention to him, driving away before Trowa got to shot the car's tyres through. I had to come away from there, back to my new life I had started after the war, life that was way easier just because Duo wasn't part of it anymore...   


_Trowa's POV:_   
__ __

After Heero's car disappeared in the distance, followed by Quatre's compassionate eyes, he rushed to my side instead, looking me over for injuries and taking the gun away from me. His eyes were sparkling, he was angry at us for fighting with each other. What could he know about it to judge me ? 

" Tell me, Trowa, what's going on here ?! Why are you all hurting each other so much ? Something is so much not right here..." 

" How can you know that ?" I growled at him, before I managed to restrain myself. Like if I didn't know that being dry for him was killing him inside. 

" I don't know, I feel." He whispered, staring up at me with half-saddened, half-frightened expression. 

What was he doing here anyway ? If not him, I would have had my revenge on Heero already... 

" We need to talk, Trowa." He said, grabbing my hand in his, smaller and way more delicate. " All of us, since Heero left, at least the two of us and Duo." 

" He's on truth serum. We can't talk with him now." I opposed, at the same time letting him drag me back into the builiding. 

" He may not be himself, but he won't lie, that's for sure. And that's what we need, sincerity." He said softly, stopping in the hallway since he didn't know where Duo's room was. 

I wasn't all that sure if I really should let him see Duo right now, lying there, weak and miserable, tied down to the bed. Quatre was most likely going to break down into tears and I hated nothing more than looking into his deep blue eyes, clear and innocent, filled with tears. I would have given life for saving him one minute of suffering he was surely put under feeling our emotions. We were all messed up and we were experiencing things that shouldn't be felt by someone so sensitive as him. 

He let me go and followed me upstairs to Duo's room and inside it, his eyes widening indeed when he noticed Duo was tied down to the bed and pale as white sheets surrounding him. His violet eyes shot open when he heard us coming in, angelic smile lightening his face up but fading immediately. 

" Heero ?" He whispered. 

" He left." I said cooly. 

Quatre casted a glance up at me hearing the coldness in my voice. I should have told him first what that bastard had done to Duo, then he wouldn't have been trying to defend him. 

" Left ? Why ? I saw him in my dream, you know, Tro... But he didn't even kiss me..." Duo whined sadly. 

" He won't ever again." 

Violet eyes blinked. 

" I want my Heero back." 

Quatre rushed to Duo's side and began to work on untieing him from the bed, looking at him at the same time. 

" You were together with Heero ?" 

For the first time ever I felt ready to smack Quatre up his blonde head for being so stupid. He knew nothing about what Duo was talking about, what had he meant under the term `kissing`. 

" No..." Duo litterally wailed. 

By the time Quatre had freed both his arms and Duo sat up unsteadily and threw his arms around him. 

" It's so good you're here, Q-man..." He mumbled in his shoulder, Quatre returning the hug. 

" Heero won't hurt you ever again." I said softly. 

" I know that." Said Duo with complete sureness sounding in his voice and reflecting in his immense eyes, looking up at me over Quatre's shoulder. 

" They told him to... He wouldn't have done it from his own will... like Wufei... It wasn't their fault... and I love him... he wouldn't have done it again to someone who loves him so much, would he ? I told him I loved him today, when he was in my dream..." He blabbered. 

Quatre rubbed his head to soothe him a bit. I could not understand him. 

" Heero was your boyfriend before ?" Asked Quatre again. 

" No. They've destroyed everything. But I want him to be. Quatre, does he love me back ?" 

" Did he tell you so ?" 

" No... Not really..." 

" You aren't unimportant for him." 

" Quatre, we need to talk." I snapped him. 

" Of course. Later." 

" Not later. Now." I said grabbing his arm and pulling him away from Duo, whimpering at the loss of contact, and out of the room. 

There was hurt in his eyes when he looked up at me. 

" Why ?" He asked softly. 

" You don't know what he's talking about." 

" I know. He loves him. He tried to suicide because he got to know Heero was dead." 

" No." I shook my head. " Heero raped him during the war, maybe more than once." 

Quatre's eyes widened, but after a while he shook his head. 

" That doesn't change anything. He loves him." 

" You know nothing about it, how can you know what he feels ? You were never through this yourself, so you can't know, but I can tell that no one, no one is capable of loving his rapist." I told, before setting off down the corridor. 

It seemed no one beside me was really understanding Duo...   


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Merry Christmas, Dear readers !   
  



	12. 12

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XII**

  
  
  
  


_Quatre's POV:_   


They were bunch of egoists, each one thinking he knew the best what to do to make things between them better without consulting with anyone. The result to this were all of them getting hurt, nothing more. They were all suffering, especially Duo. His suffering reached the deepest it possibly could if he had tried to kill himself. Kind of things I could feel him experiencing made the depths of his pain obvious for me and so I pitied him so much. I had to help him and it seemed the only way to do this was to get Heero to come back to him, or rather finally get the two of them together, despite what Trowa had said had happened in the past, and yes, convince Trowa to this, so he would stop hunting Heero and playing Duo's watchdog that had maybe helped him at some point but now was only making things worse. Not an easy task. I couldn't even know how was Duo in reality, I hadn't seen him yet not drugged, normal, and how could he react indeed at finally having his beloved Heero back. So he had raped him, but as Duo had said, he had been told to... why ?... I was lost in whole that matter... Anyway, I had gotten to know from where had been coming the sudden coldness between Heero and Duo which had started at some point during the war and had continued ever since. Poor Duo... So it had happened twice already, and it seemed he felt used by Trowa... How could he have stood it all ? He was so strong... 

I wondered then where Trowa had gone after the incident in Duo's room, back to the circus ? Was it even still here ? Or maybe to a hotel or something ? I couldn't know... And Heero ? I needed to get him to come back, but I couldn't know either where had he gone, how to contact him and, what was the most terrifying, I had the knowledge I could never get to know. He was kind of a Special in Preventer's units if he was officially considered dead, from the informations I had managed to get he was assigned to the actions that had already resulted in a Preventer's death. I had to find him now, because then it could have been too late to find him at all... He had to be still in the city in his car, somewhere on the streets or in a garage, getting replaced the broken window. But how could I find him among thousands of cars on the streets in a reasonable amount of time, alone ? No way... However, I had to figure something out fast. Think... I rubbed my temple trying to force my brain to come out with something wise... Damn, my friend's life was falling apart and I was sitting here, unable to stop it. But, how could I find Heero ? How ?! It was physically impossible...   


_Heero's POV:_   


I was driving down a crowded avenue trying desperately to get to the airport. I had nothing to do here anymore so I had reserved a place in the plane back to the city where my apartment, most the time empty and inhabited, and Preventers' main offices were. It was leaving in an hour and I was afraid I could not get there in time considering the amount of cars on the streets leading out of the city. Why had it to be Friday today ? 

I lay my head down on the steering wheel, breathing deeply through the clenched teeth, with a silent hiss. My shot through shoulder hurt as hell and the blood was soaking through the shirt under the uniform, slowly beginning to paint it crimson as well. I shook my head to get rid of the haze that was fuzing my vision. I couldn't have lost that much of blood... I looked through the shattered window at the opposite direction avenue, leading back to the city's center, empty, a car or a bus passing by occasionally. The road leading back to the city, to the hospital, to Duo... `Kimi o ai shiteru, Heero...` I heard his faint whisper in my ears again. He had told he loved me, on truth's serum, he had meant it. Kami, he had meant it ! He had learned how to tell it in Japanese to say it to me one day and now I was taking his, our, only chance away. I had raped him and for a moment in the past I had been ready to kill him... I didn't deserve him anymore... but if he wanted me himself, despite that, could I go away like if nothing had happened, hurt him again ? I believed one should follow his feelings, act like his heart was telling him to, else he would suffer, terribly suffer. I knew it, after what I had been through after raping Duo despite that I never wanted this myself. And now, I did know too what my heart wanted... 

I turned the van around in one place, traversed the lawn separating two avenues and continued with the one back to the city, accelerating viciously and using all the engine's power... 

For normal people it could seem I was driving like a madman, but I had perfect control over the car, probably better than them over theirs. Once one had piloted a mobile suit driving a van at 120 mph wasn't that difficult nor scary to perform. I needed to come back to Duo and be back at the airport in an hour, anyway, I couldn't miss that airplane. I didn't know precisely what I wanted to do, but I didn't need to, I was trusting my heart, no thinking required. Blood was spilling down my injured arm and onto the upholstery. Not the first nor the last bloodstain on it. I wasn't going to sell that car ever, even if I would want to, who would have bought a car wearing so many signs left by past combats... Indeed, lacking a mobile suit, it was kind of replacement for me and I wasn't going easy on it. Right now, I needed to replace that shattered window, unless I wanted to get soaked every time it rained. About the wind filling the cabin I could care less. 

I stopped in front of the hospital after a graceful swirl and jumped off, leaving all doors open. Anyone who would have wanted to steal the van could do this well enough through the broken window. And I had more important things on my mind. 

I ran inside the hospital and upstairs, ignoring the shouts of the receptionist. I was feeling weird, light-headed, all around me spinning in vicious motion... I convinced myself once again I hadn't lost that much blood. All seemed like a dream, unreal and untouchable. I needed to move rather than dwell on it ! I remembered which door led to Duo's room and found it without problems, opened them and stormed inside, stopping in the doorway when I realized I wasn't alone with Duo there. Quatre was sitting on the edge of the bed on his side, holding his hand and crying. I scowled. Men shouldn't cry... He had to hear my frantic breathing because he turned around to face me, reaching his arm to wipe the tears in the sleeve of his white shirt. 

" He... Heero ?" 

He was looking like if he saw a ghost. Did he really consider Trowa that good shot as to kill me with this shot to my arm ? 

" Trowa left." He informed me softly. 

I nodded and approached, shaking my head to clear my thoughts before I spoke. I hadn't slept a minute ever since I had hurt Duo so badly, maybe it was having its effects on me. Why now ? 

" What are you..." 

Quatre didn't let me to end the phrase, shoving himself frantically at me and grasping my hand, the one not injured. 

" Heero... It's so good you're back, you shouldn't leave Duo anymore. You can't make yourselves suffer like that, any longer ! Please... He loves you, I'm giving you my word for that. And he tried to suicide because he thought he had lost you. He will die if you'll leave him alone ! Please, Heero..." 

What he was blabbering didn't make much sense, and was he a seer to know all of this ? But I didn't need his help, I knew well enough what to do myself, as for now. Doubts would come later, then I would worry, now I was on a mission. I didn't say anything to Quatre, I had nothing to, I looked down at Duo, he was asleep, or rather, in the state of the drug-induced unconsciousness, considering the pace of his breaths. 

" You'll take care of the stuff." I muttered to Quatre taking Duo in my arms. 

" It's better that way. Duo hasn't have nowhere to go ever since he left university." Whispered Quatre, like if trying to convince himself. 

Duo was impossibly light for a man his height, but he should be, he was meager and terribly pale... Weeks in hospital after Wufei, then few more after an attempt on suicide, what was visible of him from under the hospital gown was terribly scarred, as he was put back together from bloody pieces... I had read a report on this, memorizing every bone Wufei had broken in him, because I simply couldn't have not to. His hair was cut down but it hadn't changed him as much as I had thought it would. He was still beautiful and seemed only even more fragile... Still, he could have every man he wanted, if only he would have wanted anyone at all, while I bet everything he craved for was to be left in peace... eternal peace... 

" He has something with himself ?" I addressed Quatre. 

" At Trowa's. I'll get it from him and send after you. Phone me when you get there so I'll know the address." 

" Any clothing ?" 

Quatre handed me a pile of black clothes. Duo was still wearing black and I bet it was still a mourning dress. Then I left, ignoring the stuff. Quatre was going to take care of all of this. Not a nice task, but he had volunteered... had he ? 

I put Duo in the passenger's seat of my van and drove away, back on the avenue, seeing in side-mirror that the hospital stuff gave up on following us, not even trying to catch us up with a car. Good... I drove upstream back in the direction of the airport, buses turning viciously to get out of my way. Being a Preventer, I shouldn't have been things like that, but I needed to hurry. I was on a mission, nothing else mattered than getting me and Duo to my home, then I would worry and care, as much as my heart could... I cast a glance at my unconscious companion, his head lowered on his chest and bumping with the moves of the car. He was making it all worth it. I had been dreaming of getting him back for so long, dreaming awake, because I couldn't have fallen asleep ever since I had hurt him worse than anyone before me and anyone else until Wufei... I loved the baka so much... He was turning people crazy not even thinking about it nor knowing what he was doing, he had done it to me, all those years ago... And now I loved him, but I had that luck that he was supposed to love me back...   


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	13. 13

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XIII**

  
  
  


_Duo's POV:_   


I woke up to the throbbing pain in my head. I shook it to get lost of it and slowly sat up blinking my eyes open. Wave of nausea hit me and clutched my stomach. Only after a while that stopped. Then I looked up and around the room, sitting straight. I wasn't in the hospital anymore, I looked down at my bruised wrists, though, the hospital had happened. I looked all around the room again. I was sitting in the middle of a king-size bed, wrapped in numerous sheets. The chamber was light and neatly furnished, without excessive comfort. All in here was either white, shade of gray, black or ebony wood, intense blue of the sky visible through the window was like a jewelry surrounded by this monotone. Where was I ? At Quatre's ? No, it couldn't be a chamber in one of his estates, it lacked any luxury. So where ? The bedroom was spacious, beside the bed had a wardrobe and a desk in the corner, occupied by a computer and piles of papers, there was also a laptop lying on the night table, beside a photo frame turned face down and a chair where I recognized my black clothes lying. I reached for the little frame and turned it and saw... myself, from some time during the war, before Heero had hurt me, dressed in an uniform of one of the many schools we had attended to. Who would have kept my photo on the night table, surely not Quatre nor Trowa, so who ? No one... At the moment I considered it all a dream. I sighed, suddenly feeling very tired and lay back down, inhaling deeply the faintest scent... The sheets smelled of something, someone... a familiar scent, familiar, intoxicating and beautiful... But I didn't know what it was... 

I had almost fallen asleep, trying to figure out what that scent was when I was took out of my musings by the sound of the door clicking open. I didn't find enough strength in me to open my eyes again then, I didn't care anyway, it was all a dream, in the reality I had to be still in that damned hospital. I heard footsteps approaching me, cat-like steps, tapping of the bare feet on the carpet. I thought it was coming close but it turned at some point and after a while I heard the sound of the computer being turned on. Curious, I cracked one eye open only to face all too familiar sight of Heero's back, while he was working on the computer. Heero... I was dreaming of him again. But at least in my dreams he could have paid more attention to me. I yawned lazily before forcing myself to sit back up, the bed crackling under me which got his attention, he half-turned to me, shadow of a startled and uncertain expression passing over his features, quickly getting immobile and emotionless. 

" Hi !" I said smiling weakly. 

It hadn't sounded as cheerful as I had intended it to. I couldn't be cheerful anymore, even in my dreams, that part of me was broken. 

He turned to me fully. 

" Duo, you need to know..." 

" Well... What ?" I asked stretching and lying back down, trying to relax. 

He did a double-take. I couldn't help I was looking hot stretched out like that. But hey, it was my dream, in my dreams it was my Heero and I had a law to flirt with him. 

" Listen. I took you out of the hospital because we've decided with Quatre it would be better for you to be out of there and apart from Trowa. Beside that, he told me you hadn't nowhere to go after ending university. You can stay here as long as you wish, however I won't stop you if you'll decide to leave..." 

What was he blabbering about ? Since when was he blabbering at all ? 

" Heero, what's the matter ? It was supposed to be a fucked dream !" I whined, losing my grip on the reality all together. 

I didn't know anymore what was a dream and what wasn't, what I knew was that I wouldn't have dreamed of Heero wasting our time together on beginning to speak to me all of a sudden. I was being bitter, sorry... 

" That information you've gotten about my death was false, I work for Preventers, I was assigned to investigate in the matter of Wufei's suicide. That's how we met for the first time, then, when you were on truth's serum..." 

Then, when I had told him I loved him... My eyes widened in horror... What was he thinking of me now ? I looked frantically around... I was in Heero's bedroom, in his king-size bed, smelling of nothing else but him, dressed only in my boxers... and he was sitting at the desk dressed in night clothes as well. Maybe him and Quatre had thought that telling him I loved him being high on drugs I had meant I wanted to end up his whore again ?! 

I had to flee... My God, I needed to get out of there and away from him... Instinctively, I curled in a small ball, wrapping my arms tightly around my knees, put under my chin. God, no, please... I wasn't going to stand it, paying him for being good to me with my body, like I had been doing with Trowa. That was other thing, Trowa hadn't ever hurt me and I didn't love him ! My love for Heero wasn't something to be mixed with dirt which was that kind of relationship I was sure he was proposing. Why else I would have been in his bed now... God, please, have mercy over me that one time... Not him, not again... 

I was breathing frantically, almost hyperventilating, my eyes stinging with unshed tears... Fuck, I was crazy, he didn't want to do nothing bad to me, I was just a damned freak, thinking everyone wanted nothing but to hurt me, use me, rape me... But how could I have not gotten convinced about it after three from my closest friends had done just that to me ? None of them really responsible for what they had done... It was neither their nor mine fault, it was my fate, it was that God didn't have even a bit of mercy over me, making my life hell like if I had really deserved it... But I didn't feel guilty, maybe I was a killer of thousands, but a savior of billions... 

Heero stood up... God, no... I moved to the edge of the bed the farest away from him, still approaching. Please, no... He didn't stop, still progressing, my pleading look hadn't stopped him... Please... No... I wasn't going to stand anymore of this... 

" I'll be sleeping on the couch in the living room. If you'll need something, shout. I should hear you." He said, doing his best to smile warmly down at me. It had to be hard for him... 

He wasn't used to smile, at least, not the Heero I knew from six years earlier. And having to deal with me, fearing him so much while he was trying to be good to me... I forced myself to smile back up at him. 

" You need something right now ?" 

" Painkiller ?" 

" Sure." He nodded and went out only to be back in a while with a glass of water and a pill. 

I hesitated before taking it from him, he sighed and put it on the night table so I could take it from there. I was sorry, really. I did understand that what he had done to me all those years ago had been one more of his missions, that it hadn't been his idea nor want, what I couldn't have forgiven him was only that he hadn't told them no, even when they had told him to kill me. But yet again, why would he have ? What was I for him or what I had been for him to give a fuck about me ? Whole that thing between us was my dream... But then, why was he taking care of me now ? We needed to talk... There was always too much silence between the two of us, too much unspoken words, because I had been talking constantly, but about nothing, he hadn't talked at all. It had made me think of the dream I had had just before my attempt on suicide, the dream that had gotten me thinking seriously about killing myself because I had thought it would have never come true... 

" So, I'm leaving now." He said before taking the glass back from the night table and heading to the door. 

I stopped him. 

" No, stay." 

He seemed astonished at my demand, but came back close to my bed anyway. 

" What ?" There was a bit of annoyance in his voice... That I had stopped because of something unimportant ? We were already coming back to our old ways... 

" I can't stay here until you answer few my questions, I'm sorry but unless... I don't feel... safe here..." I whispered, getting weird, gentle look from him. 

He cared about me, he really did... at least it seemed so, once in a while... 

" Anyway, you won't get any plane back till morning." He said matter-of-factly. 

" Heero... I may still call you that ?" 

He moved his shoulders in manner telling me to do how I wished. 

" How that happened that I've survived Vilnius ? I mean, that cable... Connections in Gundams don't fail under normal circumstances, it didn't happen, not even once again during the rest of the war..." 

" I disconnected these cables." He said as matter-of-factly. 

" Why ?" 

" Because you had done nothing to have deserved death." 

" It didn't stop you, us, from killing few thousands of OZ soldiers..." 

" Maybe you were more important to me than any OZ soldier." 

Maybe... I couldn't even be sure he was telling me the truth, maybe this they had decided with Quatre, too ? Maybe they had enough plans for the last of my life as well ?  
  
" Why do you want to take care of me ? I thought you considered me a pain in the ass or a good lay, at the least..." 

I was being bitter again... I regretted it immediately noticing hurt expression in these Prussian blue eyes that had been hunting my dreams continuously for so many years. I wanted for a while to come close to him and hug him and tell him I loved him and never wanted to hurt him... 

He took two deep calming breaths... He did care, more than I thought he had or did... 

" Heero, it is all you've ever told about me, either to myself or others..." 

" I thought you weren't that stupid as to actually believe it." He said, heading to the door. 

I had been trying not to believe it... I still tried... 

" I love you." I said, in the sudden rush of bravery, making it sound like a challenge. 

He turned back to me in the doorway to cast one last glance at me, full of emotion, holding too much appreciation for my liking... I remembered that look from just before he had raped me... 

God, what had I done ? Told him again that I loved him, flirted with him, I was getting this on myself this time, if he would hurt me again it would be my fault, mine, no one else's, no way to blame the fate... not anymore... I was asking for this to happen this time... 

He cared, he wouldn't have... but maybe he would stop only after, again, but before killing me, leaving me to live my screwed up life for longer after destroying what amount of sanity I still had at the moment, but wasn't going to get through another rape... God, please, let him forget me, and me forget him, my life would have been so much easier, and maybe even I would have been able to put all back together after Wufei, instead of getting involved in another wrong relationship, despite that Quatre thought it was good for me, my perfectly blonde rescuer... I was being bitter, fuck. I was really screwed up, but I couldn't stop... Something in me was broken, shattered and destroyed, and I was going to stay this way, forever, or get worse if I would suffer again, if Heero would come in here later that night and inflict more pain on me... God, please, how much more pain one can take ? Let me live through that one night, peacefully, let me sleep through it without nightmares and Heero coming to get me... please... just that one night... Then I would live maybe not happy, but at least sane man, having at least the shreds of sanity I had as far... 

Please... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
  
  



	14. 14

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XIV**

  
  
  
  


God wasn't that merciful for me. I woke up in the middle of the night, panting and sweating, crying and sobbing, woken up from a nightmare, which bloody shreds were just slipping out of the reach of my awareness. I was sitting in the darkness, my chest heaving in short, frantic breaths, eyes sore from crying, maybe for hours... 

I heard the door clicking open, the light was turned on... My screams had had to wake Heero up... I wondered what had I screamed, it seemed for me I had been dreaming of Wufei, that was where whole the blood had been coming from... Indeed, I hadn't seen that much of blood ever before he had hurt me and I had seen thick rivulets of blood, my own, flowing down my body, broken like a doll... I shuddered remembering my nightmare and that night. 

Heero approached and sat just on the edge of the bed. I backed away, like I always did around him. 

" I had bad dream, but it's ok now." I said, since he didn't speak, just was looking at me with these appallingly intense blue eyes. 

" You were dreaming of me or Wufei ?" 

I shuddered. 

" I don't really know. All I remember from my nightmares then is a lot of blood." 

" You were praying. You were screaming for God to stop _him_, and to give you some peace." 

" Peace is what I need. As for now every time I thought I was happy someone was coming to destroy it before it was enough to heal my previous mental wounds... It took Him a lot, but he has destroyed me in the end, I just... don't know what I had done to deserve it... I'm talking stupidities, as always. I'm sorry, Heero." 

" I've told you I had been the one to disconnect the self-destruction unit in your Gundam. You believe me ?" 

I nodded. I didn't see the point of this question. But yes, he had done great job, it had saved my life, twice, first time in Vilnius, second when I had tried to self-destruct in space just before OZ had caught me. 

He opened his mouth to continue, but I stopped him, I thought I knew what he wanted to tell. 

" Heero, I know it was a mission and I know you don't refuse these. I don't blame you, none of you... it's been only His fault, and mine." 

" Yours ?" 

" It's my fault that I turn people on." I said, stretching unconsciously before I caught myself doing this. 

I realized that Heero had had hard time keeping his eyes off me again. It sickened me. 

" I talked about Wufei, of course." I added. 

" Why do you think you don't turn me on ?" He asked. 

I looked down, at the sheets, letting my bangs cover my eyes. I didn't want him to be able to see the expression in them. Terrible fear... I feared. Even if he didn't mean to do nothing bad to me this time, I could not stand that kind of reaction on his part. Didn't he understand one's trust could be betrayed like he had done with mine only once ? 

" Duo, do you even know what you do to me ?" He whispered, getting closer. 

My heart began racing. Once before, he had been coming close too, very close, and I had regretted it then... 

" You've let me touch you few times after, remember when I got you out of the OZ prison ? Nothing bad happened to you then." He said softly just to my ear before putting an arm around my shoulders. 

I shivered and tried to back away, but he wrapped second arm around my stomach from behind me and held me, not letting me. I blushed furiously, still catching deep, frantic breaths. Now, how were we looking ? My back was pressed to his chest, his arm encircling my stomach and rubbing it lightly. He had no clue what he was doing to me, what kind of torment this was, even if he didn't mean to do more. 

Yet, silent moan passed my lips and I leaned more into his warmth. I was crazy, really. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. If I should pull out and flee or let him hold me like that forever. 

" Ever since I first saw you, I've wanted to protect you and take care of you and that mission... My conscience doesn't hunt me because of what I did in the war, I believe we were right, but I haven't slept a single night, a single minute after the war, or rather, after I've... raped you... Every time I try I see hurt violet eyes, full of fear, your eyes. It isn't a vision one can stand." 

" So how... how you're even still alive ?" 

" Cigarettes, coffee and speed. I lose consciousness every few days for few hours, but this isn't a sleep. Maybe I can sleep only with you in my arms." 

Heero Yuy, whispering things like that to my ear. But once before, he had even told me he had loved me. What he had just said, it was an offer, wasn't it ? Fairy deal, he wanted something in return for taking care of me and giving me a place to stay, one could not have something not paying for that... He was just like Trowa, but I could not blame neither of them, this was just the way things were. Obviously, no one was able to keep his hands off me having me in his bedroom. But I did not want it with Heero, I loved him, I didn't want him to be coming close, because I just knew it would only hurt us both. 

" Leave me alone." I said, trying to unwrap his arms from around me. I didn't manage, he just tightened the hold. 

" Leave you alone to do what ? Go crazy ? Kill yourself ? And I'm supposed to do the same ? Quatre's been right, we hurt each other." 

" You'll hurt me even more forcing me into something !" I cried. 

I wanted him to let me go. His body against mine burned. God, I wanted him, how I wanted him, every my struggle against his hold causing maddening friction, I was biting my lips to suppress the moans involuntarily leapt out of my throat. I wanted my rapist, I really was a damned freak. 

" Leave me alone..." My desperate cry changed into silent moan in the end, as his hand brushed lower part of my stomach. 

" Are you really sure you want it ? I can disappear from your life, you can never see me again, if this is what you want." 

Never look into beautiful Prussian blue eyes again... Sudden tightness in my chest reminded me of the heartache I had been suffering only recently because of this thought, it had been impossible to stand and I had ended up deciding it would have been better to kill myself... I didn't want him to disappear again. 

" N... No..." 

I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I was sorry, Heero. I stopped struggling. I gave up to him. He could do what he wished with me. I couldn't help, I loved him and my body wanted him. If he would use it and hurt me again I would lose my hold on reality, I knew that, but I stopped myself from praying to God for Heero to understand me and take things slowly. God had failed my trust too many times for me to believe him being good and merciful, if only for that night. I needed to go to a church. There were so many and so beautiful on Earth and I hadn't visited any of them ever since I had gotten earthside. Tomorrow morning, I needed to ask Heero to take me to one. 

I thought he sensed I had given up to him. He embraced me more tightly, kissing my neck passionately. He had just gotten me, whom so many wanted, I just hoped my submission was making him happy, at least him. I felt cold inside, cold and empty, no fear anymore, but no passion either. I was a breathing doll, I felt like one. I was a whore, once again paying with my body for people to be good to me. Maybe it was just my fate... It wasn't like if I hadn't been doing this before Heero and Trowa, years earlier, when Solo had been dying, I had been getting good things for him to eat and water to wash him sucking on Alliance officer's dick. 

Heero left my neck in peace only as he realized I was shaking with repressed cries, two single tears rolling down my cheeks. 

" Hold on, Duo." He whispered. He was wishing me luck in my internal battle, I guessed. " Can I stay here ?" He asked. Funny, he was asking me if he could stay in his own bed. 

" Can I ?" I asked back. 

" Yes." He said before lying down and pulling me down with himself, wrapping both his arms tightly around me. 

Then I was lying awake for what seemed like hours, while he had fallen asleep, really asleep, curling myself close to his warmth and burying my face in his shoulder to muffle my sobs. I wanted to cry again, over what we could have been... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
  
  



	15. 15

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XV**

  
  
  
  
  


I woke up to the warmth, overwhelming warmth, surrounding me and filling me inside. It felt good, heavenly. I buried my nose deeper in his shoulder, not caring whom he was. Trowa ? No... Trowa wasn't warm, not in that way, I felt safe beside him, in his arms, but never like if I was in heaven, I bet that sensation was reserved for Quatre. So who ? Who could hold me like if I was the most precious thing in the world, his arms wrapped firmly and tightly around my lower body while I was lying flat down on his chest, my hand slipping under his shirt half-consciously. He smelled like Heero... I had to be dreaming again... I had had such a weird dream about him before, maybe it just continued... I didn't want to find out, I wanted to stay like that... I pressed myself even closer to him and went back to sleep...   
  


The second time I was woken up by the sounds of making a meal coming from the kitchen that had to be nearby. I blinked my eyes open. I was lying in a huge, warm bed, relaxed and in peace with myself, something I hadn't been for a long time, spending my time on thinking how wrong had been what I had had with Trowa and waking up in his embrace with bloody visions just disappearing from before my eyes, knowing I hadn't belonged there. Here I felt right. 

I sat up, running a hand through my messed up hair. I needed to grow it long again, I missed my braid. Talking about missing... My eyes flickered to the crucifix on my chest, made of black Gundamium alloy. At least they hadn't taken this from me. I sighed, falling down on the pillows. So I was as Heero's, it seemed. If all of this wasn't a dream, of course. 

I looked at the door hearing him coming in. He leaned on the doorframe and was looking at me with kind of expression in his eyes which made me shiver. Like if I was really special to him, so much more than a kid from the ghettos of L2 could have excepted to be for anyone. 

" It's me who's leaning on the doorframe. Don't steal my ideas." I said softly, looking at the ceiling. 

Maybe I was going to come back to my old ways, someday. Maybe there was a way to really put me back together... 

He laughed softly before coming to sit on the bed. He looked wonderful, for once he seemed happy. At least I had been making someone happy... I hadn't killed, I hadn't gotten death over someone, I hadn't made anyone crazy nor kill oneself, nor regret something he had done to me to the end of his life, but happy. For a long time I had been thinking it had been something I would have never done, thinking that I was destined to bring only sorrow over those who risqued to love me. Yet, I had been making someone happy, Heero, of all people. His eyes were shining, but in other way than when he was glad because he had completed a mission, they were even more beautiful than then. Looking in them I felt myself falling deeper in love with him than I had already been, if it was even possible. Instead of being bitter I was sentimental, still not quite me I had once been, but at least I felt in peace with myself and I had gotten through my fear of Heero, technically after so many years of not being able to stand his presence closer than a yard away. 

" I love you, Heero." I said again. Repeating this to him felt wonderful, though I couldn't guess why. Maybe keeping it to myself for so long, thinking I would never get a chance to tell him that, was causing this. I could not know. 

His lips formed a small smile for a while, before he leaned down over me, closing the distance between our lips. My heart began beating like crazy, my hands clenching into fists, as I felt old fear making me want to slap him and back away. But I didn't, I wanted to make him happy. I closed my eyes and let him kiss me and lick my lips, but I didn't grant him access. If I would ever be able to give it to him it would be later, not yet. When he pulled away his eyes had an almost dreamy expression to them, so beautiful... The thought that I could have ever lost him was giving me a heartache. 

" Why aren't you with Relena, anyway ?" 

" Because she's anything like you." He said, lying down beside me. I hoped that whatever he had done for breakfast didn't need to be eaten warm. 

" You're acting strange." I said, turning to face him." You hurt me during the war and you never told me you were sorry, or that I meant anything for you, then you left me alone for years and now you just came and took me to your home and you're letting me stay here and acting like if we were a couple. I don't understand." 

" I just thought you would be happier without me, but when I learned how you were stuck with Trowa after what Wufei had done to you, I realized I had been wrong." 

" Just that ?" 

" Yes." 

" You mean you missed me, too ?" 

" Yes." 

I smiled. 

" Who learned you to be so open ?" 

" It isn't that. I'm able to do everything to get what I want. I've always been." 

`Do everything to get what I want`. Definetely, I was special to him. So much more than I could have guessed I would have been for anyone, even yesterday. Since yesterday, so many things had changed for better. How could I have been so stupid as to try to kill myself few days earlier, if Trowa wouldn't have saved me somehow then I would have been buried in cold soil by now, not in Heero's arms. 

" Where did you go after the war anyway ?" 

" I've joined Preventers." 

" And that information about your death ?" 

" I'm kind of a special. My existence is supposed to be a secret. Technically, since you know my identity and my past and got to know I'm alive, I should kill you." 

I sighed. Indeed, he hadn't changed much since the war, not at all, I bet I had changed way more myself. 

" I went to a college on L2." I started." It wasn't like if I hadn't enough money, you know, OZ accounts, and Quat, but I was working as a scravenger anyway, out of the habit. But I didn't feel good there, too many bad memories, I think... So as soon as I ended it I left to study on L1. I was doing theology with philosophy at the university there." 

He rolled his eyes, at my choice of subjects, I bet. 

" Don't worry. It was more of a free-time activity. In fact, I was doing informatics and electronics. But when it's come to this, I've been always telling I was on theology. I just haven't wanted to seem as someone being all that practical. And you didn't study at all ?" 

" Well, between missions." 

" What ?" 

" Informatics and electronics." 

I grinned, feeling my mask slipping in place, making me feel more secure than I had been in weeks. 

" I've been always saying we have something in common. And, what is it you've made for breakfast, Heero, I'm dying to know." I asked, my nostrils twitching unvoluntarily at the delicious aroma coming from the kitchen. 

He didn't answer. 

" Heero ?" I called, turning to look at him. 

No ! He had fallen asleep again, with his face buried in my shoulder. If he was going to sleep for all those years now, when he finally had me, I was going to be seriously bored. I sighed, crawling out of the bed, I didn't feel like staying with him into. I was hungry. Since my clothes weren't to be found in the room anymore, I borrowed his. He didn't have anything black, so I decided on blue. They were a bit too long for me and baggy, which for the shirt wasn't all that bad, but I had to hold the pants while walking. I just hoped that someone, most likely Quatre, would send me all my own clothes soon. I went to the kitchen and spotted something weird on the plates there. Well, Japanese food, it seemed. How could one eat a squid ? Well, when there was nothing else and the squid didn't smell all that bad, and one had eaten worse things before, it was actually possible. It even wasn't all that bad, I could get used to that. After finishing the meal I went back to the bedroom only to get to know Heero was still asleep and didn't look like waking up anytime soon. And I didn't want to disturb him. So I spent next half an hour visiting the appartement. He had my photos or of us together in every room, including bathroom. I found speed there, as well. I hoped he wasn't too deep in that shit. I pulled off the curtains in the living room letting light in and only then noticed a pile of papers lying on the floor next to the couch. I looked at it almost unvoluntarily and approached to it, like if pulled by some force. 

I shouldn't have done it. Soon enough, I got to know these were things that had had to be Wufei's once, my photos, countless pictures, and drawings, as countless drawings with me dying on it or sitting broken and crying. I shouldn't have watched them, I knew, but I did watch them all. God, what I had made him think and do ? How ? Why ? The last of the drawings fell out of my shaking hands as silent sobs began to rock through my body. Someone like me shouldn't have been born at all... My existence was causing others to suffer, wherever I went I brought sorrow with me. I had made Heero happy... Maybe, for that one night, but I was going to hurt him eventually as well and I didn't want to hurt him, of all people, I loved him too much for that. 

I wiped unshed tears stinging under my eyelids off with the sleeve of my, well, Heero's, shirt. I couldn't stay here, I was going to make Heero's life hell, too, like I had done with Wufei's. I didn't want to get through this again, losing someone I cared for and knowing it was my fault. Like it had been with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, whom I had left alone and hadn't managed to save, though I had been trying, with Deathscythe, which I had been one to attack OZ space fortress with, regardless of the fact they had been so much stronger than me, getting it destroyed, with Wufei, whom I had been one to make go crazy and kill himself. 

I did not want this to repeat with Heero. 

I needed to go away from here, from him, and make it impossible for him to find me ever again, ever... There was only one such a place, where he wouldn't ever get me. I stood up and went back to the bathroom, slowly. There had to be a lot of weapons in Heero's home, but the sound of the shot would have woken him up, something I didn't want. _I didn't want to disturb him, with so unimportant things like me, ending with myself. I bet he didn't really care. I was a nice little toy, which some boys enjoyed breaking, nothing more, either for them or for him._

I found speed again, filled the syringe and shoot up, several times, all that was there. From what I knew about drugs, I was going to be dead in the matter of minutes, no more a burden for anyone, no more making someone suffer, saving Heero the pain... My vision began to spin around and I fell to the floor, hitting it hard. I squeezed my eyes shut to block more of the tears coming under my eyelids. I was sparing Heero the pain, why was I feeling like if what I was doing wasn't right ? Why it was... Why was I regretting ? Wasn't I brave enought to sacrifice myself ? 

I could feel the drug, coursing through my veins. I knew what would happen, I would suffocate, because my bronchis would swell to maybe twice its size and wouldn't work anymore, choke on my own vomit, pitiful way of dieing... But it couldn't be very painful, could it ? I hoped it would happen quickly and soon, just that... I began coughing, forcing a hand into my mouth to muffle the sound. Dammit, I couldn't wake Heero up... I shouldn't bother him at all...   


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	16. 16

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XVI**

  
  
  


He stormed inside the bathroom, almost getting the door off its hinges. My muffled coughing had woken him up, in the end. I was so terribly sorry... 

I gave up on trying to be silent, removing my fist from my throat, filled with dark blood. When he looked down at me, lying sprawled on the floor, with blood flowing down my chin from my mouth, my eyes wide with pain, blackness of pupils covering violet completely, his own eyes went twice its usual size, before he bit his lip and kneeled down next to me, taking the syringe out of my hand, clenching it tightly to that moment. 

He examined it, getting to know what I had done. I bet he thought I was crazy, with the look he gave me... 

" Why ?" He asked, barely able to speak with that clenched throat. Clenched with horror, shock or maybe pain. Did I make Heero suffer ? Something I wanted so much not to do ? 

I could not talk. I just smiled warmly up at him, showing him I didn't want him to care, bother with me. 

" Dammit, why, Duo ?! What have I done wrong ?" 

I shook my head, still trying to smile through the spasm of pain. It was nothing he had done, and no, he hadn't done anything wrong to me, only good things, so good... He didn't deserve to suffer because of that... 

How I wanted to die already, not have to look into his eyes, filled with pure horror. He would forget... He would forget me... in a few weeks or months he just wouldn't remember anymore, he would go on with his life and I wouldn't hurt him and he would be happy. Tears blurred my vision, still spinning around, and I couldn't really see him anymore, only hear his frantic breathing. I was grateful for this... 

I tried to smile up at him again, showing him I wasn't in that much of pain, that I didn't fear, that I was happy having a chance to sacrifice for him, that I was doing this for him... for his happiness... 

I began to cough with blood again, increasing amount of pain bringing me back to the reality, harsh, cold reality, when I had almost drifted away into the neverending, silent, warm, eternal peace. Heero took me up from the floor and was holding me in his arms, kneeling. It hurt so much... 

I never thought it would be that painful and that slow... so terribly, agonizingly slow... I forced myself to speak, spilling red froth with every word. 

" Hee... Shot me... please... this hurts..." I whispered, pleading in my eyes. 

I bet it wouldn't bother him, finishing me off. Hadn't he said he should kill me since I knew his identity and that he was alive ? No one would ever blame him for this. Beside that, why would the Perfect Soldier hesitate before killing someone ? He had hesitated once, no, twice, before, with me, but...   


He didn't shot me, no, but he hit me in the back of my neck, stopping my torment as the consciousness left me...   


_Heero's POV:_   


Duo's things sent by Quatre had just gotten here, so I spent few hours on looking through them. I didn't want to be meddling, but I needed to check what he had there, that could have eventually served him to try to kill himself once again, when he would wake up. Now, when after all those years I had him, I wasn't going to resigne him, espacially not to the death. But there was nothing suspicious nor dangerous, just clothes, almost all black, and some books and that was pretty all, so in the end I left his bag untouched, seeing no need of taking anything from him. It seemed weird for me that he didn't have a gun anymore, at least for me it would have been unimaginable to live the life he had managed to lead - normal life a student. I would have never stood something like that... When there was no mission my life was beginning to lose its sense. Maybe now it was going to change, since I had Duo and he would need to be guarded 24/7. I had been talking a lot with a psychiatrist from this hospital in the past few days, ever since I had gotten Duo here after he had poisoned himself with excess amount of amphetamine, almost killing himself, again, while not even three months had passed since he had been raped by Wufei. If he was going to keep on trying he would succeed, sooner or later, rather sooner, most likely - next time, simply because he would be so weak that everything he could possibly try would be enough to kill him. As for the psychiatrist, beside her work here, she worked for Preventers, so I could be honest with her and I had told her all I knew myself about Duo, and then she told me he would try again, and that I needed to keep an eye on him constantly, and keep him away from all the things that could bring bad memories to him or tramaumatize him, which seemed to include me, but I hadn't argued with her, and that I need to make him believe that he really was more than just a whore, buying other's kindness with his body and making others think only about getting him, using him and hurting. She had also said it wouldn't be easy. That I knew myself as well as she did. Duo always had been complicated, ever since I had first met him, there always had been more to him than just his cheerful self, that other, way darker side to him could be seen sometimes, in the suddenly appearing hollow void in his eyes, when he was waking up from a nightmare. Then I had raped him and something in him had snapped, his eyes had began to flash with pain and despair way more often. But he had gotten even through that, as always landing on his feet, and in the few years of peace in his life had almost forgotten about all the bad things in his life, but what Wufei had done to him had brought all the bad memories back, adding a few as well. Only after, he had begun to think about killing himself, because he had been feeling bad with Trowa and because he had been thinking I had been longtime dead. He had tried to suicide because of me, both times. I had gotten to know why he had done it from what he had been saying in his sleep, disturbed by nightmares, when he had been in coma. He had tried to suicide because he had thought that else he would hurt me... and that it would bother me less if he would be dead than if he lived, that I didn't really care. What had made him think that ? Looking through Wufei's drawings of him. But... He had been wrong... Even if he couldn't have been sure I cared, after just one night, he should have known and be sure I didn't want him dead, after I had saved his life twice in the past and once again recently. His death was the last thing I wanted and was going to let happen. I would stop working for Preventers for a few months to take care of him, to get him back to his old self, to get him to stop thinking about himself as a slut... He was way too beautiful and amazing creature to let the memories destroy him, or let him stay half-crazied, or end with himself, and I loved him too much to let this happen, too. 

I had finally packed his clothes back to the bag and approached his sleeping form. For once, his sleep was peaceful, maybe bacause they had given him tranquilizer... He looked so miserable, yet he was still so beautiful and even more fragile. They had put him back from pieces, again, any normal human being wouldn't have lived through that at all... He had suffered so much, again, like if his screwed up childhood and two wars weren't enough for him. How could he still believe that that his God, as the source of fate, was merciful and generous, after what had happened to him ? There were things to him I wasn't going to understand ever... But it was making him all the more appealing, that we were close to being perfect opposites, at least me and the old Duo... the one whom I needed to get back... When he would wake up I would work on that, but for now he should sleep and rest... 

I brushed chest-nut bangs off his eyes for him, before bending to kiss his slightly swollen lips and then sit down in the chair next to his bed. I wasn't going to leave that room till he wouldn't wake up and I wasn't going to leave his side till he would be all right again. That was my mission, I was setting for me myself this time. To save, not to kill, this time...   
  


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Quite a few chapters still to come, but at least it's completely prewritten, so you can be sure it'll be complete one day (well, in a few weeks) and have a happy ending ! But before... well, it hasn't reached the greatest depth of angst yet in the chapters uploaded so far, so except rather dark stuff in few next chapters. And thanks for reviews !   
  
  



	17. 17

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XVII**

  
  
  
  
  


_Duo's POV:_   


This time I got out of the hospital after two weeks, half of which I had been conscious. Had I said Heero hadn't changed ? I had been wrong then, he had. I couldn't recall a minute when he hadn't been beside me ever since I had regained consciousness. Every time I had been falling asleep, waking up, and throughout whole the day, he had been there. Even trying to talk, sometimes. He had had to be uneasy with me being silent so he had been trying to make some noise just to fill the void. 

I could see it, I wasn't blind, he was desperate to keep me beside him and to bring the old me back. But I would hurt him, terribly hurt him, if I would stay with him... But, simply there had been no way to leave, he had been guarding me well. I hated him for that, that he was getting suffering over himself with that kind of obstinacy and loved every minute of that at the same time because my dreams were just coming true. Why couldn't I simply enjoy it ? Maybe my happy laughter had changed into bitter tears one time too many to keep thinking I would ever be eternally happy. Nothing lasts in this world, especially not in my life. One of the things that had lasted in it for longer was my love for Heero and I didn't want him to destroy it, by coming too close, giving me too much hope, only to leave me then, just like that or for someone else, or because he would get hurt because of me. It would have destroyed me, losing something so precious to me once again. 

I really should leave, for both our sakes. But he wasn't letting me and when I had told him just that he had ignored it. Also, he had been taking me to psychiatrists and stopped only as I had told him I had been going crazy from simply visiting them. He was treating it like a mission, really, trying to succeed by any possible means. 

I was being silent, sad and broken, but he tried to cheer my mood in every way, making my favorite food, taking me wherever I wanted or he thought I wanted. I could have enjoyed that if I would have let myself. It was really hilarious, when he was taking me to cinema and sitting through whole the movie looking blankly at the screen, not even blinking and then, the next day, able to repeat whatever the characters had been saying. Not to mention him dragging me to the amusement park and properly `enjoying` himself. Then coming back and cooking for me... I wasn't sure if I wouldn't have preferred him to act normally... 

At nights, we were sleeping together and he was sleeping indeed, while I couldn't. But at least I was safe and warm in his arms. Still, we weren't lovers, not even a couple at all. Sure, our lips brushed on some occasions, but he was never holding me in public. 

Things between us were weird and when a week passed since I had gotten out of the hospital, I decided I needed to sort them out. If I wouldn't, how long could we go on like that ? I needed to tell Heero what I was thinking about us and get him to leave me alone and then try to continue with my life or simply end it, when he wouldn't be there anymore to interfere. But I needed strength to talk with him like that, strength I didn't have and couldn't find in myself for days. Just then, I remembered how I had wanted to go to a church that morning before my second attempt on suicide, so I asked Heero, feeling that need in me again. 

A church... I was going to go to a church... I hadn't been in one ever since Wufei's death. A church on Earth, huge, old and beautiful, nothing like the ones I had been visiting on L1. Not at all... This one would be truly ancient, with gigantic windows made of stained glass... 

We needed over an hour to get to the closest church like that and there I was there. Heero hadn't come in with me, for once leaving me alone, free. Right, ever since my attempt on suicide, so practically since we had met again after the war, he had taken my freedom away from me, accompanying me everywhere, even in the bathroom, not to mention cleared of any kind of drugs, medications, razors blades and with shampoo and conditioner given to me in small amounts, like if he feared I would eat them or something. 

I could have appreciated that he loved me, if only I didn't fear I would hurt him, but I could not appreciate him being my watchdog and treating me like a mentally ill and strangling me with his protectiveness. I couldn't live like that. He wasn't giving me enough space, I was suffocating. Why couldn't he, or Tro, understand it ? I needed their protectiveness, it was making me feel safe, but when it was creating barriers all around me it was taking my freedom away. I wanted it back. I couldn't live without it. I had always been free, always deciding about my fate on myself, ever since my early childhood, taking this away from me was only making things worse, even more than they had already been. 

Anyway... Now I was free, for a moment. Standing in the middle of an ancient, large church, completely empty at this time of the day, I was free, Heero wasn't here. I took my head up to look at the cross. Why was I even here ? Me, in a church, while I did not believe in God... Not that God, at least. I was a kind of deist and I believed in Death, because it was her who was the most powerful, who made us what we are. Living creatures got what they are only because they always needed to escape her, to fight against her and so on throughout millions of generations, to this point when still the fear of the Death is our main, if not only, motivation and seen in that way, source of our strength. I wasn't a Christian, despite that I was wearing a crucifix, the same sister Helen had given to me, just mounted in black Gundamium alloy from Deathscythe, making it practically indestructible and being a part of my Gundam making it like if it was still with me, as all it had once been. I had been even studying theology and few months ago I had been close to becoming a priest, but I hadn't in the end, because it simply wouldn't be fair, since I didn't believe in Christian God, since my hands were drenched in blood, so how was I supposed to tell people to be good ? I couldn't, even with the knowledge how it would have made father Maxwell happy and proud of me, how it would have been paying the debt I had taken from him and sister Helen, for being the closest I had ever had to parents, for making me what I was, giving me a surname. 

Without them, and my friends from the streets, I would have been lost, I wouldn't have had anything, no name, no home, even for a while. All I had and was now was thanks to them. And what had I given them in return ? I had gotten pain and death over them, Death, who seemed to be following me to take from me everyone who dared to love me. 

It had been hurting me, losing everything over and over again... hurting so much... that it had broken me in the end, shattered me into pieces, leaving me broken and lost, with the knowledge that I couldn't love, or be loved, because it would always result in pain and death. 

Why ? I had Heero, he was alive, back with me, loving me and taking care of me, something I had been dreaming about for so long, why couldn't I be happy, just like that ? Forget about the past and the future and be happy for a while, just because once I would have been no one would've been able to take the memories away from me, like had taken Solo, sister Helen and father Maxwell out of my heart, throughout two wars and two rapes. It would have been so wonderful, to be able to remind myself that I had once been with him. I craved for that, just... could I sacrifice him for that ? Like I had done with everyone who had loved me ever before ? Everyone who dared to love me was dying shortly after, was it... was it because I was Shinigami ? Now I knew, and I loved Heero too much to let him die, too, because of that. 

Or should I give it a chance anyway ? Maybe it was worth it, worth everything... They were saying love was. And me and Heero, we could have been so good together, really... So maybe we should, despite the possible consequences. Maybe I should stop screwing it up, give up to his love, his care, accept what I had always wanted to have from him, let love work its magic... whole the while knowing I would hurt Heero with that because things just were that way, always, because I was destined by unknown forces to bring only sorrow and pain like if we couldn't be let to be happy with each other the rest of our days, for what we had suffered already. 

But maybe it was worth it, maybe the glimpse of happiness we could have together was worth losing everything beside its memory then... for me it was worth it, but I couldn't decide for Heero, and he didn't fucked believe me when I was saying I would hurt him. 

How was I supposed to know what to do ? 

I couldn't know, was it ? 

I was supposed to make that decision, to let it work between us taking all responsibility for that, why ? To be hurt worse then, to torment myself more when it would all be over ? 

Because You, who made out our fates, knew since the very beginning I would let it work in the end, you gave me that choice, was it ? 

Then you may be cruel but you're not as wise as they say...   
  


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	18. 18

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XVIII**

  
  
  
  


_Heero's POV:_   


Two hours... Shimatta, what can one do in an empty church for two hours ? 

It wasn't like if I hadn't been observing Duo whole the time, of course. Just, he hadn't been doing anything special, just standing or kneeling with his head up, looking at the cross. Prying, was it ? Did he really believe in all those stupid things called religion ? Maybe it was even something important to him... Of course it was, he had been studying theology after all, wearing a crucifix, priest-like clothing, ever since I had gotten to know him. But his God hadn't saved him from Wufei. 

My hands clenched into fists at the mere memory of his name. It was hard to believe, that him, our partner from the war, had been the one to hurt Duo that badly, but it was true indeed. If the bastard hadn't killed himself, I would have... 

Yet again, why hadn't I been there in the first place to stop him ? To protect mt Duo ? Why had I left him alone and decided to come back only after something so terrible had happened to him, broken him, destroyed him, made him weak, sad and silent, half-crazied, so much unlike him I had always known, and even that only thanks to Trowa. If not him Duo could have been way worse now. Physically and mentally. I should have been there to kill the bastard the second he had first thought about hurting my Duo in that way, years before it had ended up coming true. But I hadn't been there, I hadn't stopped what had been coming and now, after all of this, it seemed like if it was too late to save Duo, or rather, to get him back to normalcy. Maybe he wouldn't have been that bad at all if I wouldn't have raped him myself for the first time, during the war, if I wouldn't have treated to kill him... He had loved me, even back then and I had used his trust like that, no wonder he couldn't get himself to trust me once again. Probably he just wanted me to go away, leave him alone. But alone he wasn't going to survive, he would kill himself and for all I was I preferred him being unhappy and alive than dead. As long as he was alive, things could always get better. He could still find someone who would really love him, their love not stained with terrible past sins and take care of him. 

The question was: if I would have let anyone close to him, my Duo. He was mine, he had given up to me that night before he had attempted on suicide. It was still actual, he was my boyfriend, and I wanted him to be so much more... I couldn't let him go, nor let myself lose him to death or another man. I had been waiting far too long to get him at all to let him go now... even if I would hurt him. I was doing my best not to and it had been him to turn me crazy like that in the first place, unable to imagine living without him at my side anymore. 

I wasn't going to let him go, so I needed to... heal him, get him back to his old self, or something similar, at least. I had been trying for a week, trying everything I could have thought of, I hadn't succeed, but I was going to keep on trying, over and over again. The problem was, he wasn't collaborating, staying dazed off, keeping the distance, not physical anymore, but mental, like if he feared I would hurt him again if he would trust me. He was wrong, there was no need to fear for him, none at all. He was safe beside me, I could swear him that. I would have fought to death to assure his safety, to spare him suffering. I would have done everything for him, if he would be back himself then and smile at me normally just once, like he had used to during the war, I would have given everything for that... So why wasn't I able to do anything ? Why ?! I didn't like being helpless... Having no means to complete my mission... Seeing no way to complete it... knowing that my Duo could have stayed like that forever...   
  
  


He had gotten out of the church only at the sun was setting. So how long had he been there ? And did it really matter ? I was waiting for him standing with my back resting against cold, solid wall of the church. 

He stopped in the huge door, looked around and approached as he spotted me, looking up at me with enlarged violet eyes. He was breathakingly beautiful, and only at that moment I could understand, really did, why all those males wanted him though they had no chance to ever have him. Wind was playing with his short, chest-nut hair, messing it up like it had to be doing with my own. 

" I want to give us a chance. " He whispered, after another moment of silence, hope of my acceptance lighting his eyes with pleading. What for ? I had already accepted him and my stupid feeling for him. 

" Heero, I want to act like if nothing has ever happened." He began to explain. " What would you do then with me now ? If we'd be here and there was no Wufei, no mission at Vilinius, nothing..." 

" Screw you senseless ?" I asked in a husky voice before realizing what I had done. Follow your feelings... Yeah, right, high feelings, not something like... Where the hell had gone my own self ? I wiped my hands in my pants nervously. Why hadn't they learned me to deal with things like that ? 

Violet eyes, still looking up at me, darkned. 

" You're acting weird. You're uneasy. We both need relief." He said, visibly a lump forming in his throat, terrible fear filling his eyes, as he shoved himself at me, wrapping his arms tightly around my neck and his long legs around my waist, forcing me to catch him. 

" Screw me senseless, if you think this is what we would be doing if nothing happened." He whisepered, his voice breaking at the end, as he began to sob. 

He had to be so terribly confused, maybe he thought he owed me something for taking care of him, maybe he thought that it would please me - having his body and that I wouldn't care that he would be crying whole the time. Why was he thinking I was that kind of a monster ? That I never showed too much of human emotions ? I thought he could see past that facade, damn, even Trowa could, I bet Quatre as well, could see more to me than just cold, calculating, perfect soldier. I did feel, I had felt, that I hadn't gotten myself to kill Duo had learned me that. I had emotions. Damnit, I loved him, yet for some reason he was offering himself to me to rape him again, like if he thought I couldn't wait till he would be all right. 

I shoved him aside lightly, leaving only one my arm wrapped around his slim waist and took him to the car like that, sobbing worse with every minute. So he hadn't found peace there, in visiting his God. I had excepted it, Trowa hadn't helped him, psychiatrists hadn't helped him, I hadn't helped him... why He would have ? But if not a miracle then what could save him ? Save us ?   


_Duo's POV:_   
__ __

I was waking up to bloody visions repeatedly, all the worst things in my life replaying once again that night. It was hell, it was worse than it. It was more than I could stand. I had thought today at church I had found a way to make everything better, to try to act like if nothing had happened if I couldn't simply forget. I thought that I could have forgotten one day, when new, better memories would be there to replace these bad. It hadn't worked, I had broken down, what was broken in me staying broken despite what I had been telling myself. I couldn't control it., like one couldn't have a wound healed with the mere force of his will, but only with a proper treatement. But there was no one able to treat me, not even Heero, though he had been trying so hard, with kind of desperacy, almost. And it didn't seem like if he was going to give up. But had it any sense at all ? Was I ever going to forget, or at least be able to act like if I had forgotten, stop thinking I was dirty, that everyone wanted to use me and hurt me, blame myself for my friend's death... Was I ever going to stop, and be able to truly live again at all ? Because what I had now wasn't a true life, rather waiting for a chance to end it, waiting for Heero's error. Something like that wasn't going to happen ever, anyway. There was no point in trying as long as he cared at all. He would have saved me, it would have only been more pain... for both of us, when there was already too much of it to bear. 

I was really destroying Heero's life. If I wouldn't have been there, with him, he would have been so much happier. If only I hadn't been thinking it all a dream then, when I had been on truth's serum, and hadn't told him I loved him, he would have been still happy, as he had to be before I had appeared. How strange... Like if hearing these words from me meant suffering in itself... 

Heero moved and opened his eyes, sitting on the bed beside me, blinking sleepily while trying to adjust to seeing in the dim light of a night lamp. I had had to turn it on, light helped me to get rid of bloody visions from under my eyelids, not completely, but as much as I could at all. They weren't going to disappear completely, ever, they were a part of me... because they weren't just images of what Wufei had done to me, they were a memory of the meaning of it, how it had showed me real sense of my existence - to bring death and sorrow over this already so shitty world. Why couldn't Heero let me go if the world was going to be so much better without me ? 

" Nightmares ?" 

I nodded. He moved to wrap his strong arms around me. 

" What are you thinking about ?" He whispered, pressing himself to me. 

What was I thinking about ? Nothing... Nothing really important... Just that shit which my life had become... How awful creature I was, how I should die... but how could I say that to Heero ? 

" Nothing... Just..." I said softly, shaking my head. 

I didn't want to worry him, for him all had to be all right, I had to seem normal, not a paranoidal freak I probably was. He didn't deserve worry, for being so good to me... 

" I just had a nightmare." That wasn't the point, my life was a nightmare, as surreal, tiring and horrifying, and as much wanted to end. 

He shook his head. Fuck, I hadn't tricked him. But please, Heero, no more psychiatrists... 

" I don't know what to do." He whispered. " I see life as a fight and it seems for me you've lost your will to fight all- together." He smiled blankly. " I'm not very creative. After all, you've tried to kill yourself, twice. I just thought that... after recovering physically and avoiding simply going crazy after what Wufei has done to you, you've passed most of the road back to the normalcy. I was wrong because instead of just living with the knowledge of what he's done to you, which is bad enough in itself, you've begun to generalise, like if there was nothing more to you than what he began to see in you at some point, that since it happened twice it will happen again and that it was your fault, and that you should punish yourself for that." 

I opened my mouth to oppose him. 

" I know what you're going to say, that since it happens without your will, but is obviously linked with your person, since you don't have control over it, you need to simply kill yourself to save, I don't know, me, others ? suffering. Just for you to know, in case you've chosen that world over this, I'm following you." His tone softened. " And you probably think this isn't obvious... I didn't quite need psychiatrists to get to know that, it's reflecting in your eyes, in the way you move, everything... They just gave it a name." 

" You've never told me what they said you before." I said, looking intently at the sheets and walls, everywhere, but in his eyes. 

" I didn't believe them, but they have been right." 

" So ?" I tried to encourage him to speak. 

" At the beginning it was just PSTD, which was bad enough in itself, but Trowa got you out of this, now you're developing clinical depression and paranoia, both at the same time. This isn't normal anymore, Duo, I mean, for a person who was through two rapes. You aren't the first nor the last that happened to and normally they don't kill themselves. Normally it's only fear and slight depression and they do everything to make it better, not worse. Sometimes shut off..." 

" Yeah ? And tell me how many other people were through the ghettos of L2, whoring themselves being 7-years-old to save a friend, through two wars, fighting to avenge all those who were close to me for a while only to be taken away from me... It is just..." My vision was blurring, I was sobbing uncontrollably. 

Delusive paranoia... So this was how they were calling what I was being through... 

Heero was right, it wasn't the matter of what Wufei and him had done to me, I had gotten over it, maybe nightmares, fear... But what really was wrong with me now was only vaguely linked with what had happened, not that me being Trowa's lover hadn't its part in it as well. And it was what he was talking about, this part simply shouldn't have been there... I should suffer from nightmares, I should fear, maybe I even should feel dirty, used and like a shit, but I should not blame myself and direct towars myself my own bad emotions, was it ? It was only that I was a freak, because I wanted to save others the pain, because I was ready to sacrifice myself for that. 

" They wanted to give you medications, you know that anyway. But I didn't let them, because you would be addicted to them to the end of your life. I can still do much, but you need to let me, give us a chance, which doesn't mean we need to have sex. Just don't feel guilty for tying me to you, if loving you means suffering, I take both, and I'm too deep in this already for your death to give me relief. Like I've told, I'll go there with you. You know I'm not kidding." He was gentle, talking in a soft voice, looking at me with neutral expression and impossibly caring eyes, but the last sentence was said more firmly, with that deadly tone that sounded in his voice every time he was talking about Death. God, they were really good friends... And I did believe he was able to suicide without even blinking. 

`If loving you means suffering, I take both...` Even if he did love me so much... could I take advantage of that and make him suffer ? So what if he was going to kill himself as well after I would have done just that ? Still, I would have saved plenty of others... 

" So we'll die both; and the world will be better without us..."   


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	19. 19

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XIX**

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Heero's POV:_   


" So we'll die both; and the world will be better without us..." He whispered, his lips barely moving, his violet eyes enlarged, widened, with huge irises, dark and hazed. He seemed dazed off and he was shuddering, but my arms slid off him on their own accord instead of trying to warm him. Kami, he really was crazy... 

"...if this is what you want. Because I won't hesitate." He said firmly, looking straight in my eyes, but like if not really seeing them, but looking through me at the opposite wall, at least I felt like that, maybe because his eyes were so empty... like if they were dead already, while the rest of him had to wait for a moment of my inadvertence. " Could we do it now ?" He asked, almost innocently. 

Shiver ran down my spine at the realization what he was talking about. 

" You know, Hee... When it comes to this, I think that Wu wanted to kill me that night, only he wasn't brave enough to finish what he had started... I think he was right, trying to finish me off like that... There had to be more to this than just his idea, God, don't you think ? You should finish what he started. Fuck me to death, Heero, and then kill yourself, if this is what you want. All be done then." He continued, his expression not changing one bit from the childlike wonder, like if he had discovered something important and ingeniously simple at the same time. He licked his lips, before shoving himself at me once again that day, grasping my shoulders firmly and pressing his slim body to mine. 

I didn't stand it. I hit him in the back of his neck, exposed to me, rendering him unconscious. 

Something terribly wrong had happened... something that shouldn't have taken place ever... Duo wanted to die, but more to this, he felt he deserved to be raped to death, he thought he deserved the worst thing that had ever happened to him... Fuck, what had I done wrong ? How could I have even let it happen, get to that point at all ? And how was I supposed to pull Duo out of that shit, alone ? Or maybe, not alone at all... I needed to swallow my pride and get Trowa and Quatre...   


_Duo's POV:_   


I was at Quatre's estate on L4 again. Heero had brought me here this morning, after I had told him to kill me himself and then join me if he wanted, because I simply had to die and his threats nor constant control weren't going to stop me. In the morning he had told me he had contacted Quatre and that we would have been leaving to L4. I had accepted it, having no other choice, however I hadn't been enjoying the idea of having three watchdogs, if Trowa was there, instead of one. As a Preventer, Heero didn't really need all those papers to leave Earth, so we could have simply gone on a cosmodrome and left with the next shuttle. That way, in the evening, we were on L4, having all controls and examinations possible complete. They had been performed unusually quickly thanks to Heero's diplomatic papers and my colonies' nationality, which I, unlike him, still had. Else, I wouldn't have passed so smoothly, I could feel it, I had seen it in the eyes of the doctor who had been examining me, how they had widened at the sight of my scars, those old and fresh, from war, Wufei and my first attempt on suicide, all causing serious damage to my body that had left its traces on it forever. 

So here we were, at the porch of Quatre's estate, Heero's arm wound loosely around my waist, not to hold as lovers do, but to keep me from hurting myself, trying to run or something equally stupid he thought I was able to do. His embrace felt like ropes. My neck was still stiff from the blow it had received the previous night, as a nice way for a boyfriend to put me to sleep. And there was that stinging sensation in my chest, after-effect of that huge dose of amphetamine I had taken not so long time ago. Mixed together, it felt bad. World span around me and I needed to put more of my weight onto Heero's shoulder. I smiled blankly realizing what kind of image we were making like that together, when we passed by, disgusted snarl appeared on the butler's face. Anyway, he shouldn't have been reacting like that seeing gays, Quatre was supposed to be gay himself. At his place I wouldn't have kept such a butler then. 

As we stepped inside the hall, Quatre and Trowa approached to greet us. They were walking together towards us, but keeping casual distance from each other. That meant one thing for sure, at the moment, they weren't together. Had I... Had I destroyed what there had been between them once ? Only as they joined us Heero let me go. He was right, in a closed room, with three of them inside, I had no chance to hurt myself seriously. Heero and Trowa didn't greet each other. Tro was supposed to shot through Heero's left shoulder when I had been unconscious after my jump from the bridge, so, it explained it quite well. The tension between the two of them was the kind to cut through with a knife. It was hard to breathe in the room they were in together. Quatre shook hands with Heero and said something to him, smiling, something I missed. I bet it held no importance whatsoever. Then Quatre came to hug me, but I backed away. I didn't know why. I hadn't that much of problems with physical contact with others anymore, but somehow... I felt like if he shouldn't touch me, because I would stain him, pure, innocent creature, such a shit as me shouldn't even get close to. Me, stinking kid from the ghettos, me, little dirty slut, and he was so pure... Understanding flashed in his eyes. No, he didn't understand, it only seemed so to him, he would have to suffer way more than he had to actually did. But I was happy he didn't. God, let him stay like that forever... 

Then Trowa approached me and stopped at a close distance, not quite knowing what to do. Well, I didn't either. We had been lovers, we hadn't exactly parted, but... It seemed he was with Quatre, it seemed I was with Heero, so... what was with us now ? I was the one to stand on my toes and peck him on the cheek. I just felt like it. I still wanted to be grateful to him for pulling me out of the worst shit at the beginning, just after. 

Quatre looked incredulously at that and I caught that look before he managed to hide it. Then Heero approached me again, his arm finding its way around my waist again, this time circling it more tightly and possessively. Yeah, I knew, he was showing Tro whom I belonged to now. There is nothing like to get between two strong, possessive males. All we needed now was Tro cuddling Quatre in return. But he didn't, either they really weren't together at all, or simply it was just about me. I hoped with whole my heart that Tro had gotten over me, because if he still loved me and was going to try to win me back, I would... I was not a prize to fight for... And it was adding so much responsibility to... well, I needed to kill myself, I didn't want to hurt him, maybe he loved me, two things that simply didn't go together, I would have to choose, again. 

Heero dragging me to the living room got me out of my thoughts. Living room... I knew so well from our meetings... Not that long time ago we had been sitting here, the four of us, Tro, Quat, me and Wu. Heero had been nowhere to be found, I had been waiting for him, missing him, I had been happy, and so different from whom I was now, I had known nothing about how much I could hurt, I had known nothing about what I had been doing to my friend, Wufei, then, I had been so mindless, so stupid, so blind... Because of that, because only Wu could actually see it, what needed to be destroyed, me, he had had to do what he had done and kill himself, because it didn't go well with honor and things. It hadn't been his fault, only mine. And Heero... I had his heart, I was his, a part of his life, he cared about me, he loved me back, as much as he could, I should be happy, but, I could not let myself be happy, not anymore, I couldn't be happy and make others hurt and die because of me, like I had done with Wufei. I had to disappear... My death was too important thing to accomplish for me to give it up because of my love for Heero. It wasn't going to stop me, it wouldn't ! If he had decided he would kill himself as well if I would do so myself, and I knew he meant it, then let's let him do so, if this was our only choice... I needed to die, that was the most important. Nothing else mattered... Not Heero, not Trowa, not Quatre, not myself. 

I was sat down on the couch by Heero, his arm staying looped around my shoulders, Tro and Quatre taking places in two separate seats in front of us. Definitely, they weren't together. Then they began to blabber something about me, me getting worse instead of better, me trying to kill myself once again, me not acting normal, like if I wasn't there with them at all... Indeed, I wasn't listening to all, I dazed off half-way, just staring dumbly through the window. Get yourself a reputation of being mentally ill and everyone will be treating you like if you didn't understand nothing at all... But I wasn't angry at them for that, I wasn't listening anyway. I needed to think, I needed to think of a way to end with myself. And the view of the colony outside the window was so beautiful, so damned beautiful, and terrible to me at the same time. Colony, early evening, dim light trying to imitate sunset. Nothing like that, just like if someone was slowly turning lights off, nothing more. The same view, almost the same, only way more miserable, I had been admiring cuddling myself in the dark corners of the ghetto, getting ready to sleep, having nowhere else to go. 

Only the sound of my name got me out of the trance and I realized I was in Heero's lap and he was stroking my hair in a soothing manner, because I was sobbing. Really, I hadn't realized that. I really had been there a minute ago, in the ghettos of L2, being 9-years-old, having no home and no parents, only bitter memories of dead friends and people who had been close to me for a while, and a little crucifix on my neck to accompany me, nothing more, and little pieces of musty bread I had either stolen or gotten pleasing some lonely man. 

" Duo..." Quatre called for me like if from a distance. 

I tried to look up at him and smile, but instead I saw a swollen face with deadly gleaming eyes, the smell of alcohol hitting me in my face as I was pulled up by my collar, hoping that I would be just kicked out of that place and had to go look somewhere else for a dark corner to sleep in, and not... Then I was hit for the first time, hard across my face, but not by that man. Wufei... He really was a martial artist, I hadn't time to feel the pain from one blow and the next was already delivered, blood felt like water, and while he was smashing my jaw my ribs hurt from earlier blows, making blood spill down my swollen lips... Bloody visions... again... in these blood was just red water, nothing more, no pain, no death, just thick crimson liquid, flowing in streams down my body, down the corpses of my victims, making a puddle around Wufei's shot through skull, mixing with brain. Flowing down my thighs in thick rivulets as Heero continued trusting in me for all he was worth, I had hurt them all so badly... 

Two hot tears running down my cheeks got me back to reality, two hot tears running down my cheeks, not my own. My eyes were dry, but my face was damp with tears, his tears. From all the things I had dared to dream about seeing, I had never thought that those Prussian blue eyes, hunting my dreams for years, would cry for me one day. Perfect soldier was crying. The world had turned upside down, something was wrong. The way I had taken ?   
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   



	20. 20

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XX**

  
  


I could feel every drop of blood coursing through my veins adjust its moves to the motion I was put into, without my will nor effort. That motion, it was giving me the sense of reality, something I, well, every living being, desperately needed and had lost at some point, sinking in thoughts, plans, searching a way to leave that world and fucked purpose for me to do it. I still had to, but just for a while longer... Heero had been crying because of me... I had made him that sad and scared losing myself in my own world of nightmares... He really had to love me... He loved me, and well, Trowa did, too. After I would die and stop hurting others all-together I would hurt them, my last victims, all the same, but still I had to, even if both of them were going to follow me and join me in death, still, it wasn't too high of a prize for that world to get lost of me. I deserved it, it had to be done. How I knew that Trowa loved me so much, indeed ? Or maybe he just wanted me desperately enough to join me in my craziness, as for now. To let me drag him to the closest bedroom after Quatre had accompanied Heero to the bathroom, and make him hard and make him slam in me repeatedly. 

I needed to preserve some hold on reality to end with myself, it wouldn't be an easy task, being completely crazy I wouldn't be able to trick my watchdogs and complete it. His gentle, powerful thrusts, bringing more of dull sensation of fullness than pain or pleasure were helping me not to lose the feel of my body and grip on my surroundings, not to float somewhere from I couldn't even control my body. 

He feared he would hurt me, but I wasn't made of glass, I needed him to be less gentle... Way less gentle... That thought flowed through my mind again... Wufei hadn't completed his task, I should have died fucked to death, that was how things were supposed to be, but Tro... no, he wasn't one to do something like that to me anyway, no matter how hard I would have provoked him, I was sure about this. So I just pulled myself up on my elbows and wrapped my legs tightly around his waist, making him penetrate me way deeper. My breathing was starting to get ragged, sharp pain shoting through my lungs, damaged by my last attempt on suicide. I wasn't paying attention to that, nor to the blood, rivulets of which I saw in the back of my eyes, covering my original vision. There was no need to fear, it was Tro, and... I did deserve it, had I forgotten ? 

I really was the worst kind of a whore, I had been in Quatre's estate for no more than half an hour and already dragged his boyfriend to bed with me, for a quick nice fuck still fully clothed, not counting unzipped pants and pulled down boxers. But I needed it, it hurt, just a bit, because I wasn't making any sounds, either from pain or pleasure, and Tro didn't know how he should move. But that angle was all right with me, at least it hurt... I liked pain, I liked it more than pleasure, I had just realized that, well, I had had so many chances to get to know the pain closely and never the pleasure, pleausure for me was something taken from between dreams, pain was my reality... pain was what was making me real. I needed to feel the pain, a lot of pain, to stay real and sane and able to finish myself off. 

Tro moved more vicsiously, just once, and it caused me so much more pain. I wanted him to do it again, and again, over and over again... 

" Tro, fuck me harder..." I whispered, looping my legs around his waist more firmly. 

He hesitated. I bit my lip and turned us over, so that I was the one on top. He seemed shocked, well, I hadn't done that all those times we had been together before, I used his shock on my advantage, slamming myself on him hard enough to draw blood immediately and make it flow down my thighs in thick rivulets, in just a few motions, mere seconds, filled with agonizing pain... I saw blood, I didn't need to dream of it anymore, from the borders of reality it had come to fill it, again. I could have died like that, drowning in my own blood, it would have been the best way for me to die... 

Green eyes I was still looking into widened as he cummed inside me, his semen mixing with my blood. He went limp inside me, and there was no more pain, but still, there was blood. Blood, one thing that could link my dreams and visions it filled, with the reality I needed to stay in touch with. I removed myself off him and moved away from him, my fingers reaching to probe my own depths, slick with blood and semen. I was a whore if I could enjoy this. When I removed my digits they were covered in slick, crimson mixture of the two. For me it was a symbol, it had a special meaning, the worst moments in my life were filled with that substance, but at the same time these moments were the most deserved, for hurting those who loved me, for making people want me and hurt because of that. Yes, I finally discovered it. It was my punishement, for all I was. It was everything real to me, the rest was a mask. 

I licked my fingers clean, tasting the salty-metallic tang and reaching for more, but Trowa caught my wrists and held them together with bruising force, his eyes bearing into mine intently. He was trying to read me... He was trying to get to know why the fuck I had enjoyed that... He would think from now on, that I did enjoy that kind of things, from now on he would think I had made Wufei hurt me, seduced him into this, because I had been getting some sick pleasure from that... He would be sick, disgusted with me, he would stop loving me, stop caring, I would be able to kill myself not hurting him... 

" Do it again, Tro..." 

Blackness overtook me when he hit me in the back of my neck... Were they ever going to leave in peace ?! It hurt already from what Heero had done to it... My last thougtht before I blacked out...   
  
  
  


I had woken up in some other bedroom next morning, my head, lungs and backside hurting as hell. Good, pain was what was making me real... It was helping me not to forget about my body... 

Before I had even made the slightest move Quatre had come in and rushed to my side and accompanied me ever since. As for Heero and Trowa, I hadn't seen them, I hadn't seen anyone beside Quatre and the butler and a psychiatrist, if that was the point. Now it was around noon and I was sitting in a study, on a little couch with Quatre, holding my hand tightly, which I let him do to me simply having no room to back away, and trying to concentrate to listen to the psychiatrist's blabber. It was the best one on L4, Quatre had gotten here especially for me after Heero's call from Earth. He had examined me, showed me all those weird pictures they were all showing, asked about few things... Nothing special. Anyway, I hadn't been paying much attention to him, however hard I had been trying, I... simply couldn't have, my own world of nightmares had been pulling me inside it way stronger than the boring reality filled with one thought: I need to end with myself ! and so I had drifted away. 

Now the examination was complete and the doctor was blabbering something in latin I bet neither me nor Quatre really understand. His next words fell on me like a tone of bricks. He was suggesting mental hospital and strong medications and restraining me because I was a danger to myself and maybe others. His heart was made of either stone or glass... This wasn't my fucked fault ! I needed to kill myself ! They had no law to restrain me ! 

I looked at Quatre pleadingly, desperately, while the doctor suggested he would escort me to the best hospital on the colony. Quatre hesitated. Where the fuck were Heero and Trowa ? Couldn't one of them pull me out of that shit ? Why was I in that shit in the first place ?! Why was I, Shinigami, asking for help ?!! Was I really crazy ? Of course I was, I was sane enough to realize it, I wasn't normal, but not everyone was through what I was, not everyone made people react to him like I did, not everyone... But was I right ? Choosing death over life and craziness over sanity because of that ? Because it was my choice, wasn't it ? I could tell no, stop that, and cradle myself in Heero's arms and let him bring me back to happiness and reality. But I had told no. Because I had thought I wasn't worth it, that what I deserved was pain and death. The shorter way... I was weak to choose an easier solution... But, the problem was, if I would have chosen the longer I wouldn't have been the only one to suffer because of that, I would have made Heero suffer with me, and maybe not him alone, but now, he did suffer, too. He had even cried... I was lost, there was no way for me to take... Both I knew were wrong and I didn't see any else... Maybe Heero... Maybe he could see it... I needed time... Desperately, I needed time to let him lead me through it, to the better, happy life I still could have at his side... All I needed was time... Please, don't take me to the hospital, please... 

Quatre told no, and took leave of the doctor and, well, very politely kicked his ass out of his house. I was saved... What was I going to do with the time I had gotten ? Heero... Yes, I needed to ask him if he could see a way, and if he would get through it with me, suffer with me, be eternally happy with me, one day... I needed to ask... And if he would tell me no I would just follow that way and kill myself on the closest occasion. Well, Heero, it seemed my life was in your hands, again...   
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   



	21. 21

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XXI**

  
  


After the doctor left we ate dinner with Quatre, only the two of us in an immense dining room of his mansion that could have easily accommodated 50 persons, maybe more. And well, he was telling it was that more intimate. It seemed he couldn't grasp the meaning of the word. Anyway, while his Blondeness was eating the royal food with royal manners, was poking in it with my fork, not hungry at all. Me, not hungry. Who would have thought... But well, I hadn't been eating that much anymore after I had stopped growing, and now after all those hospital soups they had been trying to feed me with, my appetite was lost completely. And so I was getting thinner and thinner, mostly skin and bones by now. 

I caught Quatre staring at me, worry filling his light blue eyes. I was worrying him, again. I shouldn't bother him at all with my problems, knowing how sensitive he was, I didn't deserve his care and concern, but yet again, it was Heero who had brought me here. I wouldn't have ever come to Quatre on my own these days, after I had taken Trowa away from him. This wasn't even fair that I was sitting here with him like that while I was sore from being fucked by his boyfriend even at the moment, for God's sake. It wasn't fair that he worried sick about me after what I had done. I wanted to slap him to cause him to stop bearing those clear light blue eyes into mine. But I restrained myself and just looked down, concentrating on poking in my food. Fuck, my neck hurt, from what Heero and Trowa had done to it. Really hurt... Tears of pain filled my eyes. Damn, Quatre couldn't see those. 

I was grateful when the butler stormed in and Quatre turned to him, so I had a chance to wipe the tears away with a sleeve. Quatre took a receiver from the butler and listened intently, his back to me, as was the butler's. A good opportunity... I stood up, wiped my hands in a serviette and headed to the second exit. 

" So how old is that skeleton ? It's really complete ?!" Quatre was shouting enthusiastically in the compact video receiver. It seemed the expedition he had had to leave because of me had found something important, without him there. Really, he shouldn't have bothered... His archeologist's reputation should be more important to him than an old friend from the war, a madman. 

I left the room and went to look for Heero. We needed to talk as soon as possible and I hadn't seen him even once today so far, he and Tro weren't sharing meals with me and Quatre and I hadn't met them on the corridors, not even once. Where were they ? Had Heero... left me ? I shrugged the thought off rushing down the corridor, looking inside the rooms I was passing by. Then, as I was passing by the staircase I heard his voice, silent, muffled by the distance, but indeed, it was his voice, deep and emotionless. I ran up the stairs and down the corridor upstairs, stopping only at the sharp pain in my backside, sharper than before, when it had been simply sore. I was bleeding from there, again. I had really managed to hurt myself quite badly then, with Trowa. I felt guilt clutching at my heart tightly. How could I have used him like that ? What would he think of me now ? What if he had told Heero ? Hadn't I realized back then that I could have lost them both ? How stupid had been what I had been doing ? To hurt myself, to regain my hold on reality... to make Tro stop loving me and give a fuck about me... But... Had it been really the best way ? Terrible fear that I had experienced minutes before, after my examination, was helping me to concentrate on my real surroundings way better than blood, which I had thought had been my only link to reality even yesterday... I had been stupid, so stupid... Ready to lose and sacrifice Heero to make everything better with my death... Like if I could have really made them stop caring about me, so my death wouldn't have hurt them at all. It was simply impossible. If no one else Quatre would be sad and blame himself ever after. And Heero and Tro... I didn't know anymore if I wanted them to care or not. I really was lost. I had just realized the way I had previously taken was wrong, but what was I supposed to do when I couldn't see any else ? Go to Heero... He had to know... If he wouldn't have known what to do he wouldn't have taken care of me in the first place. He had to have a plan, a way for me to follow. He had to... 

I heard his voice again and continued to the door of the room it was coming from. The door wasn't completely closed, there was a little chink left. I was ready to open that door, really, but as I heard Trowa speak, I hesitated. 

" He may seem, no, he may be hurt then, cry, regret, but in the first place that's him who wants it and seduces other men into doing this to him. I think that explains what he was doing in Wufei's bedroom in the middle of the night..." 

Tro was... He was telling Heero about what I had done and what he thought about me now, after that, he was... No, it wasn't true ! I hadn't seduced Wufei, not consciously, anyway ! Not in the way he thought I had, not like it had been with him ! It had been a mistake, with him, terrible mistake, but how was I supposed not to make mistakes when I didn't know what to do at all ?! I had been afraid I could have lost the hold on the reality all together... I had needed something to bring me back, but that didn't mean... 

" Just be careful with him, Heero. He may not be as innocent as he seems..." 

At the moment, I stepped in. Tears welling up in my eyes. How could he ? How could a man who was supposed to love me, had said me so, have so little trust in me ? What had I done hadn't been that awful, had it been ? I had seemed for him to enjoy... to provoke others to... No wonder he thought it had had to be the same with Wufei... My God, what had I done ? 

Heero... I turned to look at him, in his cold, blue eyes, still unreadable to me, as always, but seeming colder than usual. He was angry, angry with me, too. I had tricked him, because he had been trusting me and I had acted like that... And he had been caring deeply enough to cry for me and I had screwed all up ! Now, all that was left for me to do was to end with myself, indeed. Heero didn't want me anymore... I had screwed all up... 

I turned around, stormed and slammed the door shut behind me, running down the corridor, to the closest bathroom. What was I going to do ? I didn't know yet. Maybe jump out of a window, maybe... 

Suddenly, I was immobilized by strong arms wrapped around me from behind, holding my arms and lifting me up off the ground. I would have kicked, if the aggressor hadn't smelled so much like Heero. At the same moment, worried Quatre ran up the stairs and rushed to my side, his eyes wide with fear and guilt. I couldn't look at him. When he was hurt image he was making was able to tear my heart apart... Was it that way with me as well ? 

I turned my head to look as much behind me as I could, despite the pain in my neck. Heero was holding me, but I couldn't see his face. Trowa was leaning on the door frame, his face a cold mask, looking at me with all too obvious disgust. Tro, no... I hadn't wanted to, I hadn't meant to... to lose you, in that way... I just... had wanted you to stop loving me, if you ever had, and... and mostly I hadn't been thinking coherently at all... Don't judge me like that, without listening first to what I had to say ! I was sorry... 

" I'm sorry, Tro. I didn't know what I was doing..." 

He shook his head, like if he didn't want to hear me anymore and went down the corridor, passing by all of us on the way, grasping Quatre's hand and dragging him with himself downstairs. He was going to tell him, too, I could see it in the way he was looking at me and at him. Quatre hadn't better know... how deep my insanity had reached, what kind of things I was really capable to do... I couldn't even be sure this wouldn't repeat, what I could have been sure was that it hadn't been the same with Wufei, but, who was going to believe me now if they had assumed I had tricked them all once before, had lied to them, making a poor victim out of myself while I had been the one to get a friend to suicide, nothing more. I had screwed all up... I had lost them all, I had lost Heero... 

Feeling I had relaxed, or rather, given up, he let me go and I backed away from him and turned to face him. I didn't want him to touch me, if he considered me a whore, I didn't want his pity, if he wouldn't be able to give me his love anymore. Hesitantly, I looked up from the floor into his eyes... fearing the worst, but... they weren't cold nor empty anymore... but warm, loving and compassionate. 

" Heero, Trowa didn't lie..." I felt I needed to tell him. He couldn't blame Tro because he loved him, I wasn't going to let something like that happen. "...but I know it was wrong, I'm sorry about it. I didn't really know what I was doing... because... Heero, I'm lost, completely lost. I don't know what to do. Help me ?" I looked at him pleadingly, holding my breath waiting for his answer. If he was going to tell no I would jump. There was an open window in my reach, he wouldn't manage to catch me... 

" I'll try." He whispered, his expression getting ever softer for the shortest while, before hardening considerably. " But not here. We should leave." 

I nodded. Indeed, Trowa and Quatre needed to sort things out between them, without us to disturb them, just that... What if Trowa would manage to make Quatre believe I had provoked Wufei ? If he wouldn't stop believing that himself ? But did it really matter that much now, when I had my own problems ? 

" We're going back to Earth ?" 

" You don't want to ?" 

" Sure. Earth is fun." I spilled, smiling blankly. My mask still existed... Should I be assured by that ?   
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   



	22. 22

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XXII**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A week later, we were back at Heero's apartment on Earth, watching TV. Well, at least I was watching TV, while he was sitting next to me on the sofa, so close our arms were brushing, laptop in his lap, hacking, if I was seeing right. He hissed in frustration after trying to come with a right password for the hundredth time and failing. It seemed his password generating programs weren't the best ones one could come with for that system. Because there had to be a way to come in, everything that is accessible as such is hackable. Well, maybe I should help him ? 

" No exploits ?" 

" No." He answered absentmindedly. He had actually almost muttered his `hn`, almost. If he would have I would have banished him to the couch for that night, which seemed to mean no sleep at all for him. Us `being together` surely was fun, too. 

" May I try ?" 

" What ?" His head shot up, monotone sound of typing ceasing. That sound... bringing the memory of the night when he had raped me to me for years, until I had learned to control the fear it was bringing in me in order to be able to attend my informatics courses. 

" I asked if I may try, since it seems you have some problems with that." I repeated, turning the tv off. Well, I was going to help him, if he was going to appreciate it was another thing. " You know, I'm Gundam pilot and Master in informatics, too. I can do this." 

He hesitated. 

" It's work for Preventers." 

" I'll just find the password. I won't wander around myself, promise. Anyway, Hee..." I continued as he let me take his precious laptop from him. "...I need some work, you know. You can't maintain me forever..." I snapped him before a sound escaped his opened mouth. " I know it wouldn't be a problem for you, but I don't feel like it. I ought work. That's what I was studying for and, you know, on L2 job's been a luxury, I want to have it, just to prove some things to myself." 

" You want to work at Preventers ?" 

I nodded. 

" If that won't be a problem." 

" You could start as my assistant, but you're too good to stay as such, you'll be promoted, they'll want to move you somewhere else. We mustn't be separated." 

`We mustn't be separated.` My heart did a nice flip-flop. I fucked loved him when he was saying such things. I loved him, so much... Enough to... to... He had managed to show me a new way and accompany me on it, then, when after stepping off the previous one, leading me to the self-destruction to save others the pain, something I could not accomplish anyway, even by that desperate measures, I hadn't known what to do with my life anymore. We mustn't be separated. Me leaving him would have terribly hurt him, him leaving me would have meant my insanity and death, because one thing that had been keeping me going either that way or another was care for him, need to save him the pain, in order to do this I would have done everything, I had been even trying to sacrifice myself. 

" That doesn't mean I can't work. Just let them know we're together first." 

He looked at me thoughtfully, his eyes darkening. He had just been happy, because I wanted to work, because I had been planning on my future, which also meant I intended to have one. He had been just slowly realizing I had really left my old way, for good. Still, there were bloody visions, hunting me asleep and awake, but they were just nightmares, and the worst part - guilt, was no more. I had understood my death would have not made anything better, it would have had no sense, simple as that, and a bit bitter to realize after two attempts on suicide. He had been glad for me, but now his eyes darkened and narrowed and his features sharpened. 

" Are we really together ?" He asked, just a bit of sarcasm in his voice, before standing up and leaving, not waiting for an answer from me. 

`Are we really together ?` Were we ? In a way... We weren't lovers, we hadn't has sex ever since that one time back during the war, but we were living together, sharing the bed, cuddling, kissing. That did mean something, didn't it ? Or maybe he had meant Trowa ? 

I shook my head, to clear my thoughts before concentrating on finding the password Heero had been looking for for so long before, instead of wasting my time on pointless thinking. 

Were we really together ? Did you want us to be really together, whatever that meant for you ? So make me truly yours, I needed it, too, I wanted to follow you, I had nowhere to go on my own...   
  
  


" It's done !" I shouted on top of my lungs something like four hours later, around 9 p.m., after finally getting access Heero needed thanks to the new password-generating program I had written. 

There was no answer. 

What was going on ? I laid the laptop carefully down on the table and went to look for Heero, first in the bathroom, then in the bedroom, then in the kitchen, and there he was, cooking something special, according to the delicious scent. That he actually could cook at all had been a nice surprise for me. I leaned on the door frame and chuckled softly to get his attention. He turned to face me from over the pan. 

" It's done." 

He nodded. 

" Sorry it took me so long." 

" I was trying for two days, with no effects." He said matter-of-factly. " You're good." He smirked, almost pridefully. 

" I know." I nodded, grinning. " What is it you're making ?" I approached him, looking in the pan over his shoulder. 

" Something you'll like." 

" No squids ?" 

" No." 

" So, there's a chance." 

" Quatre called." 

I stiffened a bit. 

" And... so... what did he say ?" 

" That they hooked up with Trowa again, he hopes for good this time. And that they're both glad you're better." He said, emphasizing the word `both`. " I think he's managed to persuade Trowa about..." 

" That's wonderful they're together, isn't it ?" I interrupted him, changing the subject. 

" Yes." He said softly, like if unsure. He was regretting... that he couldn't really tell the same about us... and now I knew this wasn't matter of me and Trowa and what we had had together. 

" You'll talk with Lady Une about a work for me ?" I asked. 

He hesitated before answering. 

" I told you already that..." 

" Tell her we're together. I bet she'll respect it." 

He removed the contents of the pan to the plates and turned to face me fully. 

" Is there really anything to tell her about ?" 

" That we love each other ?" I suggested. 

" Maybe first we should legalize it ?" He asked, emotionlessly. 

Was it his way of asking me to marry him ? It felt weird, at the least, to be asked that question, a lot like a girl, and I was happy, so happy my heart stopped beating for a moment, feeling ready to explode seconds later, it was so overfilled with love and happiness. Yes, Heero had asked me to marry him, to spend my life with him, he was ready to accompany me on my way, to its very end... he really was ! 

" Yes." I spilled, feeling my body begin to tremble with emotion. So this was why he had prepared the special dinner ? Really, he was amazing me. 

" When ?" 

When ? What: when ? Ah... that... 

" Dunno. In two weeks ? We could get Tro and Quat for groomsmen... if you have nothing against it." 

" Sure." He said emotionlessly. Why wasn't he seeming happy, at all ? I could understand he was masking his emotions, but why weren't his eyes sparkling at all, even the slightest ? He wouldn't have been able to mask real happiness, if it would have been there, that's it. But he wasn't happy. So why was he proposing that at all ? To make me happy, because I was and was showing that out ? To keep with me on my way because else I would have lost it ? To always protect me since he had failed me enough times in the past ? Did he feel that not taking at all, he still wasn't giving me enough of himself ? Was it why he couldn't fail my hopes to spend life with him, despite that he didn't really want it ? Why ? Why didn't he ? Why wasn't he happy for us, happy with me ? 

" You don't enjoy this." I said, looking straight into his bottomless blue eyes. He lowered his empty gaze and didn't say anything. It was the confession. " Why ?" 

He was silent. 

" Why ? Tell me." I rushed him. 

" I wonder..." He sighed, looking at me again. "...if you won't be afraid when when it'll come to this, if you will be able at all, because it'll come to this one day if we'll be together. I don't need to force it on you, but you deserve normal relationship, and it includes it. Maybe you should rather go look somewhere else..." 

Afraid of having sex with him ? My heart tightened painfully in my chest. Right, I couldn't know either. Maybe... Maybe I wouldn't be ever able to forget as much as to let him take me in that way, and yes, being married we were supposed to do this. I knew it wasn't that he demanded a proof, that yes, I could, but yet again if I wasn't to give it to him, he would be pushing me away, he would be forcing me to hook up with someone else, he would never marry me. So what was I supposed to do ? Show him I didn't fear ? Jump him ? I had tried once before and... and hadn't succeeded... 

Tears began filling my eyes, forming slowly under my eyelids... I couldn't... He was going to leave me because of that... with the knowledge I had been once so close to having him by my side forever... Fuck, fuck my damned fate... 

My jaw clenched as did my hands at my sides as I was trying hard not to sob, not to shed the tears, to seem tough, to go away having my pride intact, if nothing more, if not my heart, ripped apart because I was losing him, because after being with him for so short amount of time, for the shortest moment being so close to have him for longer, now I was supposed to go looking somewhere else. For me there wasn't somewhere else, if not him no one would ever have me. 

I still loved him, I still damned loved him, and it hurt again. 

" Duo..." He whispered, getting my attention, as I took my eyes, full of unshed tears, up to look at him as he approached, until we were inches apart, grasping both my hands in his and kissing the tears, that had just began rolling down my cheeks, away, before capturing my mouth in his. 

I gave up into the kiss, it was nice, relaxing. I let him push me towards the wall and rest my back on it, while we were still kissing. He wanted to give it a try. I did, too.   


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   



	23. 23

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XXIII**

  
  
  
  


_Heero's POV:_   


Our interlaced fingers squeezed tightly before my hands slid to grasp Duo's skinny wrists instead. I had him between the kitchen's wall and my body, pressed to his almost desperately. I wanted this to work, so much, and I wanted him, simple as that. I had been striving with desire to have him in that way for years, believing it would stay unfulfilled. I hoped now I had been wrong, that all those years ago, raping him because I had been told so I hadn't destroyed everything we could have once had definitely, that he would be able to get through that as much as to have sex with me. He couldn't be afraid of me, even the slightest, for Kami's sake, if we were to spend our lives together, he had to trust me fully, in everything I was doing. 

Our deep, breath-taking kiss lasted minutes, before we broke apart for the lack of air. Huge, gleaming through the slightest haze, deeply violet eyes opened slowly and looking straight into mine. Nobody should be that beautiful... Despite the scars all over his body, his pointed ribs, pale skin, lack of the braid, I still simply couldn't imagine anyone more beautiful than him. And I knew I wasn't the only one to think like that. But unlike the others, I had him. Duo was mine. 

I closed the distance between our slightly swollen lips again, catching the moment when heavy eyelids closed over the violet eyes. I slid my tongue into his mouth, exploring it gently. He cooperated, a bit, his hands slid in my hair, his tongue caressed mine briefly, before moving to give me a passage. Why did he think I still wanted that kind of submission from him ? 

I broke the kiss and he moaned in my mouth in protest, his eyes staying shut even as I moved my face few inches away. 

" Duo, look at me." I said, brushing my thumb over his still parted lips. 

He blinked and opened his eyes, catching light from the lamp lighting behind us. Beautiful... 

" You're sure you want this ?" 

I didn't get other answer than his hands in my hair pulling my face close to his, our lips crushing together. This time, our tongues were battling and he put up quite a fight. Was he able to read in my mind, to all of this ? 

His hands slid down from my hair to my shoulders, gripping them tightly as we continued on ravaging each other's mouth. This really was a fight, filled with passion, and striving for dominance... Maybe it was another reason why I loved him, why I loved the man in him, because only another male could face me, kiss me, fuck me with strength and passion equal to mine. Any pitiful whining girl could be as strong, physically and mentally, as him. His strength was what I loved the most in him, what everyone loved, but I didn't want to take it from him or crush it to shreds. I wanted him to share it with me, as everything else, body, home, life... I had something in return for him. I had my determination, my ability to do everything to achieve the goal set before me, to fight for one single reason, ignoring everything else. If he would want it, he would become that reason, now, when I hadn't that consuming military missions anymore. Anyway, fuck military missions, we had fought in these two past wars enough for life. 

" Hey, Hee, I'm right here, don't forget about it." Duo whispered in my ear, catching my earlobe between his moist lips. 

I moved away. 

" How do you feel ?" I asked seriously. 

He tilted his head, blinking his hazy eyes. 

" Dreamy ?" 

I raised one eyebrow questioningly. 

" Guy whom I've loved for years has just asked me to marry him, how am I supposed to feel ? Anyway, it's weird, at the same time. Who is supposed to be the bride ? I dunno, but I don't think I'll look good in veil..." 

" Duo, just don't try to trick me to make me happy, or anything. If you'd fear, push me away." 

" Sure..." He nodded, grin fading from his face. He simply couldn't be that happy and at ease, he had been through too much, in general and in the last few months, to really be. Jester's mask. I had nothing against, if he felt better like that, but I didn't want him to be forced to play for the rest of his life every time he was in bed with me and internally suffer at the same time. I wanted him to be happy, more than I wanted myself. 

We began to kiss again, trying to restore the mood. It was weird, that kind of forced sex to check if we would be able before we would get stuck with each other for life. It was so... artificial, awfully planned. So many times in the past my hands had been burning to touch him when he had been passing by, so many times I had wanted to just throw him on the floor or the closest bed and fuck him senseless, and now, when told to do just that, I couldn't get myself to. I was nervous, with his possible reaction. Fuck, what had I done all those years ago ? How could I have gotten myself to do that at all ? 

Duo broke our kiss and looked at me, not moving his eyes. 

" Relax, concentrate, else we'll get nowhere with this. Come on." He said, pulling on my hand and dragging me to the bedroom like that. He slammed the door shut behind us, kicked his shoes off while pulling me towards the bed, pushed me on it and jumped on me, putting whole his body weight on me. He wasn't heavy at all, so it didn't hurt. He had to be light, being as terribly skinny as he was after weeks of lying immobile, injured. 

After few seconds of just straddling me like that, with me really not knowing what to do under such circumstances, he sighed and began taking his shirt off, revealing terribly scarred, pale chest, with pointing out ribs and slight traces of muscles, way more apparent on his arms. He looked... fragile, like if one could shatter him with the lightest touch. But my hands burned to touch him despite that irrational fear. Tips of my fingers traced all too-apparent bones, caressing pale, scarred skin. He moaned when I brushed his nipple, really had. My eyes flickered to his crotch, he was terribly hard, as I was. Despite that we were forcing that on ourselves, we had managed to get quite aroused. Noticing my look, he looked down as well and grinned devilishly before sliding downwards, so that our erections brushed, and began to move. It was heaven... Soon enough, we both began to moan, he moved faster and faster, squeezing his eyes and taking his head back, before my hands took hold of his hips and held him still. He shook his head, like if in protest, and looked down at me questioningly. 

I reached for his neck and pulled him down, placing his head on my shoulder. Our breathings were raged, as we both had almost climaxed seconds before. We were just panting in unison for a long time, until he took his head up and spoke. 

" Hee, you know..." His hand sneaked up to play with my hair again. " This is my first time when I'm not forced to do this, with a person I love..." 

" Mine too." I hissed back, as his second hair brushed my crotch, most likely unintentionally. 

Or maybe not... His eyes gleamed misheviously. 

" I'll make it better." He whispered, sliding down my body, until he stopped with his nose over my erection, trapped in too-tight jeans and underwear. As he was working on unzipping it, he continued to talk, one thing he seemed to deeply enjoy, no matter what he was doing at the moment. " I have some bad memories involving this. I was doing this for an Union's officer, for food and water for Solo, when he was... ill, but now I'll... I'll do this, too, to please you, because I want you to be happy, and I won't want anything in return." He muttered, more to himself than to me, like if trying to reassure himself on his own. 

Should I stop him ? I had no chance, the moment his mouth closed over my shaft I stopped to think coherently all-together, blinding pleasure coursing through my veins as he continued to lick it, sliding his mouth off it to kiss it and choking it back down, swallowing it whole, making the tip brush the ridges of the back of his throat, clenching over it convulsively, while his tongue made lazy strokes at the base. He had gotten me crazy and moaning his name almost desperately, though my pride was trying hard to make me stay sane for a decent amount of time, but it was stronger than it, stronger than me, it was impossible to hold anything back. Soft vibration of Duo's throat around me, as he moaned softly himself, sent me over the edge and cumming inside his mouth. He swallowed all down and licked my erection clean, caressing it with his tongue, causing it to harden again immediately. A while after my orgasm had hit me with blinding force and passed, my breathing slowed and mind cleared, while Duo was still panting heavily as he hadn't gotten any kind of relief himself. I needed to offer it to him... 

I bet what he feared the most was the penetration, but we could do quite fine without it on his part. That was it, if he was going to be the one on top. It was not supposed to be like that... In our bond, it was obvious I was the one who had upper hand, I was the one to protect him, not the opposite, simply because he seemed and was way more fragile and needed protection, while I did not. He had given up to me, that night before his second attempt on suicide, he had accepted my dominance, but... that really didn't mean he had to be the one fucked in bed. Maybe later, some day, he would manage to fully get over the memories, to forget... but as for now I didn't need to traumatize him, to remind bad things to him. 

He looked down at me, puzzled by my absentmindedness, while removing my shirt and pants before getting rid of his as well. I didn't have lubricant, but I was going to stand it without it. I didn't care if he was going to hurt me a bit, maybe I even deserved to feel some small part of the pain I had caused him myself all those years ago, then, when I had almost ripped him apart, almost killed him with that. He should do this the hard way, if only to show me how did it feel. Whatever he would do and no matter how much this would hurt, I would be happy anyway, with the mere knowledge of our union, that we were coming one. 

" Fuck me, Duo..." I whispered, noticing how the violet eyes over me widened in shock at my plea. 

" W... Why ?" He asked shakily. 

" Why not ?" 

" Because..." 

Because what ? Because almost every gay male wanted to dominate you and not the opposite ? Why should we care about it ? It was going to save you the pain, save you reminding yourself the worst things that had ever happened to you... It would be simply better that way. 

" Duo..." 

He shook his head, his eyes still wide in disbelief. 

" I just... can't imagine..." 

" So don't imagine, do it." 

He stared down at me thoughtfully for a long time, before putting his hand into his mouth and licking his fingers, covering them completely in thick saliva. 

" You're sure, Hee ?" He asked when he removed it. 

I was sure, why did he think I would have told him something and ever try to take it back then, he should have known me better than that. 

" This may hurt... I don't really know... I don't have experience in this that way..." He explained, smiling shyly, as he parted my legs with his second hand and slid one finger inside my entrance, blushing slightly. His finger was slick enough not to cause too much pain and even when the second joined it all I felt was dull fullness. Then he slid the third and began to move his hand. Silent whimper passed my lips before I managed to clench my jaw, this hurt, a bit, but I had been through worse things, way worse. Then the pain stopped, replaced with maddening pleasure as he managed to hit my prostate, once, then twice, with more force. I couldn't suppress the moan and a whimper when he took his digits away, looking down at me tenderly with half-lidded eyes. He hesitated before entering me, so I wrapped my legs around his slim waist and pulled him down, slamming him hard down inside me, filling me completely in one stroke and brushing my prostate immediately. Only realizing how much I enjoyed it he began to move himself and for a long time, agonizingly long minutes filled with kind of pleasure I had never felt before, we were moving like that together, moaning and screaming, spoken words louder and less coherent with every passing second, until I came all over our thighs and stomachs, tightening around him and making him cum inside me, his semen flowing down my thighs in thick rivulets, mixed with a bit of my blood I hadn't even realized had been shed. He removed himself from me and collapsed on top of me, shuddering violently, tears filling his violet eyes, accompanied with wide, lazy, contented grin, they were tears of happiness. He muttered he loved me in my shoulder before his eyes slumped shut and he fell asleep almost immediately after, his breathing steadying and slowing as the time was passing. Few minutes later, I joined him, wrapping the sheets around us and falling asleep as well, cuddling his slight form in my arms.   
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   



	24. 24

I'm French. My English isn't perfect. Please, someone, revise it for me !   
I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners. 

It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).   
  
  


Mission   
by** solange channonix**

**Part XXIV**   
**THE LAST**

  
  
  
  
  


_Duo's POV:_   


So, we're married, me and Heero. Who would have thought... It's wonderful, you know, to have that knowledge that he won't leave me for some unimportant reason, that most likely, he won't leave me at all, ever. It's wonderful what we have now, thought I haven't like the ceremony itself that much. The civil servant from the registery office was looking at us whole the time with utter shock mixed with disgust and turned his head away when we were kissing and he was staring at Trowa and Quatre almost with annoyance, at the fact that a homosexual couple not only dared to get married, but also to have another homosexual couple as groomsmen, was it ? Fuck him, but he spoiled my mood anyway. I got touchy about anything and Heero got angry with me, and so we spend our wedding night fighting, I don't even remember what about. Not the best beginning, was it ? But now everything is just wonderful. Sure, I still have nightmares, and sometimes, I daze off or begin to fear for no apparent reason, sometimes I feel very guilty over things I shouldn't have, sometimes... It isn't that everything is that perfect, that everything has gone perfect because we have married, just that... Heero is with me, and will be with me, and it's a lot better to face things like that with someone at your side than alone. And I feel safe beside him, after all, if I was to find myself a bodygourd, I wouldn't have found anyone better. And yeah, I work at Preventers with him, we're kind of partners since we informed Lady Une we're married and working together. She had mixed feelings about employing me at all after the matter with Wufei, but Heero somehow... convinced her... I just hope it wasn't one of these `employ him or else you'll die` things. Anyway, three weeks after our wedding, I'm already working hard on changing Heero's peaceful, a bit antisocial life into a distant memory. We're on our way to L2. guess what for...   
  
  


I chased them down after half an hour of wandering around the ghetto, almost the same I remembered from my own childhood, in one of the blind alleys. Following little, dirty boy, maybe five years old, I got to find a group of children, a gang, like they were surely calling themselves. They were gathered in the back of the dark alley, the youngest and girls sourrounded by older boys, looking up at me with determination to defend them in their eyes. 

I stopped at a distance they could consider safe and took my hands out of my pockets, motioning for Heero, who had just joined me, to do the same. He still didn't seem at ease with my idea. Even as after weeks of convincing him he had finally accepted my idea of adopting an orphan or maybe two, even as he had accepted the fact I wanted it to be coming from L2, he was still suggesting to get one from an orphanage, not from the streets. I couldn't have convinced him by saying that those who were in an orphanage were already lucky and going to be adopted by someone anyway, sooner or later, but still, for them it was a matter of months to have a home, to be adopted by a childrenless marriage from L4 or another rich colony, that being a kid from the streets myself I wanted to save someone who had no hope at all. He didn't believe me that there wouldn't be any problems with getting an ID for such a kid on leaving L2, in general, he was sceptical, and I could sense that he would have gladly told me he didn't want a dirty, malnutritioned, ill, messed up kid from the ghetto in his home, if the thought of me being such a kid once wouldn't have stopped him. 

Anyway, he would need to accept it, because I ought to help these kids as much as I could and there was no better way than raising one. But they weren't going to let me take one from between them with me if I wouldn't get their trust first and there was no better way to gain it than by proving them I was one of them.   


_Heero's POV:_   


We were here for three days, already. Duo was making friends with those... brats from the ghetto, spending whole days on wandering around the colony and nights on making it up to me. He had gotten extremely affectionate ever since he had come out with the idea of adopting an orphan, flirting with me, pleasuring me beyond belief to convince me to this. I had gotten to know I wasn't able to stand him when he wanted something from me, which had been scaring me a bit, considering his sometimes insane ideas. I had no choice but to accept that one, he was too desperate to deny him that, though I couldn't imagine myself fathering a child. But that wasn't going to convince him against it, as any other reason. He had already decided, maybe years ago, that once he'd have a home and a family himself he would share it with some poor, hurt, homeless kid. I wasn't going to stop him from doing this. 

That evening he had come back with something like two years old girl, terribly pale and skinny, clutching her little fists desperately on his shirt and a teenage boy who considered himself her brother. It seemed Duo planned on taking them both... I just hadn't force to argue with him knowing he would do this anyway. The boy, well, he seemed strong and silent, and looking down into his eyes, I could feel we would understand each other, which didn't happen very often with me, as for the pitifully whining girl, let's leave pampering her to Duo. 

As he had told, next morning when we were leaving L2, there had been no problems at all with getting IDs for the kids, they were assigned once without any questions. The registery mess on L2 was terrible, but yet again, how could it not to be, with millions of unregistered people living on the streets, dying and being born every single minute, with poored or wanted other colonies' citizens looking for a shelter here and then leaving, not bothering to register that either. I didn't like that colony, the mess, the coldness and unstable gravity due to lack of founds to keep it in good shape, and ever-present human misery. I was glad to leave it myself and just getting glad I was taking two more persons out of that hell with me... 

Duo kissed me breatheless when I told him that onboard the shuttle back, the little girl I had forgotten about all together crawling from his lap to mine and playing with my holster at the same time...   
  
  


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**THE END**

  
  
  
  


Last A/N: Does the last scene leave you with as bad feelings about what Heero and Duo are going to raise these kids to be like as it does me ? ; ) 

Ja ne ! 

Thanks for all reviews and all ! 


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